to think I’m stuck here for several years

[ramensoup]

My partner and I bought a house a year ago. This was a stupid idea on reflection, I really believed that things would change and that our relationship would improve, I was wrong and his behaviour towards me just gets worse (not abuse but not nice at all and we don’t get on!) I’m still as horribly unhappy as I was, only worse now.
We have his child with us for part of each week.

I want to leave because I’m unhappy and his behaviour towards me is crap. However, we have 4 years left on the fixed term (huge early repayment charge!). I’ve said I am happy to leave and rent somewhere, but he can’t afford the mortgage on his own.

I understand from online valuation estimates and looking at local prices now that prices have significantly dropped and we are looking at the house being worth about £25k less than when we bought it. If this is right, this means that after the ERC we would actually owe money despite putting in a hefty amount for a deposit 😂

I can (by the skin of my teeth) afford the mortgage on my own for a few years but can’t afford to buy him out so would have to wait for the end of the term for either of us to (hopefully!) get any money back out. he isn’t happy with this and doesn’t see why I should get the house when I’m the one leaving and that he can’t afford anywhere nice enough for his child. He is happy to just carry on like this for 4 years and it feels like he is deliberately avoiding making any attempts to find solutions. I told him our relationship was done over a month ago now and he’s still “not ready” to talk properly about plans to move forward.

I have no children of my own and my biological clock is very much ticking. I can’t hang around for 4 years being treated badly, and I know I should definitely not have a baby with him. Life is utterly miserable and I feel like I’ve got no way out.

AIBU to think I’m stuck here for 4 years?

YABU - there is a solution you haven’t thought of!!
YANBU - you’re stuck there

Don't waste 4 years of your life in limbo. Is the relationship definitely over? If yes then one or both of you are going to have to move out. Can you convert the mortgage to a buy to let one? Could you do a house swap with a family member? Maybe its better to sell and cut your losses just so you can move on.

What is a year of your life worth? If you have 4 years left and you take a hit of £30k all in, over the 4 years that is £7.5 k a year or £3k a year each if you own equally. To me it seems like a price worth paying for freedom. (Coupled with the fact the market does seem to be freeing up, you might not have to take such a hit). Get it on the market, even if you put it on for what you paid for it- if it doesn’t sell you haven’t lost anything.

My advice would be you both move out, convert to buy to let and rent the house out ( share the income) until the mortgage term runs out. Then sell.

In the meantime you can rent somewhere for yourself and get on with life. Best of luck.

I totally understand that potentially losing a large sum of money is an awful thing to happen, but honestly if you are this unhappy, and there's no chance you can/want to reconcile then I would say you will have to take that hit and pay the early repayment (and possibly the loss on the value).

4 years is a long time. It's entirely possible you could leave, live your life, meet someone else and be preggo / already have a kid or two in 4 years from now. If someone said you could have that but you needed to pay £30K (or whatever your losses might be if you leave now) would you do it?

Could you stay put in the house for the time being, but move into a separate bedroom and just live as a house-share. So just sort your own laundry, meals etc, and split the bills.

Not suggesting this as a long term solution, but just for a few months to give you some time and space to work out what you can and can't afford but at no "extra" cost to you.

Worst case sell at a loss but your have to force the sale. Second worse you move into another bedroom and live as house share doesnt matter if it’s currently his child’s room you are 50/50 owners no longer together you both get your own room.

Date and be free in your house share.

Ask him to attend mediation.

If he doesn't let you live in the house, but can't buy you out, then you have no option but to force the sake if the house. You both lose a lot of money.

You live in the house with a lodger.
The rent covers his contribution and you have an agreement to split the sales proceeds on 5 years based on your contributions, initial deposits etc.

Have a legal agreement drawn up which covers:
Rental gaps
If either of you changes your mind
If either if your financial circumstances change
If either if your relationship status change and you both eabt to life with new partner etc
Sales proceeds split
Timing of same
Clause to escalate the timing if you think losses will increase etc.

No real help but your choices are
A- lose money.
B- waste 4 years of your life.

Money can be gained back.
Your life on the other hand.