Does anyone else have very few people who give a fuck about them?

[CannotBeResolved]

I have my DP and an aunt. That's it, really. I thought I had "friends" but they have mostly fizzled away since my mother died last year in her 50's. They're not bad people, they just have their own lives and death is uncomfortable I guess. I get a text now and then basically but I've learned not to expect a reply if I text them so not going to bother anymore.

I'm not sure where I went wrong to have ended up like this, instead of being the person who people care about and check in on and support. All my mates have commented in the past how I have always been there for them, how I am somebody they want to call if something happens.

Can anyone relate to being the person that basically ignore and avert their eyes when you are suffering?

It’s normal for it to be immediate family only, your parents especially care, and spouse, dc, (siblings sometimes).

It is the people whose lives would be devastated if something happened to you.

Do your friends have kids?

I think sometimes when the kids are young etc, people are not quite as capable of providing the level of support they'd like. Because their own lives are so hectic and busy with kids and work etc.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother passing away recently.

So many people have become isolated post Covid lockdowns. No one really wants to meet up or even just contact any more. Its a real shame.

If you miss the company of your friends, could you join a hobby group or volunteer to try and get to know others?

Over the last week I've realised this, yes. It's such a sad thing to acknowledge. I'm sorry. Hope you find your people.

It is hurtful to realise isn't it, I hope you meet some good people too.

'All my mates have commented on......how I've always been there for them'

I'm a lot older than you and I've come to realise that if you appear to be a strong, independent person who people come to when they have a problem nobody seems to think that you need care sometimes. So you end up with people forgetting your existence until they want a shoulder to cry on or to vent or just some company and a laugh. I have one very good friend who I've known for 40 years (and my sons) that I know cares and i could rely on but most of the rest I accept are only contacting me when they want something.....which is fine if you understand that and don't expect more from them then you won't be disappointed. These are perfectly nice people, I don't mean users and abusers I've long since got rid of them!

Ok but none of my other family are bothered, I find it difficult and sad.

Plus other people do seem to have friends who call them, chat with them etc, when they are bereaved.

Mine have basically dumped me.

Some have kids, more of them no kids.

Just wanted to say I’m sorry they let you down. It’s crap. And I’m sorry for your loss 💐

Good friends will call and help out.

I have good friends that I will do that for. Ultimately though, I only care up to a certain point, and would not seriously inconvenience myself for them. For my dc, I would do absolutely anything at my detriment if needed.

If your dp and aunt would do anything for you, then that’s great

I totally understand. My DH offered to plan a party for my 40 th but other than my Dc /Dh and Db I would be lucky to get a handful. When ur surrounded by people on school runs you think you have lots of friends but the reality is differnt.
I hope you manage to find friends who deserve your friendship. We all need only a couple of special friends in our lives.

My DP and my children. That’s all I have apart from a friend who lives in another country who I doubt I’ll get to see again (not morbid, just reality). We do live very rurally. I found it painful at my mother’s funeral years ago…she only had her DP and her children and one friend from forty years before, and it made me so sad. She was in the Guinness Book of Records for Longest Non-stop Political Speech (36 1/4 hours!) and had an intellect I doubt I’ll ever have the honour of witnessing again, she would help out any neighbour, at any community fundraiser - made thousands of cakes for cake stalls over the years - yet it was just us.

I’m sorry you are experiencing grief, it touches in so many ways. I’m sorry too, that you are experiencing this loneliness…do you feel you can do anything proactive about it? Join new hobby groups maybe? Talk to a colleague/neighbour you’re only on nodding terms with? Get closer to in-laws?

Same boat here. Not even my very large birth family give a toss if I’m alive or dead. H and teen DC would probably care in a ‘well who’s going to cook dinner’ kind of way. H’s family have never bothered with me and we can go years without seeing them despite them only living a few hours away.

Sadly the legacy of being an scapegoated child/turned into an invisible person/people pleaser with absolutely no self esteem. The few friends I used to have I realised weren’t friends at all when I asked for my many favours to be reciprocated occasionally!

It is upsetting sometimes as I’ve been described as very warm and caring and would love genuine friends but find it impossible to make new friendships now. Your whole family ostracising you kind of knocks your confidence in yourself!

I have a friend who has needed a huge amount of support over the last year and I've done my best but it's all been too much and very stressful. I have a busy/ stressful life as it is so it's really too much to prioritise friends as well as my family. I want to help and support her but not at the detriment of my family. People can only cope with so much so maybe your friends have big families or kids etc so they can't extend to helping friends as well?

Yeah could probably count them on one hand

Totally get this. I'd like to point out thought that I'm not talking about needing a huge amount of support like your friend. At least I don't think so?

The last time I spoke to one of my (formerly would have described us as close) friend in person was 4 months ago for one, and last summer a phonecall with the other I think.

I'd just like to feel I could have a chat with a friend maybe every couple of weeks and not have months and months go by?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, this is so hard. It's really hard to not have a wider family you can rely on to give a stuff if you're dead or alive.

Your mum sounds awesome, I'm sorry the absence of people was so pronounced at her funeral

Bereavement is a terribly lonely thing to go through. People just fall away. In my experience it’s common for people to have to face the existential loneliness of realising not many people are truly there for you in the wake of a loss. I think it’s partly a function of modern life and not living in close-knit communities any more. I’m very sorry for the untimely loss of your mother.

I was thinking about that 2am call thing too.

If anything happened to my lovely DP I'd have nobody really to call either. My aunt lives abroad and could not worry her at 2am!

When I think of the communities of my childhood and young adulthood, like just all the communities from doing a sport and education and shared interest groups, as well as the actual community I lived in, I have no idea how I have come to be so isolated now.

@Mandarinaduck I was just writing my musings about communities, as you were posting.

I do think there is a wider issue, that the fabric of society has changed a lot even in the last 30 or so years.

No one at all gives a fuck about me. Its ok, I'm going to detach from everyone but my kids.
I've surrounded myself with a bunch of pisstakers.