Context: Been with DP 7 months. He has a house and car, I live in the centre of a city and have a flat with no need for a car here. He has building work going on at his place and has been burgled in the past so is keen to spend most of our time together at his rather than leaving his house empty atm. I get the train to/from his to spend time at his- i.e. I am spending money I would not spend ordinarily to visit him. When he stays at mine (rarely, maybe once mid week), it means he saves money as he works in the centre of city and can stay at mine rather than commuting. We spend majority of time together at his at weekends etc and I feel that I help out a lot with dishes, tidying etc at his - although note he does nothing at mine (apart from twice two small handyman type jobs, but not cleaning up after dinner or laundry/tidying etc).
So we were heading out in his car the other day which was a bit of a mess (inc cobwebs!) and he commented on needing to clean the car, to which I agreed. He then made a comment about how I could offer to clean it! I told him to F- off in outrage, but mainly thinking he was joking. But he wasn't! I said it's his car so why would I clean it. He said I benefit from it too and how he'll remember that next time I want to visit my relatives* and I can get the train instead. I said that I was happy to get the train and it's his car so I'm not cleaning it. (I think I also made a comment about how does he think I should clean it as I'm a woman and how I'm not doing that!) He made some sort of comment about how his exes did it or offered to or something - implying that they felt they benefitted from being driven places in it and they offered to clean it and so I should!
I'm insulted he thinks I should do that - it's his car and his mess mainly (ok some of it is dust and cobwebs or whatever but generally the rubbish etc in there is his) and why would I ever offer to clean his car when I do so much else and I clean up after him more than myself here anyway! He said we spend majority of time here and therefore I should help out. Now I certainly do WAY more than just cleaning up after myself here (which he does not even do at mine!). I will often have the whole week's dishes in the sink that I will clean up before even being able to find a clean glass or plate for us to use for dinner. I help out with laundry, putting things away, make the bed, general tidying/cleaning up after dinner and I've actually often felt (before this whole chat) a bit put out that I help out as if it's a joint place to clean etc when at mine he's still treated like a guest!
*so this comment is because we visited relatives of mine a few weeks ago in a tourist hot spot which was a 9 hour round trip. I suggested going by train but he wanted to drive as he enjoys driving and has a nice car he rarely gets to drive long distances. I then offered to pay for petrol and he declined. I paid for a lunch enroute (a jokey conversation ensued in which it was decided this was instead of paying for petrol although the lunch was about 1/3 the cost of petrol) and the drinks/snacks we took for relatives. We also went to a ticketed event there which I paid for tickets for. He paid for our half of a meal and a little more towards the relatives when we were there as a thank you for them hosting us. This is the only real time we've used the car for something that could be interpreted as for "me" (I would usually get the train to visit them and have done so for years. I have no need of a car in my life where I live as everything is on my doorstep).
FYI he earns 6 times what I earn and could afford to get the blasted car valeted if needed.
Thoughts!?
PS - I've no idea how to add a vote, but
YABU - you should have offered to clean the car/you should clean the car for him
YANBU - perfectly fine to not offer to clean someone else's car, even if you are a passenger in it often