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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

56 replies

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:09

I don't think I am.... but "D"H (hereafter referred to as H) has just accused me of having a strop over this so maybe I am?

H is going away with work tomorrow for 2 days. It's a training course, staying overnight.

He has just told me he is car sharing with a woman from his company who lives in the next town over. Fine. Then he says "she is going to park her car on our driveway so I want to put hers tight up against the garage..." I interrupted at this point to say no way.

We have a shared drive with 5 neighbours total, but 3 of us in the "bottom" area. Theres just about space for 2 in front of our garage, next to the neighbours 2 cars. It's always very tight/busy - but it just about works.

I've said no because I don't want to be responsible for any damage that might happen to her car parked on our drive, if the neighbours need the cars moving for any reason I won't be insured to drive hers, if I need to get into the garage (unlikely to be fair) I won't be able to, and it means our family car is at the front of the cars, where it's more likely to get hit by another car attempting to reverse in/out (next door have had delivery drivers hit their car multiple times on the drive). It's just generally a pain in the arse.

I think she should park it on the road, or in the car park over the road that virtually no-one uses. Or get the train to us. Not quite sure why she's driving here for him to be the one to drive... other than H being sexist and always insisting on driving over a woman driving.

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to say no to this and that she should find somewhere else to park? Or is he for telling me this is what's happening without any consideration of any of the above or even asking me?

If you need a diagram I'll try to draw one after work - I'm rubbish at drawing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:38

GabriellaMontez · 05/02/2024 16:35

if the neighbours need the cars moving for any reason

Why would they? It's your drive.

It's a shared driveway. The spaces are just about wide enough for a car, tricky to get in and out of it. If they need to get something larger in the car, we'd usually help by moving further across or out for a few minutes.

No-one owns a particular section, but we all occupy the places closest to our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:38

Iloveacurry · 05/02/2024 16:37

If she’s in the next town, why can’t he just go and pick her up on the way?

I suggested that but it's the opposite direction so would add 20 miles to the journey.

OP posts:
CacenCaws · 05/02/2024 16:38

Because it's a private driveway so any damage that happens would be caused by us/someone on here and I don't think car insurance covers private property. Whereas parked on the road she would be covered

It's still her risk to take, whether her insurance covers it or not is not your concern

MixingPlaydough · 05/02/2024 16:39

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:35

We've had the neighbours open their car door onto ours multiple times. Kids that play down the driveway scratching cars with bike handlebars. As I mentioned in my op, our neighbours have had 2 delivery drivers hit their vehicles trying to get in/out of the driveway.

Show quote history

So a handful of incidents in how long? All that in one weekend then I'd understand the worry but occasionally over years then that's just life surely.

It's one night statistically it's so unlikely to happen that the fact you're hyper focusing on it does rather suggest it's about more than the car...

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:39

Thank you all, seems I am unreasonable. I will tell him it's fine if she's happy to take the risks associated with a shared driveway in terms of others in and out.

OP posts:
Memyselfandtheothers · 05/02/2024 16:44

Honestly OP, I’m glad you e conceded. You were being massively unreasonable. It would never have crossed my mind to question this.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:45

EIIaJ · 05/02/2024 16:29

This all seems like a major overreaction to a car on a drive. Plus the fact that you refuse to call him DH, I mean come on.

The "D"H thing is nothing to do with this, and I felt including it may help you to realise why I thought I might be unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:46

Everanewbie · 05/02/2024 16:36

Sorry OP, I think you're being difficult here for difficulties sake. Is this a cover for an issue you have here with your husband hanging around with a work colleague? It just sounds like you want to throw spanner in the works somehow, but this insurance/liability thing is a bit of a longshot for a spanner. Would you feel the same if your mother/sister/best friend borrowed your driveway?

If bloody love it if she wants to take him off my hands. I'm not that lucky.

OP posts:
Muchof · 05/02/2024 16:49

You aren’t even making a mountain out of a molehill here, because there isn’t even a molehill to start with. You seem to be searching deep to find some reason why this would be a problem and it is baffling to know why you are even trying.

What place is it of yours to veto your husband suggesting a colleague parks on your drive? If her car were not there, then his would be wouldn’t it, so it isn’t inconveniencing the neighbours either.

And he isn’t a “D” anymore because of this? 😳

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:49

Memyselfandtheothers · 05/02/2024 16:44

Honestly OP, I’m glad you e conceded. You were being massively unreasonable. It would never have crossed my mind to question this.

That's why sometimes it's helpful to get anonymous opinions. When you're caught up in a situation with someone who you don't have the best relationship with anyway, it's hard to see the true picture.

It's still an inconvenience to me, but I'll just have to hope I don't need to get into the garage for the 2 days!

OP posts:
Jovacknockowitch · 05/02/2024 16:50

YABU - uninformative title

Everanewbie · 05/02/2024 16:50

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:46

If bloody love it if she wants to take him off my hands. I'm not that lucky.

