Is my partner clueless?

[Cosycup]

NC for this. Not sure if it’s just my pregnancy hormones causing me to be unreasonable or if my partner is absolutely clueless about how much life is going to change.

I’m currently pregnant with our first child, due in June. My partner has just announced that he has applied to be a volunteer and it’s ignited a fiery rage inside me. I’ll explain why…

He works full time (as do I but will be taking 9 months mat leave). He plays football two nights a week and hopes to keep this up when baby is here (after the first month or two). This means that two days a week he will be out from 8am-8pm, with the exception of being home for an hour between 5-6.

Am I being unreasonable to wonder where he is getting the extra time for to volunteer? Because I don’t fancy being home alone with the baby and dog for more than two nights a week, or at the weekend!

It frustrates me that a lot of men don’t consider who is going to be home to look after the baby when they’re swanning off to their extra curricular activities.

Please don’t tell me to LTB, because that’ll give him even more time for volunteering and football!

YABU = you’re a hormonal, uncharitable bitch
YANBU = who does he think he is?!

Have you told him?

So he gets 2 evenings a week for football, carve out 2 evenings a week for yourself.

1 evening for volunteering for him. So block out another child free evening for yourself.

Now ask him if he thinks one evening a week is adequate time together as a family. I’m guessing not, so ask him what the solution is whilst keeping the balance of each other having the same childfree time to themselves.

He told me on the phone and I didn’t have a chance to react, I’ll speak to him when he’s home.

I have previously said that I’ll be taking two evenings to myself once the baby is here. He said it’s absolutely fine and will be no problem. I don’t think he realises how much life is going to change and that it will likely be much easier to parent as a team in the evenings, for the first few months anyway

Just had to have a rant and get it off my chest!

He is totally clueless. Tell him to make sure he can opt out of any commitments

This, 100% this! It's equal from the start this way and you're being clear that you won't accept being 'default parent' which is something it's far too easy to fall into if you're not alive to it from the beginning. It's good in a way that the volunteering thing has come up now because it's given you early warning that your boundaries are going to need to be strong from the outset.

He sounds like an idiot.

What does the volunteering involve exactly?

Men think once your on maternity leave it's like being on holiday.
Make sure you prioritise time for you.

I’ll definitely be making it crystal clear that he too will take his fair share of solo parenting the baby whilst I’m taking time for my yet to be discovered hobbies!

He mentioned it was a local community charity but didn’t elaborate further. I’m intrigued to find out how many days or hours he was planning on committing to it!

Like many first time parents in waiting I suspect he has no idea just how time consuming a baby will be.

That’s a perfectly reasonable view for him to hold albeit will almost certainly change once the baby arrives.

Those calling him an idiot just come across as being one of the stereotypical misandrists that MN seems to cultivate.

The timing is a bit unfortunate. Most people think of volunteering when family/work demands start to ease off.

Do you know how many hours are involved in the volunteering, though?

If it's something like helping at a food bank on a Saturday morning twice a month, that's reasonable, I would have thought.

The deal could be that 2 other Saturday mornings/afternoons could be yours to do as you wish with while he looks after the baby.