To wonder how this is possible

[Girgio]

I’ll start with, I’m incredibly proud of my 3 children, I think they are all incredible, kind, smart people and wouldn’t change them for anything, this is more a curiosity thing.

I’ve been in a relationship with my current partner for a year and a half, he has one daughter, just turned 18 this month.

She is really like some sort of god, she plays tennis to a relatively high level (or I believe it’s a relatively high level anyway), this comes with training early in the mornings etc.
She has predicted all As for A-Level, has done two work experience opportunities with big firms rather than your normal work experience (HSBC and another I believe), one of which involved her dad getting a hotel in London with her for the week and to top it all off she has a part time job.
My DS and DD are similar ages and couldn’t fit in a fraction of what she does. She also still socialises and doesn’t seem to be overworked (in fact she is one of the most energetic people I know).

AIBU to wonder how it’s possible for a teen to do so much? Parenting? Luck? Magic?

It doesn’t sound like all that much to me. She has a hobby she does very well at and which takes up some time. She has a part time job, which lots of teens do - I had a part time jobs from 16, all through A levels and Uni. She’s smart and is predicted good grades.

Just sounds like she likes doing well and being busy.

Some thrive on being pushed and encouraged, others feel overwhelmed.

And some grow up with huge self esteem issues if they feel they haven’t succeeded in the way their parents want them to.

@Deliadidit Interesting question.

Life is fine - I have a good career, a partner and a nice settled life in London.

I probably didn't reach my full career potential as I spend a lot of my twenties living for the moment - none of which I regret!

It made me very resilience and capable, I spent a lot of my twenties astonished at the stuff friends and colleagues relied on their parents for.

As I get older I feel sad for the relationship I missed out on with my mum. My dad is great but there is a lot of adulthood I had to navigate on my own. I have a stepmum but we don't really have that type of relationship.

I was referring to the 'we' who had responded to this post.

Exactly!

‘As I get older I feel sad for the relationship I missed out on with my mum. My dad is great but there is a lot of adulthood I had to navigate on my own. I have a stepmum but we don't really have that type of relationship.’

I’m so pleased that life has turned out settled and you have achieved so much, but I can totally understand how you missed that relationship with your Mum - there’s nothing that can replace that.

Where's your evidence for this?

My ds is a swimmer training mornings and evenings some days. He has a job and has just finished 3 years at college.

He's not social outside the home but loves gaming with friends.

This is not by my pushing him. He makes his own choices and I support him.

People just have different likes and loves in life and different levels of ability to keep busy. Some people need downtime more than others.

Sorry for your loss. You did amazingly after everything you went through

Your DS is doing a fairly normal amount imho.

Wasbed I literally don't know anyone who isn't a swimmer who is up at 4am to train, get home at 8pm and attends school, college or works as well as competitions at weekends etc.

I can assure you he does more than is normal - but he loves swimming and has Olympic dreams.

I think athletes in general just have a different level of genetic energy because they have to to maintain training demands alongside everything else required of life.

Luck doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I didn’t go to University as one of the first people who would get a loan and it terrified me. I can from a fairly crap background my mum had severe mental health issues. I looked after her lot as a child. I went from that to a marriage that I was in for 14 years before my exh had a mental breakdown and now he lives off grid and never sees either child.

I lucked out because I interviewed for a role at my company then I turned it down. The HR director liked me and my skills so much she brought me back to meet the CEO who really wanted someone of my skill set, which was quite a usual mix. He didn’t care that I didn’t have a degree. He was massively supportive of me. He stepped down and the new CEO really values my skills and knowledge and promoted me. It was him who offered the flat. I was saving every bit of spare money I had to pay for it for her, as I know how difficult these positions are.

I never expected to be in a job that would enable me to give dd (and in future ds) the support I can give them. I have worked hard but had an incredible amount of luck. And I am so grateful she can benefit.

I meant lucky for your daughter, not you.

