To want my mother, just sometimes, to have both dds, not just the older one?

[jellybelly25]

Ive got a bit of an issue here, with the fact that my mum is quite happy to look after my eldest (now 8yo) but hardly ever offers to have the baby (10.5mo) and I really want her to have a good relationship with her, as well as being a bit desperate for some help (I have final year exams in may, coursework to finish and am a sahm so no formal childcare). A relative from dh's side has been v helpful with the baby, and I have tried to share the responsibility between them to avoid competition etc (my mum is a bit sensitive like that) but my mum just backs right off and never ever offers to have her, whereas she's often asking for the oldest to sleep over i don't think it's fair on either of them and the baby now doesn't know her when she comes to visit, so it's even more of a big deal for her to have her, even just for an hour.

with the eldest I was a single parent (from about 5mo onwards) and my mum helped a lot. I do worry that maybe she helped too much, and I've put her off or something! This time, I am married, and she seems to think I don't 'need' any help. She also thinks dd2 is a 'difficult baby' due to a couple of times when she had her, not for long though, when she was tiny and she cried a lot. And also because I don't have a minute for minute schedule for her with feeds and naps written down, which she says I did with the other one but I'm sure I didnt'! if anything, I need more help now than ever because of my exams and because nights out are really special for me and dh, and we have literally no-one else apart from his aunt, but dont want to take the p*ss with her (the only reason i have a hope of submitting anything reasonable to uni is because she has her one morning per week).

I'm just sad that she doesn't seem to want dd2, more than anything else. It wouldn't bother me if it was both of them, but it's clear favouritism, and I don't want them growing up aware of it.

Could it just be that 8yrs on from your oldest being a baby your mum (also having aged 8yrs) isn't sure if she can cope with both of them???

It sounds like she's scared of lloking after the baby. Have you specifically asked her to do so, rather than asking her to have your older daughter? Sometimes what you need has to be spelled out. She might think that you've chosen the other relative rather than her to help with the baby?

maybe yeah, but then i'd be happy for her just to have the baby... she has a partner and two teenaged step-kids who all basically do just as much of the looking after though, so it's not like she's on her own with them. i just want her to know her and be excited to see her again.

Have you specifically asked her to look after the baby? What does she say?

i have sort of shied away from asking directly due to the lack of interest

she's not very old btw if you are imagining a doddery old lady!

I think some people stick to their comfort zone. Your older child is a known quantity, your baby might throw up problems she's not sure how to deal with. Do you think she feels you have confidence in her ability to look after your little one?

i should just talk to her reallyl but she is a tad emotional and i will need to tread carefully! sorry to be a bit patheitc

The 'emotional' thing might be a clue here - she just is not sure she can cope, rather than not wanting to do it. Is there any way you could spend time, with your baby, at your mum's, talking her through the routine? Grandmas do tend to like to be asked - as long as they know you're not going to take advantage , and it doesn't sound like you are. Is your 8 year old one who would HELP grandma with the baby, or would it be better if she went one time to a friend's and the baby went to grandma's?

i don't know janni. i think my confidence in her ability is lower than it has been because i think her own confidence in her ability is low, soit sort of self-perpetuates. you're right about older one being known.. she's like part of the furniture there.

YANBU to want it, but are a bit unreasonable to be upset that she chooses not to. She your mother not theirs, and sometimes grandparents dont enjoy, or cant cope with youger children.

When my mum was alive she struggled with my sisters two, but was fine with one, my mother in law is just not interested. As much as I would love her too, its just not her way and I cant expect it.

Maybe you need to take the lead and ask your mum to have just the baby, for a short period, so she can see how she gets on. Give her all the info. she needs, even if it seems like she's fussing. Build it up gradually, rather than expecting her, off her own bat, to offer to have both of them. I'm settling a very clingy (adopted) 3 year old into nursery at the moment and it really is slowly, slowly, slowly - but each day there's a bit of progress. You could try this approach!

she would probably be helpful, if not just engrossed in tv or barbie house or whatever. yes i;m trying to orchestrate more time altogether. i better go to bed, thanks though

jelly I know where you are coming from...my mum likes to have DD1 and not DD2 (6 & 4yrs)...she knows how I feel (she just has to look at my face!)...so she has said she will have them at separate times...my DD2 is actually the least trouble out of both of them (if you look at it that way)but she feels she may not be able to cope with both all the time...i also think part of the reason is because my sister has a very boisterious second son (pia if I'm honest) and she doesn't want to upset my sister my not having him so she doesn't have my DD2 also to balance it out...

hmm, thats interesting, could be sthg similar going on here. i guess if she cant deal with both of them id really like her to have the little one more and yje big one less, to even it out. so thats my plan, thanks!

mumcentreplus do you feel slightly offended on behalf of your youngest? i do, i really dont want her to grow up feeling like shes second best...

Jellybelly - your little one will not feel anything about a situation like this for a long time to come and I have a feeling that as she gets older, your mum will bond with her more. By the time your older one is a stroppy teenager, your little one will be grandma's darling!!

I think getting your mum to have them separately might be a good starting point.
Good luck.

jelly, babies are tricky though. They cannot talk, they need their nappies changed, you need to make up their milk/food. They might or might not be in a routine. Need to know how to set them down for naps. And they cry, sometimes inconsolably.

I would never expect anyone, including grandparents, to look after ds, and he is 18 months. But I have always had difficult dcs. I don't think your mother does not like your baby or that she favours the eldest. It is just so much easier to take them when they are older. She is probably just waiting for dd2 to grow up!

Although if you really need your mum to give you a break, then I think you could only ask and give her the schedules she seems to need.

As Blueshoes says, it is a lot more trouble looking after a baby than an 8 yo. You are expecting too much. She is probably worried that if she ever does have the baby for you, the time she is expected to spend as your unpaid cm will increase exponentially. She may not be very old, but maybe she feels too old for babycare, strength in the arms, lots of bending, lightning quick reactions to dangerous situations. It is not good enough to say there are teenagers in the house - Grannie would be the one shouldering responsibility.