AIBU to be a bit worried about 3 yo communication?

[Mythreeyear]

DS is 3, and I’m finding a lot of his behaviour quite frustrating as he doesn’t seem to listen to me or respond to me much, and when he does replies with something out of context.

So some examples from today -

He had a poo accident, not a problem, I was helping him change his trousers. I started off calm and ‘it’s not a problem Ds but please stay still so poo doesn’t get everywhere. He just wouldn’t stop wriggling about and moving around so poo ended up everywhere and on me. I got really annoyed and he laughed at me which made me really angry and I know I dealt with it badly as a result.

Then at dinnertime he took a long time to start eating. I said to him if you don’t like it it’s not a problem , I’ll make something else but try it. He ate some and spat it out and again I ended up really angry.

I really, really want to do better so we aren’t in conflict but is it normal for them just to completely ignore you? So many times I ask a question and get no response or I’ll say something like ‘did you enjoy nursery’ and he’ll reply with parroting some phrase from TV … I guess he doesn’t know what to say? Can anyone help?

At three you would expect a typically developing child to be able to listen to and to instructions and also to answer simple questions. If he can't do that then you are right to be concerned and I would take him to see your GP/HV.

The examples you give though don't necessarily illustrate that he doesn't understand, just that he doesn't do as he's told/is a bit silly, which is perfectly normal for three year olds.

Lots of kids also struggle remember what happened at nursery and relay it back. Can he answer simpler questions about his preferences or what he's doing currently?

Do nursery have any concerns?

I have a 3 year old and and have not dealt with these sort of issues, but I am not sure how long the spectrum of 'normal' is. Have nursery expressed any concerns?

Are you able to tell us a bit more so we can answer a bit better? Is he just turned 3 or nearly 4? Can he follow simple two step instructions like ‘get your book and get your shoes’?, Is the parroted back language being used in context? What’s his attention and listening like, will he sit and share a book with you for example?

Asking a three year old if they enjoyed something might be a bit difficult to answer. I'm an (alleged) adult and I find vague questions incredibly tough to answer. Perhaps asking more specific questions might encourage dialogue?

He tried his food, that's great. It's up to you to give him it and him to eat. Not point stressing over how long he takes to start eating. Getting angry for him trying things will only make it worse. To me that's not a communication issue, nor is him wiggling while you change him - little kids are wriggly!
The rest I don't know enough of as mines not 3 yet - how does communication go when you're playing? Reading books?

So - nursery haven’t expressed any concerns which is obviously good.

It’s true it’s more likely to be silliness.

Can he answer simpler questions about his preferences or what he's doing currently? Kind of. He can for example request a song or book of his choice. He will say things like ‘I like that one’ (though I think this may be a line from a TV show or a book.) But sometimes he just seems … I don’t know, hard to say, I might ask him a question and he’ll start rambling on about something else or similar. Whenever I ask him what he’d like for dinner he says pasta, always. I asked him so many times this morning what he wanted for breakfast (giving two choices as we’re ‘supposed’ to) but he just blanked me. I really find it difficult.

I don’t want to compare him unfairly but his friends who are the same age seem to be able to discuss concepts a bit more, for want of a better word? So they will talk about a birthday party they went to and say they enjoyed playing with a particular friend or playing a particular game.

Sorry, some posts hadn’t loaded.

So - he can follow instructions.

He doesn’t always seem to talk in context, that’s one of the most baffling things about him to me. At one point he kept saying there’s a car coming (even on an empty road) now he keeps saying there’s a fire. I think he says it when he doesn’t know what else to say but I do feel exhausted and frustrated talking to him because I get nothing back.

He was 3 a month ago so only recently turned 3.

He will sit and read with me but his attention span doesn’t seem great to be honest, lots of wandering off, not listening.

At that age, with dc1 redirection worked wonders. Can you find x or y whilst I wipe you/tell me a story/make a hand puppet. By 3 he didn't like having accidents and was stressed by it so acted out. I used to hide little animals places on picture frames in every room to give him something to look for. We still have a pink cat sat on one in the sitting room and he's about to turn 9. I've left it up to remind myself that the latest crisis will pass too.

With food can you figure out what the problem is. Did he take too much at once? Was he hungry? At 3 we did a lot of picky plates in the sitting room. Knowing it was his and he could eat whenever worked a lot better for him. The expectation of sitting at the table and eating whatever was too much for him.

Thinking about it his communication was dreadful at 3. He was still in the trying to bang his head off furniture when overwhelmed stage. I think I definitely found it difficult because I was used to open questions. Prior to having children interviewing mostly uncooperative strangers on every aspect of their lives had been a staple of every job I'd ever had. Aged 3, dc1 needed limited options to pick from and simple questions.

What's his speech like? Any concerns there?

It is impossible to diagnose over a forum but some of what you describe does sound potentially unusual, even for a 2 year old, the parroting of tv programs or repetition of phrases and not responding to you / interacting to conversation makes me wonder about ASD?

hard to compare but both my children at 3 would be able to follow instructions, have a conversation in full phrases et . How was his 2 year HV check? Could you ask for a meeting with HV ?

but I do feel exhausted and frustrated talking to him because I get nothing back.

That definitely sounds like my dc1. I used to tell him stories, mashed up fairytales, stuff from my childhood, anything because I knew he needed to hear me talk but I couldn't have a conversation with him.

Looking back, the difference between him and dc2 at the same age was vast. Now they both talk non stop but at 3, you could have a conversation about preschool with her but not dc1.

@Dorriethelittlewitch Thank you. He does talk non stop but as you say the concept of a conversation seems so hard. I do often want to talk to him - like with the poo accidents I do suspect he’s nervous or the toilet but he won’t talk to me, he just won’t. But then keeps going on about fires?

ASD … I don’t know. Nursery don’t think so and he was fine at the two year check but she didn’t actually meet him.

If he's using learned scripts a fair bit, it'll be worth you having a look at gestalt language processing.

www.meaningfulspeech.com/blog/how-do-you-know-GLP