It's been bothering me re birthday card (not earth-shattering)

[worriedMiL33]

As background, my BiL (husband's brother) and his wife are having issues within their marriage

So, it was my birthday recently. I received a lovely card from them (SiL is usually the one to organise, I know!)

In the card, she also enclosed a letter detailing all their troubles and how awful their situation is (which it is, of course)

AIBU : no issue here, you're being precious 😁
AINBU : she could have sent it separately

Is it just a rambling letter or could it be seen as a cry for help?

That is quite an odd thing to do, do you see them often? I’d be a bit worried about her tbh, is she ok?

It wouldn't bother me that it's in the card or if it was separate, don't see what difference it makes

Are you saying it spoiled your birthday in some way?

I’d assume she sent it undercover and it’s a cry for help. She knew only you would open it.

The thing to do is not to start a thread on here, but ask her to meet for a coffee and find out if there is anything you can do to help.

Very odd.

I'd invite her over and have a chat.

YANBU, but I am guessing she is under a lot of stress to do such an odd thing, so I would just let it go.

This. Have you spoken to the poor woman?

It sounds like someone who is struggling and is desperately needing to talk to someone about their difficulties.

I would phone her to see if she's OK. It sounds like she isn't.

It's odd. Sending a letter at all is odd, I can't remember the last time I wrote anyone a letter.

Is she able to use her phone / email freely or is there a chance BIL is monitoring or restricting her communications in some way? Is she trying to reach out in a "safe" way, since he won't bat an eyelid at her sending you a card as usual, and there'll be no digital evidence for him to uncover?

Abusers (or even just not very nice men) can escalate at the point of a break up.

To answer a few questions

We are not close, see each other 2/3 times a year, we're a few hundred miles apart but I know she has a great support network near her.

It was a bit rambly and it seemed, to me, she just wanted someone to take her side.

Are you asking if she was unreasonable to enclose the letter in your card?

This was my thought as well. It's very clever of her if so and I would reach out. Send a message and say thank you for the card and hope you're okay etc. Just in a casual way where she will hopefully open up if she needs to.

Agree with others that she's asking for help.

It may be because you know the family dynamics but are far enough away in distance to be a safe port of call.

I'd call or text her, say you've read her letter and ask how she is and if you can help. Maybe don't mention it to your DH in case he tells your BIL, just for now.

If you aren't close then it's really odd and seems like she wants to draw you in to pick sides. If that's what you feel, then I would sympathise with her but remain very, very neutral. I've experienced this before, couple who go through a divorce and make everyone choose a side. It always gets ugly and you become a part of it.

Thank you @Aptique this is absolutely it, in a nutshell.

Depends on what the troubles are. I would rather give the benefit of the doubt than assume she is contacting you to pick sides.

Except you asked if you were being "precious" in your OP.

It's reasonable to ask about the contents of the letter. But being miffed that she sent it on your birthday is indeed precious.

Well if any of their worries are financial, maybe she wanted to save the cost of a stamp.

I can see why she wouldn't want to call or email - where her husband might overhear or read what she has said.

I am old though and I quite often get my money's worth out of a stamp by sending a letter not necessarily related to the occasion of the card I am sending. I always reckon that as long as it isn't written on the card itself, it can be considered as a separate communication.

But then what do I know?

You've seen the letter content and don't seem concerned about her welfare, so maybe it is just a chance to have a whinge and get it off her chest rather than a masked cry for help. In which case I'd do nothing and think no more about it, especially since you say she has a good support network close to her.

There's nothing wrong in enclosing it with your birthday card, with the cost of stamps these days it makes sense to not have to buy two where one would do. It appears I'm fairly relaxed about birthdays as I wouldn't give that aspect a second thought.

I think it might niggle at me until I phoned her just to check she is OK though. It's not like she's close enough to just pop out for a coffee and chat