Is she a CF - childcare related

[Keepgoing88]

A friend of mine works part time but is often asking for her kids to play at mine or others houses. I totally get that emergency situations / childcare is needed but the reasons for help picking the kids up from school / minding them is often pretty lame… like hair dressers or she’s out with a friend etc. I have started saying no on principle as I feel a bit taken advantage of but at the weekend her partner text to see if her daughter could come round as he had some errands to run. We were out for the day so I said no but when I was on instagram later I see she had posted a story about having a day to sort the house out (cleaning etc nothing major ) so I don’t even think she was out!! She will often (I have observed) ask others to have her kids so she can have a break. I have 4 kids of my own so feel it’s a bit cheeky! She works 2 days a week with 2 kids at school. I don’t know why I’m posting I guess but just wanted to vent and also if others ask other people to have kids. I’m no saint but I would only ever ask someone to pick my kids up in an emergency or I use paid for childcare / family. I’ve bought this up with her a while ago and she was like ‘ why don’t you ask people more’ and I kind of thought well they are my kids and I try to plan my day around them / use childcare. My kids have play dates but I wait to be invited . Do others ask - maybe I’m just being a bit funny about it but I always thought you don’t invite yourself over (obv not including families) .. u wait to be invited?

YANBU. I’m glad you said no, they are cheeky fuckers. Between the two of them they can manage the housework and kids.

If she was a friend she would your kids to her house too.

Haha that’s what my OH says !

She’s a CF, or just struggling. I couldn’t do this though

Yes she is incredibly rude if it’s all the time and for trivial reasons. I would keep saying no until they take the hint.

I mean I should say she would have my kids if I asked and she was free but I save my ‘asking’ (play dates aside) for when I really need it

Some people take the view of if you don't ask you don't get and she may well be of this mindset.

One perspective is that as long as she's not guilt tripping people/being unpleasant if they say no, then it's really up to the people she asks to set boundaries they feel comfortable with.

All that said, I personally find it odd to for her to ask people who are arguably busier than her (work/more children) and tbh to ask anyone for what seem pretty trivial reasons.

Fundamentally she runs the risk of finding people defaulting to "no" because they think she's taking the piss and in real emergency coming unstuck because she's used up everyone's goodwill.

I wouldn’t have just asked friends for a non emergency. But if she asks you, and your kids get on, and you don’t mind it when hers come round, then I’d definitely ask her back - she may be wondering why you haven’t. Seems like she’s very up for a reciprocal play date situation - no reason not to suggest it to her?

Shes not a CF. She is a CC.

Cheeky Cunt.

They are her kids - its her fucking job to deal with them, not you. Keep saying no.

Makes no difference whether you had kids of your own or not, her kids are not yours so you should not feel obliged to do anything for a CC like that.

Tell her to get to fuck and as for her partner, block their ass.

How many DC does she have? I’m the same as you OP I love a break but I never ask for anyone to have my children, if they want to play with X I’ll invite X over, I’d feel too cheeky asking!

If she's a CF the partner is too- surely you can take your kids on errands or in this case leave them at home with the other parent

I’ve been in your friend’s situation, I had a lot of mental trauma that I was juggling but unaware of, like being on high alert and mentally exhausted without realising it. My kid would drain me quite quickly. I wound up putting her in daycare a couple of days even though I wasn’t working just to get some breathing space. I don’t have an answer for you, but am noticing a lot of people are in a similar boat.

I once heard my SIL say that she thought my "They wouldn't even notice another one" about a family with 4 children she used to do this to. She didn't reciprocate because she 'didn't like kids' which is why she 'stuck to one'. What a knob.

I read recently about "asker's" Vs "guessers".

Askers expect people to say no if something is inconvenient. Guessers expect people to say yes so only ask if they really need to.

https://www.jessicadolce.com/blog/are-you-an-asker-or-a-guesser#:~:text=But%20when%20an%20Asker%20meets,the%20request%20as%20an%20expectation.

It's caused problems amongst my friends for sure - I have a friend who regularly asks for things and I just say no when it's inconvenient (and she doesn't mind at all) but before I realised that, I felt really bad when I said no and felt like she was very cheeky. (I have also changed my attitude and just ask for things with her now.)

2, I have 4

Wow she is saddling you with hers so that you look after 6 kids!

Just keep saying no, don’t feel you have to have an excuse.

I’ve found this more of a problem when you already have a bigger family. It’s bizarre but I’m sure they think ‘one more won’t hurt’.

Hmmm, it sounds like you rely on your family a lot!

Yes, I agree with this.

Plus, it's harder for the person with a whole brood to find someone who can take them all as going from 2 to 6 is harder than from 4 to 6.

Either way, I think it's fine to ask but equally fine for people to say no.

Nah, that's a CF. Keep saying no!
I had a 'friend' like this when all our kids were young. Always needing a babysitter because she was always out socialising, having nails done, hair appointments, wind surfing lessons, dancing lessons...I helped her out when I could but it was never reciprocated because she was never available due to her social engagements. I stopped saying 'yes' when I babysat her kids once, whilst she went out for the evening but I couldn't get hold of her when one of her kids came downstairs saying she felt sick. I continued to phone her whilst sorting out her daughter and finally got her. Her response 'oh, are you sure she wants me to come home? She'll be ok if you pop her back to bed'. The kid was 4! I told her to get her arse home. Meantime, her landline rang and it was her ex-husband, wanting to find out how the daughter was because she'd been home off school that day with a sickness bug...

Yeah, I went absolutely nuts at her when she finally came through the front door. I then took the sickness bug back home with me and infected my two kids and DH too.

And no, we don't speak anymore...😂

lol, I have three. A friend with an only child does this to us all the time.

Apparently our house is so 'chaotic and loud' that it doesn't matter to have one more.

Of course they only see our home when their child is in it....making it chaotic and loud.

BIL does this - he's just an asker but it seems so rude to me. His reason is that they're run off their feet with 3 children! He'll ask other parents to take 2 of his so they can have a bit of breathing space.. It's absolutely baffling to me. And more baffling that others agree to it - they only reciprocate with the other parents in tow. He's always banging on about how they made sure they built up their 'social network' and how they can't move away from their 'village.'

Now I think about it we're having his DS for three days in half term - grrrr.

We have 4 and 3 are toddlers and apart from my parents nobody else to ask if we wanted to. I don't even ask my parents I wait till my mum or dad calls and asks to have them because there our responsibility and it's up to us to sort it. But on the other hand if a mental health problems was involved then I would try to help when I could as I had a cousin who was very ill with depression so we had her kids a few times so she could get sleep etc till she got over the worst days

You know you don't need to ask. But it's more than cheeky. Because she's also lying to you. And her partner is now in on it.

Step waaaaaaay back from these two takers! Say no every single time.

Love this perspective.

I'm an asker definitely BUT my asks are extremely rare. (Can't remember the last time I asked for anything, from anyone) AND when I do ask I always say upfront "promise me you'll say no if this doesn't suit you"

Shes taking advantage of your kindness.