Don't feel like life with dh is 'healthy'

[flopsy22]

This might sound like I'm using him as a scape goat and maybe I am but I honestly feel our lifestyle together is making us both fat and unhealthy.

We have young dc and no childcare so we don't ever get to go out together although I make the effort to see friends, go the gym etc a lot more than he does. We have fallen into a trap of drinking at home and ordering takeaways a lot. We watch mindless shit on tv that 90% of the time one or both of us will fall asleep during and I just find myself thinking our lives are very depressing and unhealthy.

I can't blame him solely for this. I choose to eat and drink too. But mostly it's because he's doing it and there's nothing else to do. I doubt I'd do it if I lived alone and I'm almost certain I'd go to bed earlier and probably have more energy and the inclination to do more productive stuff in the evenings - read, declutter, do an exercise class online.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. But I feel trapped somehow in this lifestyle at the moment and it's really hard to explain. Dh isn't controlling and if I wanted to go out on an evening with friends or whatever he'd be fine with it but I almost feel guilty and actually if I'm really honest, after a day with the kids I just want to be at home in my pjs in front of the telly.

I just feel like since lockdown and since the birth of our youngest child we've become total slobs and it's hard to change yourself when your partner is doing it too. Help!

Eat at the dinner table - and take it in turns to cook!! Make healthy alternatives to your favourite takeaways.
Go for an evening walk together as a family if you can - just 30 minutes everyday will do you all good - even if it's just around the block.
Do Parkrun on saturday mornings - it's free and the whole family can join in!!

Can you suggest a no alcohol for a month and then that you can put the money towards something fun you know he'd be into even if it was just crazy golf / wakeboarding lesson

Also are you willing to look into childcare on a semi frequent basis to do things together?

If he is competitive tap into that perhaps start something and suggest he couldn't do it etc

Instead of takeaways could you do meal kits and cook together? Or say you'd rather put the money towards a holiday (thats the only thing keeping me going at the moment!)

Knock the drink on the head. You will feel so much better by doing this one thing.

We have fallen into a trap of drinking at home and ordering takeaways a lot. We watch mindless shit on tv that 90% of the time one or both of us will fall asleep during and I just find myself thinking our lives are very depressing and unhealthy

You have had a lot of good and very specific advice, @flopsy22 . Take what you think might work for you and make a list, then prioritize.

You can transform the way you live, but you need the necessary motivation, and only you can do it. Remember how to eat an elephant - one bite at a time. Just make sure you take at least one bite every day.

Personally I'd focus on healthy eating, not drinking and exercising to start with. For the latter, have a look at the followingand experiment...:

Lucy Wyndham Read
Yoga with Kassandra
Rebecca Louise
Growingannanas
Heather Robertson
Caroline Girvan

Totally!!

So much more clarity, and so many productive hours in the day...

How old are your dc? Do you take them out?
What have you got planned this weekend?

Sit down with your dh, tell him how you're feeling and come up with a plan that you can both stick to.
It could be something like cooking a simple meal together and having only one drink with it and watching something that's not so mindless. So much good tv out there.

The things you suggested are good ideas. Why not do it together? Find an online dance/exercise class you could both do. There are lots to do with a partner.

There must be loads you could do together that align with your interest.

OP doing that stuff together is nice like one or two nights a week so don’t feel guilty if you want to branch out on other nights. Like previous have said, cook a healthy dinner, abstain from booze one or two nights, meet a friend for a walk one evening. Buy some loop earplugs and go up to bed early one night to read a book and catch up on sleep.

but also I think lots of people feel stagnant in Jan/feb, it’s still dark and wintery and it’s quite nice to hibernate.

Wow, I could have written this post word for word, except we couldn't have children and are pensioners in our mid seventies.
It's very easily done, so no blame on you at all.I feel the same

We've have a great marriage of 50 years so no problems there.
Could be winter etc, but it changed during lockdown.
In fact I was just thinking today about volunteering at our local cats' shelter again.
I hope you find the motivation to improve your situation.

i promise it’s more fun than it sounds - board games.

we made a deal we were going to switch two tv night a week for a ‘relational’ activity - something that involved us interacting. We play a lot of board games. Can’t recommend it enough - we like learning new ones+ expanding old ones. I genuinely look forward to them - and I feel much more like I’ve actually had some down time when I’ve done an activity rather than slumped on the sofa.

and it’s actually quality ‘together’ time - where you chat and make plans and fill the relationship bucket.

We have a toddler together and I have two older dc from previous marriage. The older two have clubs and sports at the weekends and some weeknights so that takes up a lot of our time. They go to their dads EOW so we used to have quite a bit of freedom but since having dd together we don't get out much.

We don't drink/eat takeaways every night of the week by the way! We do have a weekly takeaway usually on a Friday and we maybe have a few drinks between 2-4 nights a week when all dc are in bed. It's not great, I get that.

I totally agree with the feeling of dh being here making me demotivated. I'm so glad it's not just me that feels like this and can't find a way to describe it that doesn't make me sound like im blaming him! I just feel a lot more motivated to get stuff done when he's not here. Occasionally he'll work a Saturday and I genuinely relish those days. I'm ready for him to come back of course but I do feel like I get so much more done.