8 year old lack of gratitude

[Whenthechipshitthefan]

I know its probably typical of most 8YO but DD spent the whole walk in to school complaining about how she gets nothing new (just got 5 new items of clothing, has more gifts from Christmas than she can play with; has 5 new books she hasn't read yet ); has nothing to look forward to (going to bookshop after school; granny coming for half term; lots of trips planned for half term; trip away with Brownies; holiday in Easter) and her little sister gets lots of new things (she doesn't. She gets all the handmedowns - but she did just get some new pants!)

I think part of the problem is her school friends (who are lovely) do get given anything they ask for. Me and DH are trying to not buy too much- not just because we can't afford it (some of her friends are significantly richer than us- bigger houses, more trips- the downside of a very middle class primary) but because we don't need anything and we shouldn't just buy everything we want in the moment. I'm trying to avoid plastic crap and things that don't last.

I just want to find ways to demonstrate gratitude. I'm obviously not doing a good job! I thought of asking her to write 3 things she grateful for in her diary each day but I know she'll just give me her best hard stare....

I don't really know. My mantra is: "Look at the things you have and not at the things you don't have. " But that's more for older teenagers / adults.

The problem is, at their age they easily take things for granted so whatever you have listed in your post, it's normal for your DD. So why should she be grateful?

But you can slowly teach her the value of money and how hard it is to earn it.
So she wants stuff her friends have? Give her chores where she can save up and buy it herself.

This worked for both of mine- sometimes they never reach their goal, other times they work really hard to get it.
So they clearly put an level of importance on items that they wanted.

I'm all for that. But DH wants them to do chores without payment- because they should do them because they should, not just because they get paid.
We're quite lucky in that its one of the few things we disagree about in parenting.

We're going through a tricky time with her anyway- she has lost the joy in life a bit. Its really sad to see. Small things don't seem to bring her joy anymore.

It sounds like she thinks that new stuff is the way to feel happy, so feels deprived because she doesn’t have ‘enough’ of it.

totally get why you can’t/don’t want to buy more stuff. Maybe focus on finding things to do that give her pleasure? Do you know why she’s lost her joy in life a bit?

At that age one way to counter that kind of attitude is to look at environmental stuff.

So many schools at that sort of age do a project or topic on where our clothes/stuff comes from and the resources that they use.

They look at reduce/reuse/recycle and then the kids all get into it and are often bugging parents to get re-fillable washing up liquid etc etc and recycle everything.

Could be a good way to start to instil the idea that constantly getting new things isn't a good thing and she can be proud of saving the earth when she doesn't?

What sparks her interest, OP ? Does she have hobbies and interests outside of home and school ? Does she enjoy creating stuff, has she an interest in music, movement, drama ? Any sports or something like horse riding ?

She’s old enough to start working if she wants more, chore chart and saving up.

This just sounds like standard whinging from a grumpy 8-year-old on a Monday morning. I suspect she's just feeling a bit sorry for herself in general and this is what she's channelled it into.

I'm assuming you did point out all the things you pointed out in your post - ie reminded her that she has new things and that she has lots of things to look forward to, and that her sister gets fewer new things than her because she's younger? I think that's really all you can do - remind her of all the things she does have and perhaps have a conversation about how hard you and her dad have to work for them so she understands the value of things and that new stuff doesn't just appear from thin air. I'm guessing if she really is in a rotten mood, she'll still argue that she wants more things and different things and say that it's so unfair, but that's more likely to be because she's just grumpy than because she genuinely feels no gratitude.

I guess gratitude is something in general you could have conversations about - making it clear when you're grateful for something, and mentioning how lucky you are as a family to have not only things, but also people and experiences that make you happy, and also encouraging her to take pleasure in little things as well as 'stuff'. It could be quite a fun conversation - 'What are some really small things that cheer you up or make you happy? Mine is when there are clean sheets on the bed and they smell all nice and clean and fresh.' That kind of thing.

You chose the school.

If you send her to school with rich kids surely you expected this?

It will only get more intense as she moves through the school system.

You don't want her to get bullied for being the 'poor kid' do you?

You shouldn't spoil her but there is a balance in recognising the environment you've put her in and helping her learn the value of money & about consumerism.

As for DH forcing an 8yo to do chores for no pocket money, is he from the dark ages?

She's not his skivvy!