She was lucky enough to benefit from your efforts.

It could be down to peer pressure if she's mixing with kids with a similar drive to succeed, it rubs off .

I think it's unfair to say it's pushy parents.i think it's personality .
i have two DC one wasn't happy until doing something, joined every club going and volunteered for everything the other was happy doing very little and had to be encouraged to do things.
Both were equally successful at school and university.

I thought I was a reasonably high achiever but I feel tired just reading this! 😅 I would love for my DC to have such a fun filled weekend, but I don't think I could manage it. I think some of us are just better OP! Your stepdaughter being one of them

Why have you assumed that all As at A level is making her busier than average?
I got all As (many years ago!) and I put less time into that than my sister who got BCC.

Loads of teenagers have a really time consuming sports commitment.

The work experience was two one-offs.

I feel sorry for your daughter feeling intimidated by her.

Well you say your kids couldn't fit it in but what time do they all get up? What time do they "finish" for the day and go to bed? How much sleep do they get? How many chores do they do or how much stuff are they responsible for their own lives?

Your kids could squeeze it all in but you didn't choose for them to do all that growing up. No shame in that.

You say she still socialises but does she get proper down time? Does she get time to relax?

I’d say she’s just really driven and has engineered those opportunities and good luck to her. Some kids are just like that. I’ve got 3 kids, 2 adults now and one almost 16. Middle is very driven, natural born leader and is the president of a sports unit at Uni, has got himself an internship at a great company and hopefully will have himself a graduate role out of it. His first job was at a prestigious place in London. Eldest is pretty lazy, is working but is happy to stay at a fairly low level as that suits him. Youngest naturally very shy, but also very intelligent but time will tell if she’s able to get herself some good opportunities

I think it's unrealistic not to consider that it may be the involvement of pushy parents, because it often is (and yes, I've seen it in action).

Surely it’s just different personality types, and the luck of having a parent who supports that rather than trying to fit the child into a different mould.

Equally there could be a child who needs time to daydream and be alone with their own thoughts and then turns out to be an amazing author.

Or a child who is always outside, running around and getting dirty, and as an adult leads amazing expeditions to climb mountains or race around the world on a yacht.

It’s the right match of child to supported opportunity.

My son swam competitively when he was younger - as soon as they reach the higher level squads they tend to have a pretty high training load, and they often train in the higher squads at late primary age (10/11) onward. If it's mostly the child's motivation/love then it's great, because they learn work ethic, dealing with disappointment, time management and so on. The problem arises when it's the parent pushing too hard and the child isn't actually getting anything out of it. I've seen both scenarios and I always felt sorry for the poor children who were never quite good enough in their parents eyes.
We need to value effort and attitude almost as much as actual achievement, because achievement does come easier for some.

Exactly. And also as people we are different levels of extroverted & introverted- some people are happiest always “on” and out there doing something, mixing with people etc whereas others need down time or at least time to themselves or to switch “off” and recharge a bit or even to work in silence/alone. I’m a mixture personally- I could not go for long like this girl in the OP as I need time to myself at least once or twice a week -a break. The more intense my life has got (im a single mum now) the more precious that downtime has become and is soo needed. When I do do things I’m passionate and put my all into everything
and do things generally well ie my job, being a good mum, friend, relative, pet owner but it’s definitely in my nature to function better with regular time “off.”

Once again people mistakenly measuring success on how busy someone is or how much they “do” how about we look at who they are as people, how they treat others and their outlook and morals.

“Better?” Not really. Better at being busy maybe. Does that make someone “better?” FYI high achieving doesn’t make a person a “better” person either.

Completely agree.

I don't think she's particularly exceptional though? She's bright and has a part time job - that's not unusual at all. She plays sports competitively too - lots of teens do. She really doesn't sound that unusual amongst my teens peer group.

The work experience is good, but realistically was quite likely to have been the result of parents connections, and was only a couple of weeks so not really relevant to the day to day.