Am I wrong to distrust husband?

[PinocchiosWife]

Husband has form for lying. Big things and trivial things. Has to date lied about a number of big things, mostly to do with big purchases when we're skint. A laptop and a car are examples of this, along with repeatedly lying about doing therapy when he hasn't.
Today a new tablet appeared. Asked him how much, and he said £100. Great I said, maybe I can get one too. Cue him getting all angry at me because I "obviously don't believe him". At which point I say that actually I don't believe him as he often gets angry and defensive when caught out in a lie. I ask him to show me proof if he is telling the truth, and he says no, because, and I quote, "I've ruined his enjoyment of his new tablet now".

My question, am I being unreasonable to distrust him, or not?

Just managed to look at invoice, not £100 but £250.
Deceitful little toad.
Am so angry that he's tried to make out that I'm mistrustful and paranoid when he is lying.
Scumbag.

self employed?

i guarantee he will be lying to HMRC to evade tax

which is going to make your life difficult when it comes to cms

I don't expect him to pay anything, right now being a single parent seems vastly preferable. There are a whole host of reasons why our family finances have a big hole in them, so I may be in that rare position of being better off minus him.

He sounds dodgy AF with cash. Can you set up your own bank account in secret and start putting most of your wages etc in there? You could even lie to him and say you had to take a pay cut or some bollocks. Not condoning this but he seems to have such a combative relationship with the truth! He should not be spending on non essentials and lying about the price. You can get an OK tablet for £100 but he probably spent more if he acts this way a lot.

Was actually £250. 😭

Separating your finances would be a justifiable consequence for his actions.

Just bear in mind that, when you divorce, all assets will be considered joint, and the financial settlement will be 'needs based'.

You'd be wise to seek legal advice sooner rather than later, so you can plan accordingly.

Impulsive spending is usually a sign of something else going on, like ADHD or a mental health condition. Does he often buy big items that barely get looked at until the next ‘bad’ buy?

It’s somewhat irrelevant because he’s not trying to find a solution to this and it’s affecting you, personally and financially. At this point he could change overnight and you’d probably never trust him again, and that’s game over really isn’t it. It’s not your job to fix him, put up with his mistakes or just grin and bear it all in general. There’s better than this for you.

I was married to a man just like him for 20 years. I’m now in the middle of divorcing him and it’s been a long and expensive nightmare.

I found out that he has been stealing money from me ( and the business we ran together ) for all of our marriage. He’s hidden it in assets that we can’t find and so he’s coming after my pension and my small savings as he ( on paper ) has none.

He quit his job and went self employed so he doesn’t have to pay a penny in child support.

please PLEASE Op get legal advice now. Don’t breathe a word to your husband and don’t tell him that you are planning to leave.

You need to spend a lot of time playing detective and finding out as much financial information as you can while you are still living together in the same house.

I didnt do this , which allowed him to hide money and it’s going to be an expensive lesson that will cost me half my pension ( I’m nearly retirement age ).

please learn from my mistakes.

Thank you for your advice!

@Y0URSELF - have you considered using a forensic accountant to track down the hidden assets?

"Ruined his enjoyment of new tablet" is such a childish stupid thing to say to avoid showing a receipt!
100000% he is lying just show the receipt

A rule of thumb, that I have with liars.....

I assume everything is a lie, until they prove it's the truth..

Only way to go.

What's more, I don't think you will fix him.

YANBU

Can you leave him?

OP if you've 'Ruined his enjoyment of new tablet', tell him to take it back then!

Sorry about the situation you're in, but you know as well as we do that this relationship is doomed, so get advice on the best way to end it, so that you don't end up losing out financially anymore than you already have. Sounds to me like you'll be far better off without him anyway, as living with someone who lies about money, means that you never really know what you have to live on, and whether you're about to get a shock visit from the bailiffs!

You're really not being unreasonable, the lies alone are enough to walk away from your relationship. I personally find if I'm lied to esp more so if it's a regular occurrence I find it hard to trust that person & have walked away from relationships & friendships based on it being nothing but lies. I deserve more respect than to be treated like an idiot so why would I want to continue with that person?! So you knowing your husband is lying to you & to then blame you for not trusting him I'm sure makes you feel very hurt & some people who lie are very smart in trying to make the other person doubt themselves but not so smart to see that those lies overtime clearly don't add up & can see through them esp if your an overthinker/empath!

Yes I’ve actually hired one . But they couldn't find where he’s put the money. It’s probably in gold, overseas bank accounts in his name or in Uk bank accounts in a family members name.

Why are some men such s**ts?. I honestly don't get how they manage to live with themselves after doing stuff like this. Am having to really fight the urge to 'accidentally' trip with my hot cup of tea and spill it all over the new tablet. He's doing Disney dad impression today, and I feel very Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

are you all off school and work?!

Yes, dc1 has chicken pox and I wfh.
He's not working

I believe that anyone who has their own business that doesn't make any money just has an expensive hobby.

Come on, OP. You don't trust him. You're funding his lifestyle. You're broke. If you stay with him, expect more of this for years and years to come.

So you're primary parent, you bankroll him and get your feelings invalidated on a regular basis.

Why are you with him? No, really, why are you with him?

He won't change. My advice is to either leave him or just let him enjoy his new tablet, bought with your money, and let him enjoy showing it off after making you feel shit. Why should he change? He has done this before with noncnsequence, bar a big of complaining from you, that's hes happy to put up with as the cost.

I'm not trying to put you down or be nasty, but I have been blunt to show you the level of disrespect in his thought process and I think you deserve better.

so he literally bums around all day, getting paid cash in hand every now and then, and presumably claiming benefits?