To sit and cry over job?

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Spent this morning before I was due to start work, in floods of tears.
I just can’t do it anymore - drained and burnt out!

I work in the justice sector - similar to a Probation Officer but not - we have caseloads on a limited time programme and have to carry out and refer into interventions to address behaviour. Same as Probation in that we have our own ‘clients’ assigned to us and we have to keep in touch minimum once a week, calls or face to face. I’ve only been in the job a few months but I internally transferred from a very similar role, just a different area.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which doesn’t help. I spend my days stressed and anxious - trying to keep on track of everyone, being told multiple things which aren’t always true (!), watching distressing things and listening to multiple problems and having to be the person to sort it out or be a sounding board every day. Some people who by nature just want to rant and swear and you’re in the line.
We’re going to be a few staff members down for the whole county very soon too so I know we’re soon going to be asked to take on more people in other areas too. I feel I can’t go off sick because of this and because I haven’t been in the role that long.

I feel like I’m drowning in my own personal life - trying to be the best parent to 2 young children (baby and a pre schooler), guilt of not seeing them, stress of trying to run and clean the household (meal plans, laundry, shopping etc) which means I only have a couple of hours window a night to get everything done which usually means not enough sleep and money worries as childcare crucifies everyone.

On top of this, I recently raised a grievance with two individuals (not in my department) for massively crossing the line which HR agreed they shouldn’t have done. Instead of accepting their behaviour, one of them instead told my boss that I must just have a problem with them because they’re a non-white person which is an awful accusation to have pointed at you.

I’ve worked in the justice sector for many years in other roles but I think I’m just at my limit with it and ready for a change, whatever that may be (ADHD means I can’t even see a way forward!)
I’ve considered part time but worry I won’t bring in enough money vs perhaps the saving of childcare not being needed.

Someone talk some sense to me please!

Firstly you need to listen to what your mind and body is telling you; you need some time off work. Whether this is annual leave, signed off please do as soon as you can. You'll find it a lot easier to plan when you're not also consumed with work. You'll have plenty of transferable skills from a job like this, I'd look to see whats out there and if anything peaks your interest. I reached the same point of you as a midwife and I'm now earning double for a pretty easy, flexible largely wfh role with less responsibility. Never been happier, I have time and mental strength for my children and I don't regret leaving for a second- was scary at the time. Speak to your GP too if you feel you need support.

I used to work for the criminal justice system and spent many years seeing a very negative side of life. It drained me.
I only work part time now in a low paid job but it suits me. The hours are much better and so is my mental health. When l get home l can switch off. I had my children later on in life so l was lucky l had the choice financially. I love a much simpler but happier way of life now.

Spiderzed - Thank you. That makes sense to me - I spend all of my time even not at work worrying about it in some capacity. I’m really glad to hear things worked out for you and you sound like you have a much better balance now.
Mental strength is another thing - I always feel like I miss my children so much but then always feel so tired and worn out to be what I want myself to be.

BlueRidgeMountains - I think that’s where I’m at too. I’m an ex prison officer and after seeing loads of self harm etc, hearing negative things, it really changes you.
Your life does sound great for you, just being able to keep work at work sounds blissful!

You have a baby and a preschooler. That was exactly the point for me that working in mental health after many years just became too much. It was as if the combination of everything just suddenly became overwhelming.

Please do take some time away, off sick or annual leave as PP suggested. You need some time and space to think what you need to do for you and your family.

I couldn’t resonate with something more if I tried! I always feel like I could cope because my life at home was relatively stress free. Our preschooler is very advanced in terms of communication and what he can do so everything was enjoyable and simple at home.
Put a baby (who’s wonderful and I adore!) in the mix too and it just seems to collapse everything and there isn’t enough in the cup to cope properly with everyone else’s problems and the sheer responsibility of these types of jobs.
I definitely don’t think being at work helps my ‘cloud’ of thinking. I’d love to just take some time off sick but keep worrying about what people will think and the existing staff problem.

If they do ask you to take on more clients, say no and explain its not possible at the moment as you are under a lot of pressure from a variety of sources and the additional responsibility/work would be too much for you.
Get some help off family and friends with home things if you can.

Do you have regular one-to-one meetings with your line manager? If not, ask for one. Workload related stress is serious and they have a duty of care to mitigate it. Regular supervisions are vital imo, as you can't carry all that shit alone.

I used to work in homelessness/homelessness prevention, where all the clients were challenging or vulnerable in some way. If a worker had a caseload with a high proportion of very challenging clients, management would swap clients around within the team, so the most challenging/distressing cases were evenly spread. They also gave a lot of support that enabled staff to have strong boundaries and to compartmentalise so that they didn't take the trauma home.

And don't worry about the colleague insinuating that you're racist. If they crossed a line, management will know where that suggestion is coming from and will treat it accordingly.

Having said all that, some roles that involve dealing with challenging individuals have a lifespan, imo. Very few people stayed in my old job for more than 10 years. It requires so much of your emotional energy that many people got burned out from it. I was lucky to get a secondment to a less emotionally challenging role for two years, which break enabled me to last a bit longer. I now have a much less emotionally (but more intellectually) challenging role with the same employer.

It's important to recognise if/when you reach the point that you're done. If you think you're there, start thinking about what transferable skills you have, what training you might benefit from, and what else you could do.

Good luck.

Are you a civil servant? in which case can you apply for another role within the civil service?

I worked with offenders (with charities that supported them) with mental health issues and other complex needs (drugs/alcohol abuse/homelessness) for a while and I ended up deciding that I will never do frontline work again...

The stories were horrendous and it was a constant stress and I was often concerned about my safety and management were never supportive.

I think it is time for you to find something else and accept that you can't carry on like this.