NRP should pay for costs of contact, during contact - AIBU?

[PurpleSaucepan]

2 parents - no longer together
Kids live with mum, and occasionally see dad, when dad wants to - usually in school holidays.

Mum has more money generally than dad. Not massively more, but enough to get by. Mum does not claim maintenance and pays for everything for dc. Dad occasionally gives money for specific things, like school trips. Mum does not ask for this but accepts when it is offered.

When dad does see dc he usually asks mum for money for travel, food or activities while dc are with him.

Mum does not believe that she should have to contribute to his costs while he has the children. Every time he mucks her about, saying if she doesn't give money he can't have dc after all (having told the dc about the plans and they have got excited about it). He usually ends up taking them anyway, but not until he has got mum thoroughly upset, often for weeks beforehand.

WIBU to tell mum to just not engage, say he can have dc on dates requested but she's not contributing and then not discussing it any more?

He guilt trips her, says he can't afford food and heating when dc aren't there because of the costs of having them. Says he's so generous because he contributes to some things here and there and so she should pay for xyz. Kids tell him mum has bought for eg. a new household item, and dad then says she can afford all these luxuries so she should pay xyz.

I expect it's obvious by now, but they split due to abuse - all sorts including financial.

She MUST stop paying him. She is giving jn to his abuse now for a quiet life but she needs to harden herself because she is going to be manipulated and abused by him for the rest of her life—and the children too. She is nothing but a cash cow to him and the children are tools to abuse her. Nothing healthy can come from this.

Your poor friend, I feel for her.

Honestly, she needs to work on herself. She's still in a relationship with him and still dancing to his shitty tune.

A good start would be being honest with her kids. Just lay out the facts... That these fun activities are entirely funded by her and she can't afford to pay for his plans.

Then say "no" to him one time and one time only when he starts in on his money-grubbing manipulative nastiness and ignore all further attempts to mess with her head.

If counselling is an option I'd strongly recommend it for her.

She and her children deserve much better than an ongoing abusive relationship that she thought she already left.

The thing is - she could afford to pay for the kids to do activities, but I don't see why she should have to pay for their activities when they're with him as well as when they're with her.

In any case - I think it's about power and control really, not money. You are right that it's continuation of the abuse.

He also doesn't drive, and gets her to drive him and the kids to activities if he sees them near their house or if she drops them at his.

How do you help someone be strong when they've been ground down by years of abuse, and then they've been so strong to leave, but the ex still knows exactly how to manipulate them.

This.

not providing for your children is abuse

She needs to block him on the phone etc. set up a email account just for him so she can read when she wants.

yes she needs to make it clear he pays when he has them. If he tries the you need to pay or I am but having them say that’s up to him

then if he doesn’t have them explain to the kids dad suggested xyz and now can’t afford to take them and mum can’t cover it do sorry dads not having them

sometimes you have to be honest with kids

Nope. No paying, only very limited driving. The kids sound old enough that you say kids, mum and dad are separated. I know it sucks, one of the things it means is I pay for everything all the time you are here. Your dad pays when he takes you out. I’m sorry if he’s telling you differently, and I’m really sorry if it means he lets you down because he’s mad I won’t pay him. I’ve told him this.

and do not engage. ‘You are very welcome to take them out and they’d love to see you. I won’t be funding your time with our children.’

I get you but in this case "afford" isn't really about whether she can afford these activities per se. It's about not being able to afford his choices. No-one can afford to pay for those, even if they are billionaires.

How do you help someone be strong when they've been ground down by years of abuse, and then they've been so strong to leave, but the ex still knows exactly how to manipulate them

Could you suggest your friend does the Freedom course run by Women's Aid

I'm seeing her tomorrow. I'll suggest it.

Has she done the Freedom Programme? She might benefit from some work about abusive relationships. He has picked his victim well in her, and as long as she give in he will keep doing this disgusting behaviour. Your poor friend.

This. Mum should claim through CMS. Let them decide what Dad should pay. Mum should allow Dad to collect kids for contact but not pay him to see his own kids.

She needs to work on saying no to giving money and lifts.
If she's used to his abuse, it's going to take time to adjust to a different way of dealing with him. She's probably used all her emotional resilience getting rid of him.
As the kids get older and deal with him more directly, they will realise how unreliable he is for themselves.
Glad she got out of this relationship, it will get easier.

No, you can't force an unwilling parent to have contact with their child. No court would enforce that.

Does nrp work?

If so, go to CMS and disengage from any further discussion about finance. If not, it's still not mums responsibility to pay for nrp's car contact time. Either way, disengage. If the kids are say 5 or older, begin to manage their expectations around what nrp says and their actions

Disengage, disengage, disengage.