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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my mum to deal with feckless 50 year-old and taking on a big mortgage.

10 replies

AIBUBrother · 31/01/2024 19:48

My 50 year old brother has had a lifetime of depression and not handling stress very well.
After being dismissed two years ago for gross misconduct has managed four months of a 28k job before going off sick for a week, now back.

He's about to receive a chunk of equity after splitting with partner but needs to find accommodation.

My mum (80) is encouraging him to max out the mortgage, go for the best, buy a two bedroom flat so his computer has a room in a naice part of town.
I think, but have not spoken to him, he should think small, compromise on location and size or he's at risk of defaulting when financially and mentally it all gets too much.

He's never been a saver, he's prone to impulsive acts and we've no idea how he's financially managed with his recent paychecks.

I'm angry that my mum has drawn me into this with gossip and links to 'lovely' flats and have just told her it's nothing to do with me.
AIBU leaving a bored 80 year old with little recent property experience to deal with this.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 31/01/2024 19:51

How do you get on with your brother?

Have you told your mum your reasoning?

If not then YABU to leave her to "advise" I think.

If it were my sister/mum, I'd just tell them my thoughts straight out tbh. If they didn't want to take them on board then I'd leave it up to them to sort.

Hatty65 · 31/01/2024 19:51

Oh blimey. Stay well out of it. I wouldn't even express an opinion. If I had to I'd listen to DM in silence and then say, 'Hmm. Are you watching Dancing on Ice this year?' or something similar to change the subject.

Mementomorissons · 31/01/2024 19:55

Yeah I'd just leave out of it too. I don't think you can advise anyone 50 years old to do anything unless they've specifically asked for your advice.

My dad was in a similar situation years ago and I know he would say "well, if I can't pay my mortgage, I'll either live in my van, live at my mum's or go to dignitas".

BananaSpanner · 31/01/2024 19:58

Unless your brother is vulnerable then it’s him you need to leave to get on with it. If you’re opinion is asked for then give it but other than that stay out of it.

AnnaMagnani · 31/01/2024 20:01

If his finances are that bad he will find he can't get the mortgage anyway.

IlsSortLaPlupartAuNuitMostly · 31/01/2024 20:01

I think I'd have to express an opinion. If/when it all goes tits up your mum will be picking up the pieces and unless you go NC with her you'll be listening to the drama for hours on end. You probably can't stop him making an unwise choice but you can at least try by giving a well-reasoned alternative view: just once, then back off.

Patchworksack · 31/01/2024 20:14

A mortgage broker or lender will want to see 2 years worth of payslips so I’d be surprised if he can borrow much - he’s going to fail affordability checks.

RootVegAndMash · 31/01/2024 20:19

A mortgage broker or lender will want to see 2 years worth of payslips

Since when? Not any mortgage I've ever seen.

AIBUBrother · 31/01/2024 20:47

I have a vague memory of two years of payslips but that was nearly 20years ago @Patchworksack . I'm very aware that my experience is well out of date.
How are the better, new improved stress tests carried out @RootVegAndMash

OP posts:
ISeeTheLight · 31/01/2024 20:55

RootVegAndMash · 31/01/2024 20:19

A mortgage broker or lender will want to see 2 years worth of payslips

Since when? Not any mortgage I've ever seen.

We bought last year and they wanted 3 years of P60s/payslips and last 3 months bank statements.
When we bought our previous house in 2018 our mortgage was with our own bank so they didn't need to see payslips (as they had full access to our accounts so could see money coming in every month).

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