I am a bit conflicted, 😐
If a child likes clothes and books as gifts, then yes she has had plenty. But if a child sees clothes as uninteresting and doesn’t really give a fig about fashion, then that’s going to look like you have gifted her a bottle of shampoo. Books are only a gift if the recipient likes to read and is interested in those books, otherwise they can be a gift that pressures like “ooo you should read Jane Eyre and Watership Down…” a trip with granny to a book shop (more books)! May be more of an obligation. The same with holidays to places- does she get a say in choosing where to go or what to do while on holiday?

You did mention Christmas gifts, are they gifts she genuinely likes?

If you have mulled over all this and it’s a still a mystery then I’d be asking questions, the girls at school are they teasing her? Making her feel like she is not cool for liking what she likes- ie if she is a bookworm? Or likes going to a bookshop with her granny? She is venting unhappiness and it is coming from somewhere.

On the chores, I agree with your DH. No one gets paid to do their own housework, so tying a reward to chores sets up a work-reward expectation that will only get more expensive as they become teenagers- eg you promised I’d get a PS10 if I did the washing up for two months!! Best to start out how it ends as an adult- you do the housework for no reward. That’s real.

She should have weekly pocket money that is not earned. To teach her how to save and budget.

I think it's a pretty normal phase to go through. They're at the age when they start to develop their own interests and so get given things which are not the usual generic young child things.
Talk about the things they have, the difference between want and need, treats, environment etc.

I actually have a bit of a different idea… OP how often do you show gratitude yourself? Not in the ‘please/thank you’ kind of way but little glimmers of it here and there throughout the day - ‘isn’t the sunshine lovely?’, ‘how lucky are we to have our grandparents?’, ‘what an awesome friend so&so is?’, ‘can’t wait for the weekend to spend time with you and play?’, ‘can’t wait to read my favourite book tonight!’ Etc etc. Children more often than not model what they see. If you and your DH complain a lot about work, life, money… your DD is likely to find things to complain about too. Just the ones that are more relevant to her.

Rich/poor thing is utter nonsense. There will always be someone who has more, has bigger house, better holidays. Private schools are a good illustration to the fact. If the person is secure within themselves and confident enough, it really doesn’t matter. Better teach her that then giving her more ways to compare herself to her peers.

As for DH forcing an 8yo to do chores for no pocket money, is he from the dark ages?

She's not his skivvy!

Don’t be ridiculous. Children shouldn’t receive money for chores done in the home.

We are a family, and we all chip in as part of the family to keep our home running.

You want children to be intrinsically motivated. Nobody is going to pay them for doing the dishwasher/laundry/emptying bins when they’re an adult.

Paying your kids to help out the family is such an awful message to send.

Assume you have already pointed out to her all of the new things she does get (as your op states) to counter her when she says this kind of thing. Also good to make the point that often people who have new things all the time don’t appreciate things in the same way because they have less value when they’re just one more in a long line of new things and it doesn’t actually make them happy. Very helpful too to put forward the environmental angle and how lots of new ‘stuff’ all the time is really harmful to the planet and we don’t want to contribute to that.

You are doing the right thing. I have witnessed a Christmas where one cousin had a huge pile of very nice gifts and just opened them all fairly non-plussed and even moaning about some - not the right colour etc. By contrast the cousins who had maybe 1/3 of the amount (and value) of presents took the time to open each one carefully and express their sincere gratitude, they weren’t poor or anything just more appreciative having not been overwhelmed with a constant stream of new things all their lives.

Did you ask if there was something specific she wants, then you could discuss. It may be a thing that all her school friends have got and she feels left out. Not saying buy it, but if you know you can make a decision and explain why you will or won't.

I have a 8 year old and am trying to be consistent with asking everyone what they are feeling grateful for at dinner time.

I think it is the case that I probably don't express gratitude explicitly enough. I'm quite stressed at the moment and feel frazzled so it would do all of us good for me to notice the small joy moments.

We chose this school for lots of reasons. Not everyone is rich. And we're definitely not struggling- we are very comfortable in our little house with all we need. We're not lacking any essentials. We're super lucky. And I will make a bigger deal of that.

She does love books. She asked for very little for Christmas so got it all (apart from a puppy!) All the things I pointed out are things she loves. I don't know what the loss of joy comes from but all I can do I think is model gratitude and notice joyful moments with her.

This has been really helpful. Both criticisms and helpful comments.

I think we might start pocket money not connected to chores. But also have a set list of chores . I never did and I think it wasn't good for me not to have those responsibilities