Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To want to stop access unless he pulls his weight?

20 replies

Feelingbetterslowly · 20/03/2008 21:22

Dd's dad:

a) Has never paid maintenance (dd is 4 and he left when she was 2mo).

b) Expects me and dd to travel for 5 hours after work on Fri night to take her to see him, and then 5 hours back again on the Sun night, arriving home at 11pm when I have work the next morning every second weekend. This did work for a while as my mum was terminally ill and lived near to him, so I got to see her, but now she has died I have nowhere to stay and so would have to book into a travelodge at my expense.

c) Refuses to re-imburse me for train fares (fairly recent-last two months)

d) Point blank refuses to come down to see her ( travelling sans dd, i.e. can go to sleep on the train) as he "can't fit it in around work"-ahem, what do you think I have been doing you plonker? And he would have somewhere to stay down here.

Just to add, he lives rent and bill free with his girlfriend and gets over £300 a week.

Do I cut off contact until he pulls his weight? Dd dislikes going to see him atm and cries for the whole of the Thurs and Fri of the weekends we go up, and is impossible to control for the following Mon and Tues. I have had enough, I have done nothing to deserve this and have done all the work for the past 4 years, I'm too tired to keep doing it.

OP posts:

waffletrees · 20/03/2008 21:29

He is an arse! I do think, in general, that it is good kids to try and maintain some kind of contact. However, in this case it really sounds like he can't be bothered and your DD is getting to an age where, perhaps, she can sense that. If he loved her he would walk over hot coals to see her. YANBU.

LittleBella · 20/03/2008 21:31

No you don't cut contact.

You simply tell him that of course he can still see his DD, if he comes and collects her.

He is too much of a lazy arse to do so. It sounds like he's not remotely interested in his DD and is only continuing to receive her in his home because his gf would expect it.

It's your job to facilitate contact. It's not your job to organise it. It's his.

RosaIsRed · 20/03/2008 21:33

No of course you are not being unreasonable. It is his right to see his daughter. It is your duty to permit him to see her. It is his responsibility to organise it - and bloody selfish of him to make her do the travelling, not to mention the disruption to you. Tell him he is welcome to see her, but he will have to come to you.

Original poster

Feelingbetterslowly · 20/03/2008 21:34

I have told him that I am willing to come up once a month if he is willing to come down once a month, and so he asked if maybe he could come down once every three months and me do the rest, so I have said no. I only saw my dad for two weekends a year and it really messed me up during my teens, which is why I have kept this going so long. I do not have a partner so there are no male role models around to show her how a proper man should behave either so am worried she will go for lazy guys that don't care about her when she grows up!

OP posts:

peanutbear · 20/03/2008 21:34

I agree with little bella my EX was like this and in the end I stated that he could have DS if he came and picked him up

So it dropped to once a month !!

fairydust · 20/03/2008 21:34

agree with the above dont cut contact simply state that if he wants to come see her he collects and returns her.

Also can u not go to the csa ???

alarkaspree · 20/03/2008 21:35

In your position I would certainly stop taking your dd to visit him, whilst making it clear he is welcome to come and see her. If he chooses not to, then you are not cutting off contact, he is.

If your dd wanted to see him then I would say you should continue to take her there occasionally, but no.

He sounds awful. Poor you, poor dd.

Original poster

Feelingbetterslowly · 20/03/2008 21:36

But apart from that she is a very happy stable child and is rather over-compensated by me and a raft of my friends, so has love heaped on her from my side of the family!

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingbetterslowly · 20/03/2008 21:40

Have been to the CSA-they are taking his driving license and passport apparently as they have been chasing him for 2 1/2 years(!?!?!) It is a strange situation because all of dd's friends at nursey are from backgrounds where divorce isn't mentioned and the parents still seem very much in love with each other, so have noone to compare this with in RL, I am too embarrassed to mention his behaviour!

OP posts:

MrsMacaroon · 20/03/2008 21:41

how come he gives you no money for dd?

LittleBella · 20/03/2008 21:44

LOL

MrsM, you're phrasing that as if it's extraordinary and abnormal!

skeletonbones · 20/03/2008 21:47

No YANBU you've been saintly so far to travel up, at your own expense, lose the whole weekend and not getting any maintenence on top of it all. As others have said, you arn't stopping contact as you have said he is welcome to come and collect/see her himself.

MrsMacaroon · 20/03/2008 21:48

abnormal yes, extraordinary- i'm guessing not?

I'm interested actually because my friend is in a similar position with her ex who has given her no money towards two kids since she left 5 years ago...she's too scared to pursue it as he's not on their birth certificates (as her ex thought it was a good idea- at the time she got more benefits that way or something).

Blu · 20/03/2008 21:49

I agree with LittleBella, too.

It is outrageous that you do all that travelling - and your dd must be exhausted on a Monday, too.

Sorry about your Mum, too. It must be strange and sad doing the same journey but her not being there.

You need a break from it.

Let him come to his dd.

Let him stay in a Travelodge.

snotbuster · 20/03/2008 21:52

Sounds like you and your DD are exhausted by this situation. Don't do it anymore. You could get a solicitor to write a letter explaining that you are happy for XP to see DD but that he has to make an effort. YANBU at all!

rookiemater · 20/03/2008 21:55

Feelingbetterslowly YANBU.

You sound like a bloody wonderful mother to go to all that trouble for your DD to see her father, and all that on top of your mothers illness and demise. Quite frankly he sounds like an arse and I'm not sure what benefit your DD is getting from spending time with him.

Agree with everyone else, his dd, he can sort out seeing her. If you are feeling particularly generous then take her once every 3 months as he has suggested that he can do.

BoysOnToast · 20/03/2008 21:56

i wouldnt cut off contact.
id spell out for him exactly what you say in teh op, and tell him his dd would love to see him here (your place) from now on so he can sort his lazy selfish arse out and get on the train.

youre not cutting off contact, youre just not doing ALL the work to maintain it.

Original poster

Feelingbetterslowly · 21/03/2008 23:35

Thank you all so much, have spoken to him about it today and he is point blank refusing to pay train fares as it "is not his problem", so he can now come down or not see her. And dd also let slip what she does at daddy's house today-it appears she watches more than 4 hours of cbeebies a day, plus films, while daddy and g/friend "are upstairs in bed"! Oh my god! She is never going there again!!!!!

OP posts:

gemmiegoatlegs · 21/03/2008 23:43

fbs, i think you have done all you can...he wouldn't need to make an effort seeing as you were doing all the hard work for him. I don't think this is on and I believe too many men get away with not doing their fair share as long as people are willing to pick up the slack for them. You seem to be doing a really good job with your dd and no man in her life is better than a bad 'un.

maybe leaving the ball in his court will give him the get up and go to see your dd when he realises what he is missing.

when we put our kids on the "naughty step" it is consistency that makes it work. This is your time to be consistent with xp

2GIRLS · 22/03/2008 00:48

If he wants to see her, he can come down to you and spend time with her in your house, don't send her off with him for the weekend especially if she doesn't seem keen at the moment.
Or if you did want to take her up there, then go for the day let him take her to the park and mcdonalds (without his girlfriend) and then go back home.

But, even if he did start paying, I wouldn't send her if she cries about going there.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread