I don’t fancy DH anymore

[Notmeagainn]

I love him and I dread my life without him but I am not attracted to him anymore. He will wear the same underwear for days fall asleep on the sofa in his work clothes. Eats junk never gets his hair cut never buys new clothes always wearing old tatty jogging bottoms and football tops. He had lots of lovely half zip jumpers from M&S for Christmas and jeans and he hasn’t wore them.

He has huge bags under his eyes I purchased him a skincare set and he used it once. He stays up late watching tv and eating crap.

Constantly having a number 2 and it just grosses me out I’ve never known anyone need the toilet as often as him but it’s because he fills his body with crap.

I don’t know whether to say you need to change and give him time or just move on. I know this sounds mean but I’m being honest. I’m not a stunner myself but I’m clean and try my best to look after myself and eat well.

LTB: he sounds like a complete slob.

Is he drinking a lot too?

This is sad. It sounds as though he could be a bit down. Could you try suggesting ‘let’s get some of our new clothes on this weekend and go out for a drink/coffee/walk’? Cinema night together instead of sitting in front of tv? Just
something to get out of the rut?

Sounds like he's depressed to me, he sounds like he has got to the point where he doesn't care anymore, have you talked to him about what he eats, drink and lifestyle?

Is the lack of attention to hygiene new?

We all get older/fatter etc but there is just a level of self-care that I couldn’t get past.

If you love him and dread your life without him, then I think this is something to work on, not toss away.

DON'T bring up the attraction bit but do have a heart-to-heart talk with him about some of the things you are worried about. Mention 1 thing he could work on. How about the clothes issue first? Mention you notice he is falling asleep in work clothes and you want to see him enjoy all the new clothes everyone has thoughtfully given him, etc. If he gets it and starts work on that, then move to something else (new hair cut).

You have every reason to feel put off, maintaining a bare minimum level of hygiene even requires very little effort.

If this is new there may be an underlying issue below the surface, discuss your observations with him casually and ask him what’s going on?

Do you have kids?

Underwear for a few days is not good.

Is he overweight or obese eating all the fast food?

He does sound down emotionally.

Have you asked him about how he is feeling? It sounds a lot like depression.

I had an ex partner like this, and without being too harsh, I encouraged him to join the gym. I went along with him and we trained together.

I made surprise date night plans that would involve getting washed and ready and out doing something.

I went alcohol free myself so there wasnt alcohol in the house or on our dates.

In terms of cleanliness, I would have made comments after perhaps maybe leaning in for a hug etc:
"Oh have you been stressed or sweating a lot today? You smell a bit wiffy today"
"You seem like you've had a really long day, let me run you a bath so you can relax"

Also in terms of food etc, you can say your whole household is going on a healthier eating challenge and just dont buy the "bad" items in your shop. It may deter somewhat, although you have no control if he buys in.

Wearing the same grimey underwear for days on end would be the nail in the coffin for me. Hygiene is very important to me.

He sounds depressed - have you tried helping him rather than bitching about him on the Internet?

He sounds depressed to me. Some people drink to block out unwelcome thoughts or situations but others just let themselves go and eat crap and stay up late. Is anything bothering him?

Does he work shifts or is he under a lot of pressure at work? Is a family or financial situation causing him stress?

I think it’s detrimental to your mh if you don’t eat healthily, get enough exercise and sufficient sleep.

Lack of sleep can cause you to eat crap to keep yourself going and it becomes a negative cycle . Why isn’t he sleeping in his bed for starters?

I think this is a bit harsh.

I think op you need to have a conversation with your dh. I'd start gently- how is he feeling. As others have said it sounds a lot like he's feeling in a rut and feeling depressed, low self esteem and lost all desire to take care of himself because he doesn't value himself.

I'd try to see if you can get him to open up about that, which might take a bit of time depending on how good he is at talking about feelings.

I'd also tell him honestly that you want to reignite the spark in your relationship, that you want to see you both taking care of yourselves, going on a few date nights, trying to be more healthy etc.

Do you have kids? Could you discuss it as trying to be good role models for your kids or trying to be healthier so you're around longer for grandkids?

I do think it's easy especially in a long term relationship to take it for granted that you're loved and accepted as you are but sometimes that can stagnate and ultimately he kind of is taking you for granted. I think you need to gently let him know you need more from him and if nothing changes then you need to let know in a more direct way that it's affecting your feelings about your relationship and you want to work on it.

I think there's a bit to do before you get to LTB stage. If he's depressed then he needs to seek help and you need to support him.