I am (f) in my 30’s. I have unfortunately just been diagnosed with an entire bunch of mental health issues. Some of which I believe may have been caused by childhood trauma. I have got BPD, Bipolar type 2 disorder, ASD, C ADHD and GAD, C PTSD.
I think my childhood could be very bad growing up. Although I also had lots of nice things and days out, I would be hit and called names relatively frequently by my father when I had done something wrong.
I also recall my mother literally physically assaulting me through slapping me and pulling my hair whenever she ‘couldn’t cope’ with me, also hitting me with a hairbrush once and bruising my arm. My father never once stepped in to protect or stick up for me when this occurred. I remember screaming and crying in fear whilst this was happening.
Once when I was very young, I bit my younger sibling and I should have been corrected in an appropriate way such as told off and explained to why that was wrong ect.
My mum told me that she had ran at me and began strangling me. According to my sibling in later life she nearly ‘killed me.’
My mum actually admitted what she had done to a health visitor, who simply said to her ‘Don’t blame yourself, parenting is hard.’ I honestly do no know how Social Services were not involved due to this.
Fast forward to now and it seems like I cannot even have an opinion with my mum because she accuses me of going on about things, and abusing her by doing so which just isn’t true.
In fact, she absolutely lost it with me and her face filled with complete rage regarding me hoping that one day I’ll be able to work. I asked her whether she just dosen’t want me to have any independence, and she shrieks like a banshee every time.
My only crime seemed to be expressing concern about the fact I can’t work due to all the mental issues, so rely on benefits. I said how it was unfair for taxpayers to support me forever.
My dad also has a tendency to get involved with mine and her arguments which dosen’t concern him. He really had a go at me a couple of hours after this argument with my mum where I had only simply expressed an opinion. I asked him what his problem was, and he said really spitefully, ‘I’ve got a problem with you’ and ‘you should go home’ ect he was really raging at me.
My mum is always going on about my bipolar, using it to invalidate my experiences of things.
I honestly don’t see what I did wrong. I feel as though I am being gaslight and that they are projecting their issues onto me. I’m consistently accused of having mood swings by my mum if I attempt to stick up for myself, which is unfortunately now backed up by this bloody bipolar diagnosis. I’m not honestly sure I have bipolar, but think my issues may be more down to trauma.
I really would go NC with them but I’m single, unmarried, no children or family of my own. I’m extremely vulnerable with not even any other extended family and I have no friends because no one likes me.
I had to end my relationship with my ex boyfriend because he couldn’t commit to me and lied about wanting a future with me. My mum says that the relationship became like this because he couldn’t cope with me. She is always shouting at me about how difficult I am and was during mine and her arguments.
My self esteem has completely eroded to be honest. I cannot even hold down a job which I feel consistently guilty about. I just keep getting fired all the time for things to do with my mood or making mistakes.
I am not suggesting I am in any way perfect, I do wonder though if some of my behaviour with them may have been reactive abuse, such as my tantrums or being lippy as a child ect.
After one particular abusive incident at 15, my dad once told me that if I said anything back to him, he’d come right back in and smack my face. He would have done too. He frequently hit me around the head/face.
If I cut them off, I know it sounds stupid but I don’t have a clue how I’d cope alone, as they are also my main carers, and I think I’m likely trauma bonded. I know I’m going to be really mentally unwell though if all the toxicity with them continues.
I’m too scared to tell any of my psychiatrists the full truth in case my parents get into trouble, and I bring trouble on the family. My mum has frequently said if I brought any trouble to them I’ll be disowned. Maybe I should just end it all. I feel a living wreck at times to be honest, always so so anxious.
I really need some advice, I don’t know what to do.