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AIBU?

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Original poster

He won't move out

47 replies

Bobby80 · 04/02/2024 22:00

Name changed but I'm a long time user.

Married. 1 DC. Live in Scotland (important to the story due to the legal system) living in a house I own and did so before being married.

Short story. DH is an alcoholic. He didn't drink when I met him but over the last 5 years it has slipped in. For the last 6 months it been daily drinking mixed with some binges/going AWOL for a weekend at a time (using coke). He's a lovely, lovely man when sober but unbareble when drunk. Also, any sort of drug use don't fit my lifestyle or the lifestyle I want for my child- it's a non-negotiable.

I asked him to leave in Aug when he last went AWOL. He pleaded, went to AA, saw a therapist.....etc. Since then the daily drinking started again. I asked him again to leave and he won't. What do I do?

His reason is he has nowhere to go which is a valid point as there is NO rental market here. Also, I'm financially secure as I have a secure job and personal savings. He spends his money on drink so finances for him are an issue.
I'm not willing and don't think (in Scotland) legally obliged to sell my house to release equity for him to buy. He doesn't want to go back to his mum. He doesn't want to stay married but is refusing to leave the house. We are able to talk amicably and I don't want to get to the stage where we can't but I'm finding this very frustrating. I genuinely want to best for him but this is taking it's toll on me and my child.

Advice on how to best approach this, please?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/02/2024 22:32

If you say he is reasonable and accepts the relationship is over have you asked him if he intends to stay living together for the next 20 years or what his plan actually is?

I am not entirely sure that he is entitled to zero of your property because you are married and I’m assuming he has contributed to the mortgage?

Even if you had it prior to marriage in Scotland it becomes part of the joint estate I thought?

You could therefore make him an offer - enough for a deposit on a flat of his own and that might be all he needs to get going

ConciseQueen · 04/02/2024 22:36

Take his stuff to his mum.

Change the locks.

Tell him to go there.

If he’s unhappy he can start a court action. He won’t be successful.

Ponderingwindow · 04/02/2024 22:38

I don’t know the ins and outs of Scottish law, but a financial settlement is likely to be part of any divorce. The fastest way to resolve this may be to pay
him some of his settlement now so he can afford to move out. You need to meet with a solicitor before doing anything. Whatever money changes hands, it all needs to be clearly recorded and labeled as part of the divorce process.

RandomMess · 04/02/2024 22:43

Speak to Rights of Women, hopefully they will know the Scottish Law and be able to guide you Flowers

VeniVidiWeeWee · 04/02/2024 22:45

ConciseQueen · 04/02/2024 22:36

Take his stuff to his mum.

Change the locks.

Tell him to go there.

If he’s unhappy he can start a court action. He won’t be successful.

He goes to locksmith, shows he is a legal occupier of the house and gains entry.

Or, he breaks a window to gain entry and arranges for a glazier to repair the window.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/02/2024 22:49

Ignore all the change the locks, it’s verbose rubbish trotted out on mn by hard of thinking
Its his home too, you want to exclude him you need a court order & legitimate grounds

MariaLuna · 04/02/2024 22:52

My understanding of the law is that I can't change the locks and deny access to the marital home? I might own it and not have to sell it in the event of a divorce but I don't think, legally, I can keep him out by changing the locks.

OP, just go to a solicitor or lawyer and ask. MN can't help you, as you can see, so many PP have had their posts deleted. They're not helping you, just confusing you more.

SapphOhNo · 04/02/2024 22:53

Have you spoken to your MIL about this? What's her take?

BobbyBiscuits · 04/02/2024 22:54

It sounds like you do want want to get rid of him, but ideally you want him to get better. Could you give him an ultimatum about the drinking? Get him into a detox/ rehab and say this is the only way we can be together is if you are sober? If he won't at least attempt that then divorce on unreasonable grounds. Give him his notice and tell him to present as homeless to the council IF he continues to drink. Changing the locks is harsh and possibly illegal but not if he's at the rehab, as he would no longer be officially be living with you. He sounds too chaotic.

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/02/2024 22:57

You could therefore make him an offer - enough for a deposit on a flat of his own and that might be all he needs to get going

I don't recommend this. When he runs out of money he'll come back asking for more and you'll have set the precedent for being financially responsible for him. I have family members like this. There's never any such thing as a one off payment and then they'll be on their way.

Tretchikoff · 04/02/2024 22:59

I believe your husband will have occupancy rights to your home in Scots law.

Hankunamatata · 04/02/2024 23:04

Start divorce ASAP and get legal advice

olderbutwiser · 04/02/2024 23:07

I don’t think you can have both your cake and eat it. You can’t have both an amicable relationship and get him out. You either have to get him out and damn the amicability, or keep up the pretence of getting along fine and carry on living with him.

Which is it to be?

CombatBarbie · 04/02/2024 23:08

Ponderingwindow · 04/02/2024 22:38

I don’t know the ins and outs of Scottish law, but a financial settlement is likely to be part of any divorce. The fastest way to resolve this may be to pay
him some of his settlement now so he can afford to move out. You need to meet with a solicitor before doing anything. Whatever money changes hands, it all needs to be clearly recorded and labeled as part of the divorce process.

They prefer you to leave the marriage with what you came with property wise and anything gained ie pensions, property within the marriage is usually fair game.

KTheGrey · 04/02/2024 23:11

This is what Thorntons Solicitors have online. You definitely need to see a solicitor to move this on.

He won't move out
Zone2NorthLondon · 04/02/2024 23:17

ConciseQueen · 04/02/2024 22:36

Take his stuff to his mum.

Change the locks.

Tell him to go there.

If he’s unhappy he can start a court action. He won’t be successful.

Shockingly bad inaccurate advice which hopefully op ignores

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/02/2024 23:19

Bobby80 · 04/02/2024 22:17

My understanding of the law is that I can't change the locks and deny access to the marital home? I might own it and not have to sell it in the event of a divorce but I don't think, legally, I can keep him out by changing the locks.

Correct. Only a court order can prevent him occupying marital home. You can’t have a huff and sling him out

TerriPie · 04/02/2024 23:22

Download a copy of your house deeds to have them ready, phone Police Scotland and explain, get a locksmith organised.

Police arrive, prove your sole owner, DH dragged out, locksmith changes locks.

Then, never look back.

19lottie82 · 04/02/2024 23:37

You need to speak to a solicitor.

However, I’m Scottish and my ex had no claim to my property (purchased prior to marriage) when we divorced. I’m not sure about occupancy rights while you’re still married though.

Noseybookworm · 05/02/2024 00:46

Not sure of the legal position in Scotland, you need legal advice ASAP and to start divorce proceedings. Not sure if you can apply for a court order to keep him out if he's an alcoholic and drug user? Could be a safeguarding issue for DC?

Honeysuckle16 · 05/02/2024 06:16

You’re absolutely right that under marital homes law in Scotland both spouses have a right to occupy the house irrespective of who owns it. A friend of mine had to move into a rental with her children as her abusive husband wouldn’t leave. She eventually got the house back in their divorce.

Only way forward is to get legal advice about a non-molestation order, persuade him to leave or, failing these, move out yourself. Your solicitor will advise you. You could also contact Shelter Scotland for advice.

Sorry you’re in this dreadful situation.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/02/2024 21:22

TerriPie · 04/02/2024 23:22

Download a copy of your house deeds to have them ready, phone Police Scotland and explain, get a locksmith organised.

Police arrive, prove your sole owner, DH dragged out, locksmith changes locks.

Then, never look back.

Really dreadful advice. It’s easy to be all bombastic regard someone else situation

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