What stopped you dating your friend?

[Mothersbeenabadgirl]

Assuming you were both single.
Just out of curiosity.. let's say you have a friend of the opposite sex who you get on really well with and you also find them physically attractive.
What was it that stopped you wanting more?
I just find it all interesting..
Some people look for 'the spark', for me the spark basically means do I fancy them or not.
Honestly sounds immature but I couldn't be close friends with a man I find attractive, because I know I'll end up wanting more.

For me, if I'm very comfortable being close friends with a man it's because I am not physically into them, I don't like the idea of that at all.

I think there are qualities I look for in a partner that I wouldn’t need in a friend. I’ve always had male friends I get on really well with as friends, and some are, objectively, nice-looking - but while they’re good friends they’d be awful boyfriends (for me, anyway). For example, I have a friend now who I get on brilliantly with, but even if we were both single (neither of is) I wouldn’t want to date him in a million years. He drinks way too much, tells terrible fibs and is obsessed with going on camping holidays, rock climbing, surfing and open water swimming. I’d rather die than have a relationship with him. He’s a really interesting and entertaining friend to go for a drink with or meet for lunch but I’d have probably murdered him within a week if we’d ever dated.

I can totally get what you're saying! Like you can enjoy him in small doses but you know he'd just get on your nerves a lot.
What about if it were someone you had loads in common with and they didn't get on your nerves at all?

I dated a male friend..turned out he was a selfish idiot. If I ever attracted to a friend now I just remember that experience

The only thing that stopped me dating my best friend was marrying him. Thirty seven years and counting.

How lovely 😍
It kinda sounds here like most women would not date an attractive male friend because they're a nightmare in one way or another, they know they'd get on their nerves or they don't have enough in common, that sort of thing.
Has anyone ever had a male friend who was 'perfect' on paper and physically attractive, but who they just didn't fancy?

Might not be the input you’re after as I’m a man, but I did have the same thing the other way around.

They were funny, well educated and attractive - but just no spark. I mulled it over for a while and did the sensible thing (nothing!)
Met my now wife shortly after though, and the woman I didn’t feel a spark with is happily married too.

That's fair! Do you mean that you didn't find her sexually attractive, I guess?

I have dated male friends and we're back to being friends for various reasons. Geography in a couple of cases. Just different places in life in another.

I have one friend I do sometimes meet up with from time to time for what is basically a date, but I don't think we could be serious about each other. At least, I can't imagine living with him. He did once say he thought if we'd met earlier in life, we'd have ended up together, having children and everything. I don't agree, but it suggests he might not see me quite as I see him. We haven't met up since before Christmas.

"What about if it were someone you had loads in common with and they didn't get on your nerves at all?"

Well if you were completely compatible and mutually attracted to each other, then most people would date. So obviously either:

You don't actually both fancy each other enough to get sexual, even if in theory you both think the other is attractive.

You don't have compatible life plans or overarching morals. Childfree vs wants kids, wants marriage vs not, religious vs not, etc etc.

The timing just isn't right. You don't both want the same thing out of life or a relationship any time soon so there's no point trying.

I dated my best male friend and it was a nightmare - turned out we were completely incompatible in a relationship sense and then we were no longer friends, which was sad. That was in my twenties, now I’m in my forties and whereas I used to have lots of male friends, now I don’t really have any. A couple maybe, who I speak to occasionally on the phone, but they are both people who I had casual sex with a long time ago and we stayed friends. And of the many male friends I used to have years ago, slowly but surely 100% of them eventually tried it on with me…and that would often come out of nowhere, we’d be friends for years and I’d think isn’t it lovely that we are just platonic buddies, then bam, suddenly they’d make their move and if it was rejected that would be the end of the friendship. If you’d asked me in my 20s if it’s possible to have platonic male friends, I’d have said yes, but now I’m convinced that in nearly all cases there’s an agenda on one side or the other.

