Bad feeling about my mum’s new husband

[Johnjackandjane]

Fully prepared to be told IAMBU but has anybody just had a terrible feeling about a significant new “family” member and slowly distanced themselves?

Background is that my DM recently married her partner of three years. There have been a number of instances where he has been controlling with my DM’s finances, lied about his work and has blown very hot and cold with his feelings. I have two young children under 2 and I can’t shake off this utter feeling of dread anytime he is near them. My mum won’t hear a single negative thing about him but she’s mentioned how they’d love to babysit in the future and how he’s their official “grandfather” now they were married and I can’t explain how sick I felt when she was saying this.

I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this as he’s done nothing wrong (to me or my children at least) and I sound a bit mad. I’m usually a very calm and rational person and I can’t believe I’m genuinely contemplating going very low contact with my DM because of this awful gut feeling.

YANBU to have a terrible feeling about your stepfather and be concerned about his lies and controlling behaviour.

YANBU to avoid him.

YABU if you allow him to come between you and your mother, she needs you now more than ever, even though she doesn’t know it. Just be blunt with her whenever the issue comes up. “I’d rather see you on your own.” “I’m glad you’ve happy with X but you fell in love with him, I didn’t, and I prefer to see you on your own.”

In your shoes I would listen to my gut feeling and make sure this man has no access to my children.
I don't think I'd be cutting my mum off, more like I'd be keeping careful notes on things and having very firm boundaries.

YANBU always trust your instincts. Keep away from him.

And if your mum won’t see you and the kids without him then that’s her loss.

Trust your gut op
Best to keep your own children away from him and just be supportive to your mum once he really starts showing his true colours , which he will at some stage. She is obviously not seeing the same signs/ red flags that you are just now

This 100%

Can you make a Claire’s law application?

Trust your gut, You say he hasn't done anything obvious, but your mind is picking up non verbal cues which are saying otherwise.

Trust your gut- be there for your mum but keep your distance from her DH.

I say this more so than ever after reading “The Gift of Fear”. Such a powerful read!

Trust your gut, but don't lose contact with your mum. She might need you, if your suspicions are correct. Of course in real life this is a very awkward tightrope to walk, so just remember than whatever happens, you don't have to put politeness and not rocking the boat above trusting your own instincts, and you do always have to put protecting your children first (even over your mum).

I agree- trust your gut. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a paedophile, but he sounds untrustworthy and you don't trust him. You may not be accepted to apply for Claire's law without more reason (someone may know more about this?)

I'm guessing you have a bad feeling about him because he's got form for treating your mum badly. Although that doesn't mean he is any kind of actual danger to your (or any!) kids, YANBU not to want someone playing any role in your children's lives if you don't like or trust him and are aware that he was/is unpleasant to your mother.

It is very difficult in terms of your relationship with your mum, though - how close are (or were) you? Have you ever voiced your distrust of her husband before? If you really can't bear to be around (or have your children be around) her husband then I think you do have to have a proper conversation with her about it, otherwise she's not going have a clue what's going on. Assuming that you don't think your mum has done anything wrong (other than marry an arsehole) then I think you should at least try to salvage your and your kids' relationship with her even if it means only seeing her when he's not there. Your mum might not agree to that, of course. But at least you will have tried and at least you'll given her a chance to see you and the kids without him. I would also make it clear to your mum that if she is ever worried about anything or feels that she's been treated by her partner in a way that's not right, she can always get in touch.

Have you googled him? His family?

this, this, this

Listen to your gut and be there to support DM, keep him at arms length

Make a Claire's Law application

I would do this

9 years ago my MIL moved in with her boyfriend.
We had a feeling about him from the word go. We made an effort to get on with him but he was hard work (a sly narcissist).
We would never allow him to be alone with our child, despite requests from MIL to have DD to stay.

Fast forward to a year or so ago, MIL had been in an abusive relationship for about 6 years. She’s a very strong independent woman and it came as a complete surprise to us that she would allow it to happen. But happen it did and he’s left her with PTSD.
trust your instincts

Clare's Law aka a DVDS request. Hopefully you have some evidence of things he did to your mum? Possibly also Sarah's Law.

Why did they get married - does your DM have more assets than him? Since her marriage, has she made any changes in her will that provide something for you, or is it all going to him by default?