Having second thoughts about hen do abroad (have 1 year old + currently pregnant)

[RedJamBiscuits]

So I will preface this by saying that I am a bridesmaid for this lifelong friend, and she has said from the start that she understands if I can’t make certain get together or hen dos (as there are multiple), so my wobbliness on this isn’t to do with her expectations or anything. I’ve still fulfilled and went above all my “bridal” duties, so haven’t been absent with planning anything or attending appointments in anyway 😊

When my baby was a newborn our bride said she’d like an away hen with just her bridal party as well as a home hen with a wider group of friends and family. As a bridesmaid my plan was to attend both. I put in lots of effort to get these organised, and thought (maybe naively after looking at other mums online) that surely I’d be okay to leave my baby for a few days once he was over a year old. Now I have two months until I’m supposed to leave for Spain, and I’ve been crying about it on a nearly daily basis. I’ve never left my baby even for a night, never mind 4 days. I still feed him during the night as he’s a night waker, and I’ve also recently found out I’m pregnant again. The thought of being away from my little family is absolutely tearing me apart. None of the rest of the group are married or have any kids, so I feel like they’ll think I’m being a bit ridiculous. I’ve already paid for my share of the flights and villa, but I’m now having the serious dilemma of “can I opt out of going and just be happy with the few hundred pound loss” instead of going away, being stuck in another country and potentially having a horrific time missing my baby. I feel really silly for feeling this way and feel like other people just seem to be able to leave their baby with ease? But then I also worry I’ll feel left out And like I’m letting my friends down if all other bridesmaids etc go and I’m not there.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here…advice? Experiences? General thoughts? 😢

I think you should let your friend know now that you don't feel comfortable being away from your baby (and he is still a baby) so are probably not going to go to Spain. You might feel differently in a few weeks time but telling her now will take the pressure off. If she is really a friend she will understand.
Congrats on your pregnancy too.

Well I was completely fine leaving mine with their Dad but you're not me! So it's completely irrelevant.

Just tell them you can't face it, especially now you're pregnant again and that you're sorry but you'll be at the home hen. They sound like lovely friends and will understand. Forget the money, that's already spent.

I wouldn't go and lose the money. If you explain your friend will understand. If she doesn't she may do later if she has kids!

I would feel the same way, and would not go. Explain it as best you can. If she's an empathic person, she will understand.

I went away overnight when my fourth and last DC was around 15 months.

I was so miserable, although I had a lovely night away. There's no way I could have gone away for four nights.

Just warn the Bride that you're struggling to see how you can do it, and see how you get on over the next month or so.

I was quite young when I had my DD and ended up being a single parent by the time she was 1, I was 23 years old. My mum offered to look after DD so I could go abroad for a long weekend and have some fun and I opted to go to Ibiza with my best friend. The flights we managed to get meant a days travel to airport with a late flight so all in all I was away from DD for 5 nights. The first 3 nights I was absolutely fine, loved it, was having a blast living my best life. By night 4 I was crying my eyes out because I missed my daughter so much it hurt. I've never left her for more than 2 nights since. If you feel like you'd be that distraught by leaving your DC, don't go. Once you're there and start feeling that way there's nothing you can do. My friend just couldn't understand why I was so upset about leaving my daughter and moaned that I was ruining our last full evening of the holiday.

I'm sure your friend will understand if you drop out now but don't leave it any longer.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this. DH and I did two nights away when DD2 was 11mo and I panicked the whole time. Any longer and I would have been beside myself.

If you’re ok to lose the money just don’t go

your friends may be a bit miffed but they’ll understand in the future!

I totally get how
a. Before you had a baby of your own how much this would feel totally possible
b. After you had a baby of your own how much this would feel almost impossible

I’m going on a proper grown up break next month and feel only able to do it now my kids are 10 and 8! Previously only done 2 nights max.

it might be good to get away with friends before you have another baby. You need a break. A lot can change in 2 months. Speak to your friend and say you are having doubts and might not go. Then just relax about it for 2 months and decide the week before.

Write off the money and stay home. Make it more about the new factor of being pregnant again rather than missing your DC, which they won't get. But the fact you're pregnant, possibly having morning sickness, can't drink etc. is enough of a good reason not to go on an overseas hen do, and it sounds like the Bride will respect that if you communicate it well, sooner rather than later. Don't waste any more time crying over it. Sort it out today and feel the relief.

I’d write the money off and stay at home - you’d be much happier. As an aside, may I say how ridiculous I think hen do’s have become? Four days abroad and another one at home? To say nothing of the time and cost for the poor hens. I’m really glad I’m of an age when they weren’t a thing when I was young.