Sadly I agree. Usually the close male friends I have, it's because the thought of being intimate with them is just not appealing at all so I feel comfortable to treat them as if they were a female.
I had a couple of male friends, 4 weren't even single but eventually they all made inappropriate comments towards me.
It wasn't even respectful, it was pretty much sleazy comments about my body and it just really annoyed me, especially as they weren't even single.
I have one male friend I fancy, but I'm scared to do anything about it.

My ex had female colleagues he seemed to get on really well with, but he alluded to finding them attractive and I'm 99% sure he'd not have said no to them if they'd both been available and interested 🙄

What stopped me was my track record in relationships. I can't imagine life without him in it, and that would be the likely outcome if we dated.

Yes I know what you mean, sometimes your worry you'd lose the friendship :(

I had (still have) a long term male friend.
Nicest guy you could ever meet & he is attractive too, no doubt about it. There is absolutely nothing negative about him.

Friends always said we would make a great couple but we were rarely single at the same time.

We went to 3 dates, no issues kissing or anything & would end up in bed together just kissing or holding each other which was lovely but it was like there was just some sort of block every time it get passionate so we agreed to take it slowly.

Anyway 3rd date came and I was thinking "cop yourself on, it's not that weird, you are overthinking etc". When we were at literally the point of entry, I just went "oh God, I don't think I can do this, what if it's bad" and he went "thank god, me neither, it's just too frigging weird".

We just spent the night talking & trying to figure it out. There was attraction, we had both thought about it over the years, times we were jealous of other partners etc, do like each other but it just felt wrong.

I don't overthink things, & I've definitely had sex with way worse than him etc, but couldn't do it, not even just to scratch an itch. Still don't understand.

We both moved on and our partners are really good friends too & there are definitely similarities.

But nope it didn't and wouldn't work. Only conclusion is too long in the friendzone.

From another perspective, I actually think starting out as friends is the best basis for a relationship if you both have similar values because when you’re friends, there’s no expectation, you’re both being yourselves with no pressure to impress each other, and if you fall in love you have fell in love with who the person is, warts and all! But obviously that doesn’t always work out as pp said 🤣

If you start out with the intention of a relationship then the person alters themselves and is on their best behaviour, and it’s false! Everyone does it as much as they try not to 😂

I agree with you tbh. However some people seem to think that if you don't have this massive spark with tons of fireworks the minute you meet them then you can never be together or be interested at all.

Nah, sometimes sparks are a red flag that you should run. How can you truly know you’re compatible with someone unless you know them on a deeper level over time? I fell in love with my best friend when I was younger and I’ve never loved anyone anywhere near the same before or since. We aren’t together now as he passed away, but that slow burn and realisation is the best feeling ever 😍

I started seeing a guy when I was late teens. It didn’t work out I got the ick and I don’t know why. Perhaps because I was fresh out of a serious relationship.

We stayed really good friends.
He is godfather to two of my children. We often socialised with each others partners and alone. Had zero attraction to him. loved him as a friend.

Fast forward 15 odd years later we are now very much in love and probably the best relationship Iv ever been in.
I still can’t get my head around it 😂

@Nobu32 oh wow, love that. Any idea what changed?

I have a male friend that I have been close to for over 50 years. He was, and still is a kind, funny, attractive man. In our late teens we did consider dating but decided that the risk of losing our friendship if the relationship didn't work out (for whatever reason), was too great. He has now been married for 35 years and I have been married, divorced and (for 25 years now), with DP. Neither me or my friend have any regrets about not giving it a go and our friendship has remained strong.

That's a sweet story 🥰

I really don’t know. We were both newly single having went through messy separations. We were a shoulder for one another.
We got drunk and one thing led to another.
I then started dissecting every txt msg he sent me. I also panicked if I didn’t hear from him longer than usual. I knew then something had changed when I was acting like a teenage girl haha
I was very scared it was going to ruin our friendship too but I havnt looked back since!

Sorry tagged wrong comment I’m still working this thing out lol