Friend constantly asking for relationship advice but doesn’t do anything about it

[Younghearts]

My lovely best friend has been seeing someone for about 6 months, for the past 2 of them months she has been messaging, calling or chatting to me in person about all the things she doesn’t like that he has done.

Forgetting her birthday, cancelling because he “can’t be asked”, comparing her to an ex, lying etc.

Every time I tell her she needs someone that makes effort, she agrees but then stays with him and then 2 days later comes to me for more advice.

I’m trying to be supportive but at the same time I do not know how to deal with this, realistically I want to tell her that there’s no point me commenting because she’ll stay with him anyway.

any tips?

She probably just wants you to listen. I’d stop giving advice if I was you. And maybe change the subject.

Yes just listen she is working through this she knows this relationship isn’t good for her

hopefully she shall move on soon (or him)

Are you sure she's actually asking you for advice rather than wanting to moan?

Sometimes people even say what would you do when they don't actually want your advice!! It is ridiculous.

I've learned (I have autism) that when someone repeatedly moans about the same thing, even if they say the words "what would you do," they don't have any intention of doing anything. I don't fully understand why they don't simply say I don't want any advice, I'm just venting instead of wasting your time and energy. It's really frustrating. But 🤷 that's people for you. Change is scary and people only make changes when the fear of that change is less than the negative feelings around staying in the situation. Iyswim. When there's no clear happy choice v sad choice, it's a case of pick which of these barrels of shit you want to stand in.

You could ask her if she wants to change anything or if she just wants to vent.
If she says she wants advice then say do you though? Because we've had this conversation so many times and you never make any changes.

Just say something along the lines of

“I don’t know what else to tell you, we’ve already worked out that he’s crap.. what else is there to say? Just bin him xx”

These are usually the sort of people who just wallow in the drama but are never going to do anything about it anyway so stop giving her advice. You're wasting your own time.

She sounds like the kind of woman that wants a man regardless of how shit he is. I have a long standing friend of close to 40 years. She still at 60 is great at picking shit men. You will like her enough to endure her behaviours, I love my friend or eventually it will do your head in and the friendship will fail.

The tales of my friends disasters sound made up quite frankly as so ridiculous. Some people need saving from themselves but you can’t save them sadly.

"As long as your happy" then change the conversation. She isn't listening to you at all. Why feel uncomfortable at her expense if she can't take back control I her life.

She might actually think "but I'm not happy"

I had this with a mate for about 10 years. Nothing you say will do anything.

I think just being a friend and being kind to her and showing her she is deserving of love and empathy and a fuss will do the trick more than telling her

Is she specifically asking for your advice or just having a moan? If she actually asks for advice, you should just say 'Well, you know what I think, I don't understand why you're willing to put up with being treated so badly' and then change the subject!

Unfortunately OP I agree with what others have said let her have a moan don’t give advice and change the conversation I know it’s not easy but at the minute it’s all you can do had this with a friend of mine there were red flags from the beginning and at first I’d point them out when she was moaning but nothing changed she stuck with him got married she’s now getting a divorce and she admitted she seen the red flags herself and even knew at the time that what I was saying was right but she was in love with the idea of who she thought this man would become.
Good luck and just try not to lose your friendship over him.