Show quote history

Maybe one day you'll get your wish and you'll be able to do anything you want with your drive. But if you react like this day-to-day, it will be "D" H that will also feel the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:54

Muchof · 05/02/2024 16:49

You aren’t even making a mountain out of a molehill here, because there isn’t even a molehill to start with. You seem to be searching deep to find some reason why this would be a problem and it is baffling to know why you are even trying.

What place is it of yours to veto your husband suggesting a colleague parks on your drive? If her car were not there, then his would be wouldn’t it, so it isn’t inconveniencing the neighbours either.

And he isn’t a “D” anymore because of this? 😳

I've responded about the "D" further up. He hasn't been a "D" for the 12 years he's refused to let me leave. Or for the years of emotional and financial abuse I've suffered. Or the odd occasion of physical abuse. For never having my opinion count for ANYTHING. Literally not being able to be a part of any decision making process. For being forced to push my career to a back seat as he's refused to do various things for the kids so it falls to me to always sort out. For always cancelling his WFH on my 3 office days a month then telling me I need to sort out childcare or tell my boss I can't go in.

I could go on, but I won't.

So I put "D" like that so you'd understand it isn't a usual loving and caring relationship, which may be making my opinion more skewed. Which is clearly was from the responses, which I have conceded already.

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 05/02/2024 16:56

YABU

PickledPurplePickle · 05/02/2024 16:57

YABU

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:58

@Everanewbie he won't let me leave, refuses to sign the paperwork to put the house on the market, won't leave himself. He won't be relieved, he doesn't want it to happen no matter how unhappy we are. He has a slave to do all the work with the kids, someone to pay more than half of the bills despite earning considerably less than him, yells at me and the kids every day - if we try to say, ask or do something he doesn't like he just tells us down until we stop talking. He's thrown things at me multiple times. I've lost all of my friends. If I want to leave the house, I need his permission.

But sure, he'll be the one relieved.

OP posts:
Everanewbie · 05/02/2024 17:00

Christ OP. I'm sorry. I took your posts at face value.

Catza · 05/02/2024 17:00

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:58

@Everanewbie he won't let me leave, refuses to sign the paperwork to put the house on the market, won't leave himself. He won't be relieved, he doesn't want it to happen no matter how unhappy we are. He has a slave to do all the work with the kids, someone to pay more than half of the bills despite earning considerably less than him, yells at me and the kids every day - if we try to say, ask or do something he doesn't like he just tells us down until we stop talking. He's thrown things at me multiple times. I've lost all of my friends. If I want to leave the house, I need his permission.

But sure, he'll be the one relieved.

And this is suddenly a very different thread...

sprigatito · 05/02/2024 17:02

I'm sorry too OP. I didn't pick up any of the background when I read your posts. I'm so sorry you're in this terrible situation.

LonginesPrime · 05/02/2024 17:03

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:58

@Everanewbie he won't let me leave, refuses to sign the paperwork to put the house on the market, won't leave himself. He won't be relieved, he doesn't want it to happen no matter how unhappy we are. He has a slave to do all the work with the kids, someone to pay more than half of the bills despite earning considerably less than him, yells at me and the kids every day - if we try to say, ask or do something he doesn't like he just tells us down until we stop talking. He's thrown things at me multiple times. I've lost all of my friends. If I want to leave the house, I need his permission.

But sure, he'll be the one relieved.

Can you use his time away to visit a solicitor?

holjam · 05/02/2024 17:05

You are being very very precious and extremely unreasonable about this. Once she is aware it's a shard drive then let her make up her own mind if she wants to leave the car there or not. Why on earth would you need go be "asked" well in advance if it's ok or not?

Everanewbie · 05/02/2024 17:06

You've got my best wishes OP. You don't have to put up with this abuse, and there are people here that will give you some great advice. x

toomuchfaff · 05/02/2024 17:07

YABVU

You sound like an absolute nightmare to live with if this is how you over dramaticise a car being parked on the drive instead of husbands car...

You mention him not discussing it with you.. why would he? its a car on the drive. Its not sending the kids to private school or him flying first class when you're all broke. It's a damn car parked in the spot of his car.

You definitely have bigger problems going on and you're projecting and causing problems for problem sake.

toomuchfaff · 05/02/2024 17:08

Tillow4ever · 05/02/2024 16:54

I've responded about the "D" further up. He hasn't been a "D" for the 12 years he's refused to let me leave. Or for the years of emotional and financial abuse I've suffered. Or the odd occasion of physical abuse. For never having my opinion count for ANYTHING. Literally not being able to be a part of any decision making process. For being forced to push my career to a back seat as he's refused to do various things for the kids so it falls to me to always sort out. For always cancelling his WFH on my 3 office days a month then telling me I need to sort out childcare or tell my boss I can't go in.

I could go on, but I won't.

So I put "D" like that so you'd understand it isn't a usual loving and caring relationship, which may be making my opinion more skewed. Which is clearly was from the responses, which I have conceded already.

Show quote history

if this is the case then just LTB... sounds like your lives would improve.

GabriellaMontez · 05/02/2024 17:12

He sounds awful.

You don't need permission to leave.

Have you thought about contacting women's aid or a solicitor?