To dislike DS being lumped in with a badly behaved child because he is a boy?

[Orangeglowsunset]

I know a group of other women with similarly aged children (3) and most of the other children are girls. There is online one other boy in the group, and he is quite challenging and hits and pushes the other children a lot, runs around if we stop for lunch, throws toys and runs off.

My DS isn’t perfect but he doesn’t behave like that, he does sit down to eat and doesn’t run off or throw things. However if he is pushed he’ll push back (I do tell him not to) and he isn’t interested in colouring or craft type activities, he’d prefer to be doing something active.

All I seem to hear is ‘the boys’ lumped in together and I’m getting a bit tired of it, I don’t want to say my DS is nothing like Oliver but I feel like it!

He does sound more similar to the other boy than the girls, from what you've said.

if he is pushed he’ll push back - so he pushes, as does the other boy
he’d prefer to be doing something active - so he runs around, as does the other boy

I'm not saying your son is the same as this other boy in all aspects, just that I can kind of see why this grouping might be happening

You're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do, but why do you tell your son not to push back if the other boy pushes him?

Maybe they want the other dc to be with an assertive dc like your dc?

@takealettermsjones the problem is no one is specifying any ways they are similar. I wouldn’t mind ‘Oliver and Theo both like being outside’ but I do mind ‘Oliver and Theo huh! Boys eh?’ When ‘Oliver’ has just done something‘Theo’ never has or would.

Fair enough! I'm not saying it's right or fair, just that I can see how it happens.

Could they also be trying to be kind to the mum of the other boy, e.g. excuse his behaviour because he's a boy? I know this is not great but I could also see that happening perhaps

Sounds like they’re trying to be nice to the parent of the other boy to be honest.

But YANBU to be annoyed by the “boys will be boys” trope. You’re going to hear a lot more of it, sorry!

Since they are only 3 you really need to take a chill pill and I do think you are reading too much into this boys behaviour. Kids change all the time. Who knows what they'll be like at 5 or 8 or 15?

It's annoying for 2 reasons:

1. Your son isn't like Oliver; and
2. It's sexist stereotypes like this that damage children.

Boys and girls pick up on society's expectations of them before they're even a year old - It's shit.

I agree with PPs though - the rest of the group are trying to make Oliver's mum feel better that her child is a bit of a holy terror. It's really hard being the parent of 'that' child, she probably really appreciates the reassurance.

This. It used to amuse me when DS was a toddler, because the people saying it were the mothers of considerably more boisterous slightly older girls, who were rioting at village hall playgroup, while the boys were still at the parallel playing with dinkies stage.

I probably do need to chill - I just feel bad for DS when he’s behaving perfectly well and gets lumped in with poor behaviour!

Buckle in, because you are probably in for more of this. It's not just boys, it happens with girls too (I've got both)
There is a chance your boy will make friends with more 'troublesome' boys when he goes to school and the same thing will happen then. It's never 'one naughty boy, who's friends are with him, is causing problems' because people see the group as a collective. It's always 'A group of boys' who are causing the problem.
Assuming Olivers mum is nice and a friend who you want to spend time with, I wouldn't let the grouping bother you.
I wouldn't tell your DS not to push back if he's been pushed either!

Grr when do you say ‘this isn’t working?’

At a group this morning and the other child has gone for my DS twice already and when he’s stood his ground it’s been made out they are both as bad as one another. I really honestly don’t want to be an arse here but I think it’s very damaging for DS to be hearing that.

What do you mean by gone for? Stood his ground? What happened? Either you let the kids sort the conflict themselves or you don't go to this toddler group again. It's no big deal he's 3 so not like you're keeping him from friends