Sick of people thinking I'm depressed

[keojam80]

Back story. Dd is 20 months old. She sleeps through the night now but when she was newborn up until 12 months, she was an awful sleeper, usually waking up every hour. Nothing worked, she sorted herself out in the end.
I was back to work when dd was nine months full time and dh works away from home, it was a huge struggle. I was sleep deprived and juggling everything alone.
I dropped my days at work to three days and dd started sleeping through. I'm the happiest I've ever been.
Dd catches viral things all the time with being at nursery, usually passes on to her sister and of course me. Her sleep is interrupted during this time too. I've took a lot of absences from work due to the kids being ill or myself. I told dh to come home and share the load so I didn't have to phone in again.

I've got my mum discussing with my dh behind my back about me 'being depressed' and that I should get signed off. I'm not depressed. Viral infections and dealing with work is stressful, thought it was quite a normal response to those things. I had done four loads of washing the other day and dumped it all on the dining table fresh from the tumble dryer, ready to fold to put away...when my mum walked in unannounced. Dd and I were still in pjs at 10am as we had been up in the night with her poorly.
My mum is a neat freak and spends all day cleaning. She said to dh all my washing is piling up and she thinks I'm depressed!!

My boss asked if everything was ok and said he's there to talk to at any time. I am fine!!! I am performing at work well, I'm doing my best.
I'm just sick of everyone thinking I can't cope when I'm actually very happy but sick of these winter bugs interrupting my life.
Aibu to just put up and shut up and not tell anyone anything? Try to lean on my support network and instead of support I have armchair doctors telling me I have depression?

If your work and your Mum are both thinking there's something there, could there be?

So your boss is worried about you and your mum and DH are discussing that you might be depressed. The fact 3 separate people are all thinking similar does suggest they might be seeing things you're not to be honest.

What does your husband do for work

I'd be pissed off too, whether I was depressed or not. It seems unfair to put an unsustainable load on someone and then when they can't cope, say "It must be depression". Your husband needs to pull a bit more weight before reaching that conclusion.

But the next time your manager offers a chat I would take the opportunity and just briefly lay it out so he/she knows this is an exhausting phase that will not last forever.

Sounds tough OP.

Ask them if they think your depressed, what are they doing to help?

When is OH dropping days and not working away?
Why are they discussing you behind your back? Hardly helpful.
When is your mum going to have the kids for you instead of gossipping with your OH and judging your home by her own standards?

A frank discussion is needed with them both.
OH needs to adjust his life to being a parent of his own kids for a start, make sure he's home everyday to take 50% of the load.. and 50% of the housework..

Why not ask your boss why he thinks that citing that you’re wanting to make sure you’re meeting expectations?

It could possibly be something as simple as since you’ve been ill, you may look poorly and tired.

Sorry should have been clearer. My dh doesn't think I'm depressed. It was my mum that phoned him and she said to him not to tell me they had been talking. Dh knows I'm not depressed, just stressed. When the bugs have gone then not stressed.
My dh is annoyed about the gossiping too.

@EIIaJ I'm not depressed. I don't feel down, I function perfectly fine. I'm performing well at work and the kids are happy.
I just find it stressful when everyone and myself are ill and dh is away. But I'm not depressed and I never have been.

i don’t know op, I think it’s better to know that people are looking out for you. The thing is when you have mh issues you rarely see them yourself, I’ve found you generally only see it afterwards, and you suddenly say to people actually I don’t think I was ok. They’re actively watching you now and whether you have anything or not, nice you have that support

Does your mother often walk in unannounced? Does she help you at all? It sounds to me like you could benefit from some help eg a cleaner / home help as your husband works away and you are handling a lot on your own.

You know there's no shame in being depressed right OP? It's not a badge of honour to say you've never been depressed, in fact many people who are depressed often think they're not. The fact is your mum and your boss have both noticed something is amiss, had it just been your mum interfering then that would be one thing but obviously something is worrying your boss.

Why is everyone on this thread trying to tell the OP she's depressed?! OP, I believe you!

I'd have assumed OP is a better judge of how she herself feels than her mum and boss, and certainly a better judge than strangers on the internet.

Incidentally, if someone is depressed (as I have been in the past), it can be irritating to be told there's 'no shame' in it. A lot of us never thought there was any shame in it in the first place!

Mmm, well, when my mum and DH were worried about me, in retrospect I did probably have PND. Having said that, they didn't use it as a stick to beat me with but quietly and subtly worked together to put a bunch of things in place to help and support me.

So I think whether or not you ARE depressed, your mum isn't exactly being much help. Maybe less whinging about the washing and more proactive help, perhaps when the DC are ill would be helpful.

Did your boss specifically ask about depression or is she concerned about your frequent absences and the fact that you are not necessarily coping? If I was a manager and had someone who had to take a lot of time off work because of childcare, I'd be concerned too but wouldn't necessarily assume depression.

A final question - you say you're fine, doing well at work etc etc, but are you happy? The people who know you best may be worried that you're not yourself. That you don't seem to find any joy in things. From my perspective, I'd argue that while that COULD be depression, it's equally likely to be exhaustion and frustration and stress at having to do it all alone with very littler respite, but it would look like depression to people who aren't paying attention.

Ugh god that would annoy me too. People twittering about how worried they are when what would actually help is either practical assistance, being able to vent, or just being left to get on with it.

Find the people who get it (sounds like your DH is one) and lean on them.

Tbf to your boss, you are newly back, dropped your hours and had some time off sick- he actually sounds like he's just doing the decent thing checking that you are okay. I wonder if that would have annoyed you if it was isolated and your DM hadn't also been worrying?

Have you got friends you can chat to? Be clear with them about what you want and how you're feeling so they don't make the same mistake 🙂

I don't know why people are jumping on you OP and trying to diagnose you when we clearly don't know enough about you to make a fair assessment. Piles of clean washing, and children wearing pjs after a rough night of sleep are not indicative of depression, but perhaps there are other concerns in addition to those which your mum has which she hasn't shared with you.

I think it's great that your mum is trying to look out for you, although perhaps she's going about it the wrong way. Can she offer you any practical support when it comes to childcare, cleaning etc. when the children are ill particularly if your DH is away? Or could you & DH perhaps with the support of your mum afford to pay for some help around the home such as a cleaner to try and take the burden off of you?

Your manager checking in with you sounds totally normal. They will have a duty of care to make sure you're okay, particularly if, like you've said, have had several absences from work due to you/your children having viral illnesses. At the end of the day, it's in there best interest to have you in work, doing the job the pay you to do, and so should be supporting you in any way they can to do so.

I'm not depressed. I don't feel down, I function perfectly fine. I'm performing well at work and the kids are happy.

Are you happy?

Yes genuinely happy. Dh is great, love being with the kids and have more balance. The house is clean but gets untidy, two kids and juggling a lot I would say that's normal. The washing is clean just needs put away. My mum lives in an immaculate home and can't abide any type of mess. Will clean toys etc away when still playing with them type of thing. It drives me mad.
She is a gossip and gossips about people all the time and regularly says things like don't tell your sister, now she's trying it with dh.
Just sick of bugs and trying to juggle work. But I'm sure so many of us in that boat.