To cut off this toxic friendship?

[Absolutelybloomingflabbergasted]

I may out myself completely in this, but who cares anymore.

I was in a very negative and toxic friendship, for around 7 years. I have mental health difficulties as does this said friend.

She had a big issue with my at the time partner, our friendship and my relationship both ended within a short time of each other. (Cutting out the negativity after therapy!)

It's complex and long to go into, but I felt she projected onto me a lot, our friendship was built upon arguments and jealously. She hated my partner, she hated when I spent time with him or saw him more than her. I had my DC and this just exasperated it more, she would constantly go on and on and on, push the buttons, bring random things up in the past, be spiteful and manipulative and I fell for it each time.

She would use it against me and then claim she was all wrong or we'd just become friends again.

I cut it off because of a big argument about my cat..... She was so upset about her cat dying, for months, 6 or 7 months and she was posting weekly if not daily about how upset she was about her cat dying.

My ex rescued a cat that no one would take from a job he was working on, issue was the cat was black. I hesitated posting him or letting her know because each time I thought of telling her, she'd post or mention how upset she was still. I think this was about 9 months after his passing, maybe more.

I forgot one day and posted a photo of him, he was probably a few months old and she lost it.
I felt like I was in a situation where it was lose lose either way. She blamed my ex because he was the one that rescued the same coloured cat, how could I get a same coloured cat, how could I not tell her.

I couldn't deal with it after that, we'd become distanced prior to this as I was working full time hours anyway.

So, a year or so goes by and we get back in contact, sporadically. I met her a few weeks ago after an incident at work which was traumatic and she was up late. Due to the nature of the incident which was random and a totally different thread, I was prescribed a lot of heavy duty medication, which gave me such nasty side effects I barely saw my daughter for 2 weeks and didnt see her at all over New years.

She got upset with me then because I hadn't responded to her, I apologised and explained and all was cool. She ignored my messages from then.

She makes contact on the 9th, asking am I free, I reply within 8 minutes, I'm with my daughter and explain that, no reply, I message 6hrs later asking if she's okay, no response.

Fast forward to yesterday, she sends me a really random statement about something random and then 4 hours later messages me this....

I'll post the beginning and the end, there's a lot in-between which I'm happy to post but, I wasn't attempting to be harsh or belittle her. I just feel I should also be able to explain my perspective and defend myself to a calm nature and not be claimed that I'm toxic?

I've made so much progress over the past few years, I've developed myself, found a job I love, I have a great relationship with my child, I'm working on bettering my life.

She appears to be no where near that, as much as I want to support her, it is declined unless it's on her terms and even then I'm wrong.

Or so it feels, so,

Am I being unreasonable here?

I have no idea what any of this bullshit means but I couldn’t be arsed with it personally. Block and forget

She sounds like she's wallowing and possibly drunk/on something...

I missed the crucial part of the ending message.

Please note, none of my context is in an argumentive tone. I was genuinely just trying to provide my perspective.

If I have been harsh please do correct me.

I feel its good to share one of my replies for context.

The original message ranting about you not replying came after you... had replied to her message? I'm very confused. Did she not see your reply?

This seems awfully complex and very difficult which friendships shouldn't be.

It sounds like two people ranting. I have no understanding of any of it. But it seems like it's best if you just don't speak to eachother. I have never had conversations like that with friends. Just move on with your life. I hope you have other friendships, family you can rely on and speak to? Don't overthink it, some things are just not meant to be. Block her.

This is batshit. Don’t give it any oxygen. People like your ‘friend’ who have those kind of difficulties experience any and all communication as grist to their mill, to justify their feelings of mistreatment and persecution.

The only way you can diffuse this is to give it zero oxygen. Don’t over-explain to her. Keep it short, clear and final. Block. Move on.

It's all very self indulgent isn't it? Are you quite young? I hate the whole snowflake generation stuff but I do see a common theme with younger people these days that everyone just thinks they are individually soooo important. And all they can think about is how they deserve to be heard and understood and empathised with more than anyone else.

It's draining and tedious and honestly, the whole cat drama should have been the final straw. Stop falling back on this drama llama. You will never change their mindset.

Mid, well late 20s!

So no, but known each other since 17/18 and one side has never changed i feel.

I gave up a while back, but I am just flabbergasted.

I am not sure what your AIBU is?

You've said it's toxic, you've tried to move on from it and low and behold here it is toxic again.

I say it as this is not friendship.

Simply never engage with this person again. For both your sakes, because it just doesn't do either of you any good

Honestly, let her go. Both of your messages are far too complex and over involved. You’re both trying to dissect each others words and it’s a whole heap of exhaustion. You said, they said. You’re not compatible. Block or ignore. Move on. Be sad to lose the friendship you may have once had but be happy to not have that drain on your emotions.

Good grief, all very dramatic and impossible to follow! What's with all the 'ok cooool'??
Sounds like you're not friends anyway. Just walk away OP. No one needs such self indulgent drama

I've written and deleted a few replies, but ultimately, all I have to say is you're right.

This isn't a friendship, but for so long I felt that I had an obligation to provide that support. Certainly not perfect in the situations but I've moved past that period of my life.

That's her basically saying that she was upset I'm how long it took me to reply to her....

My dissection of it, is that she had a bee in her bonnet and directed it towards me.

If I'm honest, neither do I! I couldn't really understand what I was apologising for.

I've formed great friendships post this, so I know it is something I am capable of. I feel that's the only option now, which I came to terms with a long time ago.

Thank you

@Absolutelybloomingflabbergasted

Time to lay to rest this extreme emotionally exhausting 😪 experimental naval gazing friendship,
the longer you stay entangled enmeshed with this one
the less opportunities escape from intensity of this and form new friendships ...

Move on !

One day sooner or later you will look back on this and wonder what on earth was all this nonsense was all about it...

Haven’t read the screenshots but it’s really fucking obvious just from the previous behaviour that you outlined that she is an absolute headcase. Why the bloody hell did you stay in touch with her?

@Absolutelybloomingflabbergasted I had a very toxic friend for a bit a few years back, (we didn't really talk like that on text it was more passive agg and in person with her) it was great when we stopped talking. Life is precious, and you can't choose family but you can choose friends. I'm glad you have plenty of other good friendships. So draw a line and continue being positive for you.

I'm also unsure what the AIBU is about? You call this a toxic friendship and the toxic friend has already ended this friendship. There is nothing to salvage. Time to be grateful your life is now more drama-free and move forward.

i agree with this massively. You already don’t really want this friendship so just stop replying let her have her rant and just leave it this is not worth the headspace.

I didn't bother reading the screenshots. Someone complaining because you or your ex rescued a cat is neither a real cat lover nor a rational person. Just block her.

@Absolutelybloomingflabbergasted I've read my message back and it was very blunt. I didn't mean to be, I'm so not blunt IRL! But I hope you can look at the positive relationships around you and see that this is not a healthy, good friend in comparison.

It's hard to walk away sometimes, but I do think it will save you pain in the long run x

This reminds me of a friend of mine who was in a very bad place mentally and basically had a breakdown around her birthday because people didn't come to something and because of her low self esteem she decided it meant no one cared for her. She needs help but that doesn't have to come from you. She may be a better friend when she's in a better place (or she might not) but you don't have to be the one to try to fix her. Maybe let her know you care and she needs proper support, signpost her to some and then let her get on with it.