AIBU to think I've made all the wrong choices

[stressedout1994]

Hi all

I'm 29 and live in London with DP. I have a training contract with a law firm and so am doing the legal conversion course, then from September onwards (subject to me passing all my exams) I will join the firm and complete the rest of my studies (for the SQE exams) alongside my training contract. Most firms make you do it full time as another year of study, and I'm so relieved to be doing it alongside work as studying is making me so unhappy.

I know that I'm really lucky and getting a TC is really competitive etc etc but I'm finding studying really lonely and I'm absolutely hating it. The pace of the course is really intense, and everyone is 6-7 years younger than me so we don't really have any common ground. I used to have a great job that I really enjoyed and that paid well, and I loved going into the office every day and seeing friends and colleagues. Now I barely have time to see friends as I'm trying to study all the time, and I barely have any money as my rent is so exorbitant. Humiliatingly, I also got sacked from a part time restaurant job for 'forgetting things'!

Often when I sit down to study I end up wasting huge amounts of time faffing around - it's like I've completely lost the ability to study or focus on a task, which I find bizarre as I used to be really efficient and highly praised at my old job.

It's impacting my relationship with DP. I look around at my friends who are having kids or buying houses and feel like I've made all the wrong choices - re-training when I'm nearly 30, starting from the bottom in a new role. I'm worried that I'm not cut out for a high stress career, and that now I won't be able to have kids because I'll be 32 when I qualify. Last Christmas my mum essentially said that I'm too highly strung to practice lol.

It's funny as I think the law per se is really interesting and that I'll enjoy it, but I feel like the stress and uncertainty of studying is making me re-evaluate loads of other areas of my life. I know on paper that my life is good, but I feel like all the milestones of adulthood are so far away at the moment, and I'm nearly 30.

I used to be really energetic and now I just feel tired and sad all the time and I often can't sleep. I start crying for no reason, and I have to check the gas 6 times before I leave the house because I'm convinced that the stove will blow up and my landlord will sue me for destroying their property.

YANBU - this is a proportionate response to a stressful year
YABU - go to a GP

Maybe some depression or ocd tendencies, I’d see your doctor.

but it doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying law, study is a slog, but it’s not going to get easier.

I re-trained at a similar age - it was totally worth it and I had my first child at 35.

I’d suggest it is worth the short term pain, but also that you do need help with your stress and anxiety 💐

Bless you, you sound really stressed and sad. Studying is hard and it's normal to procrastinate etc. You definitely need some support. See your GP and take it from there. I don't know anything about TCs but is it possible that once you've got through this year of study and are working for the firm you'll enjoy it more?

Thank you ladies these are all really nice responses ! Thing is I actually do enjoy working, and don't even mind slightly gruelling hours if in an office with others... it's just the studying alone for hours that I find hard, so think you are right @myphoneisbroken

@Stopandlook that is so reassuring !

I have been where you are now, albeit slightly different. I had my children first and then went and did my law degree and post grad study and training. I qualified as a solicitor at 42 as a wife and mum to 3 DC. The working, training and studying years were awful, and so many times I felt like giving up. But I wanted to give my children a financially stable home, and now they have that. I am so grateful to my younger self for not giving up when I really wanted to.

These years you're experiencing are hard, no doubt, most people who qualify do so through sheer grit and determination.

YANBU to feel like this, it is overwhelming.
YABU - seek what help you need to get through this time in your life.

Your mum is being unreasonable telling you you aren't cut out for law. There are many areas of law that are not corporate very high stress roles. But you have time to see what area and firm suites you. It doesn't have to be big law firm in London doing a corporate job.

Good luck and breathe through this period, it will be over before you know it.

Don't think of having children as a "milestone of adulthood". If it happens or not you are still an adult.

Can you study in the evening in the office?

Ages ago when I did my professional exams (not law), all of us trainee type people would study in the office in the evenings.
There'd be noone else in so we'd have an office each, but we'd go to get a sandwich from the shop first for dinner together.
And at least we'd know there were people in the next door meeting room, in the same boat.
Would that apply? Would you try it even for a day and see how you get on?

I'd say see your GP as they may be able to help.

Set yourself a realistic timetable for studying and allocate yourself a reward you can have after each session (or midway!) to help you focus and use your time productively. Maybe keep a checklist of each achievement?

The end is in sight if the exams are later this year. Plan some nice things to do after they're over so you have something to look forward to. Don't give up as I think you'll regret it.

Stop thinking about the distant future, keep your eye on the prize. You can work out later when it will be the right time to have children- but for now, it isn't.

Good luck

You sound like you could use some support - I think you should see a GP. I work in this area and I don't think your response to this particular year of study is completely in proportion (for someone who doesn't have other commitments like kids or a job) but you're clearly normally a high flyer if you got a TC with a city firm.

I am the queen of procrastination when it comes to studies (I am doing it while working full time age 41). My tutor advised 20 minute bursts of work (max of 45) then allow yourself to do something different.

i also got sleep tablets. I was dealing with shit behaviours at work that became all consuming. I knew I could cope if I’d been able to sleep. I have only ever taken 4 tablets and only one a week so I don’t get addicted.

Thanks again for all your responses ladies is really useful. TBH I think part of the underlying problem is basically me - I have never had a job I didn't think I'd get sacked from. Which is ridiculous as I've always been promoted, got big pay rises etc... I always have this feeling that the rug will be pulled from under my feet. Would like to do something about it but don't really know what lol

It sounds like some behaviours associated with imposter syndrome. Could you access therapeutic support or coaching at all through your uni to unpick it all

I can’t answer either because I think both and neither!

sounds to me like your a total badass and you’re working really hard. It’s totally normal to be overwhelmed, I studied for albeit not as intense professional examinations while I worked and I can’t imagine the level of stress you’re under. However if you like the subject matter and you’re doing well, don’t throw in the towel. Take a break, rest reframe but don’t jCk it in.
or if you decide you don’t enjoy it and you’re not doing well, pivot and remember you never lose you just learn.
good luck. I think your future as a Lawyer will be bright

I agree with the comment re imposter syndrome. Most lawyers suffer with it OP. I'm a senior associate and it still gets me! A lot of us have perfectionist tendencies; it's what makes us good at the job. But it also means we can be hard on ourselves. You're doing great, I promise you. Can you look for a mentor? Doesn't need to be someone in your own firm. I've ended up with mentees from really random places! Oh, and I was a mature student. I qualified just before I turned 30. I'd been married six years at that point, and I had my DD nearly two years ago. It will fall into place!