To ask for your advice and to talk me down

[readytoweep]

I work FT in a high pressure role. I’ve made a mistake that is likely to be picked up by an audit type team.

essentially I took passwords off spreadsheets that I manage to allow me to amend them. Only I never put them back on. They’re saved down monthly (too many to start to mess about with now) and I just realised today that it’s probably a stupid stupid mistake to have forgotten to put them back.

The background is that I am under a lot of pressure. I work FT, I have two kids a chronically ill parent with other issues. I’m at breaking point.

honestly tonight I just wondered if it would be better if I wasn’t here. I’m so stressed that I feel like nothing gets the right attention and im a constant fuck up.

I don’t even know why im writing here. I just feel desperate, stressed and at the very end of my tether.

I’ve done nothing tonight but vomit with stress and nerves. I feel like a fool as well because I know deep down this isn’t a real problem but I’m in a spiral and don’t know what to do.

Do you mean you took password protection off your own working spreadsheets?

Take it one step at a time.

Put them back on the ones that are still in current use.

Is your manager approachable? I would tell mine, because she wants to solve problems and avoid drama.

Be.kind to yourself, its very easy to make errors when you're stressed and have other stuff going on.

Hope you can get some rest, tomorrow is another day. You can sort this X

You need to go to your GP and get signed off. Have a meeting with your boss and tell them that you are not fit to work. Im sure you are brilliant at your job but if you left tomorrow then you’d be replaced within the month. I’m not saying that to say you don’t have high worth – you do – I’m saying it because you are more important than your job.

Well firstly your children need you to be here so concentrate on that. You are the most important person in their world.

Can you work from home? Could you take tomorrow off (sick/flexi) and spend the day putting the passwords back on?

Do you have carers to help you with your ill parent? If not can you get some.

Oh my goodness! What a state you’ve got yourself into! Take a breath please. Are you sure you can’t put the passwords back. What makes you panic? Do you think there could have been a breach whilst they weren’t on? Or is it that you’ll be found out for not putting them back?
Just hold your hands up and tell someone. In this day and age, it’s hard to fire someone and if you’re normally a good employee, a mistake is easily forgiven. But own up, don’t let them come to you. I tell all my team, even if they suddenly realise something in the middle of the night, text my work phone and then they’ve done it and we can sort it in the morning. Everything will look better with a cup of tea in daylight. Please don’t torture yourself like this. And by the way - It’s better if you ARE here! Lots of love. x

“I feel like a fool as well because I know deep down this isn’t a real problem”

So hang on to this. No-one’s going to die because you haven’t put on some passwords. You are getting this situation totally out of proportion. You have two children and an ailing parent - they most certainly need you. You’ve managed to work yourself up into a state, and you need to work your way down out of it. What’s the absolute worst that can happen? You’ve said it’s not a real problem, so I’m not thinking you’re going to lose your job. I’d concentrate on the ordinary stuff like making sure you and the kids have what they need for tomorrow, then make yourself a cup of tea and take it to bed. You won’t achieve anything by sitting around stressing - so don’t. Easier said than dine, I know, but just hang in to the things that are important - like your family. A month hence, you’ll have forgotten all about the passwords debacle.

other people have access to them. Without giving too much away it’s not a legal doc or anything but it is written into a procedure that the one particular sheet (replicated throughout the various spreadsheets) should be password protected as should the formula etc.

it was (and is a nightmare) to have them protected but it’s also my mistake for taking it off and not putting it back on and I’m terrified audit will eat me alive (and I’ll be letting my boss etc down)

I just feel ill about it and I’m terrified.

Your it dept will be able to track any changes which have been made - just come clean and let them investigate if they need to.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

first - look after yourself
can you take a sick day?
can you think of one nice thing to look forward to tomorrow?
you are more important than any job. Your kids know that.
today is an awful day but soon there will be a n ok day again. And then a good one

next - the work issue
can you rectify the mistake? Even if it is still discovered, can you solve the issue now so it’s no longer causing a problem?
if not, who does the problem impact and how seriously? Write this down and explain it to your line manager

your company should have processes in place to manage this lind of risk. If there are none yet then you can help write them now
we all make mistakes. It’s going to be ok

next - your parent
do you have anyone supporting you with care? It is easy to feel like you should do everything for an ill parent, but you cant
im sure your parent loves you and doesn’t want you to suffer
for you to care for your parent sustainably you need to be able to take regular breaks and look after yourself

for right now - deep breaths, some relaxing music, try to sleep. You can get through this.

Regarding the passwords, this is exactly what audits are for picking up. The best thing to do is listen to what they say and take their advice onboard. Your company will respect you if you own your mistake and learn from it. If it leads to disciplinary action it may only be a letter of concern or first written warning. Own it and accept it humbly. You obviously took passwords off for ease day-to-day. Maybe ask your manager if it would be possible to get the whole folder they are in saved on a restricted drive or folder with access by only select, necessary individuals. Like a finance or HR drive usually are in a company, that way if you accidentally make the mistake again the data is safe. At least it shows you are taking the mistake seriously and being collaborative in fixing/minimising human error happening again.
Try not to work yourself up to much. Take ownership and you will probably find it won’t be as bad as you think.

Please stop now. My husband was an auditor. They see mistakes. They make mistakes.
Speak up on here, try to sleep and speak about this at work tomorrow.
It’s far less important than you are.

Just fix it tomorrow

It will be OK, it really will. It just seems the worst possible thing right now because its the middle of the night and you are so stressed and have so much to deal with.

Resolve to speak to someone at work tomorrow, your manager or a kind colleague and start on the path to sorting it. If you were my colleague I would want to help you and support you. It's just an error, an omission in a process. It's fixable.

Speak to someone and then take some time out, you sound very worn down and unwell. I agree with PP to speak to your GP. Be kind to yourself.

How junior / senior are you?

If one of my team came to me and was very honest, not ass covering "Emma, I think I've really effed up" I would have way more respect for them and appreciate their honesty. Everyone makes mistakes, it's how you handle them / yourself that makes a difference.

If the buck stops with you then you might want to get directly in front of audit (same principle).

Ultimately no one has / will die, no one will suffer as a result of your actions (health / pain wise) and it doesn't sound like there's a financial loss. This sounds recoverable to me.

You comment about thinking it would be better if you weren't here concerns me.

Forget work for a minute. Are you actually ok or do you need help?

No job is worth the stress. People are human and errors happen. There's nothing in your post that's bad enough to ve this stressed. It will be ok.

I agree with others who have said 'own your mistake'. It feels so much worse right at this minute, because you're not there to do anything about fixing it, so it all feels out of your control. However, go in tomorrow, explain to your line manager that you're really worried, that you've made a huge cock up, and ask for their advice about the best way to put things right.

I also think you would benefit from taking some sick leave based on stress, as it's clear that things are all getting too much for you right now, and under this sort of circumstance, we are all vulnerable to making mistakes.

Most important of all though, remember that if having left work today, you were to never go back to your job, the world wouldn't come to an end. However, if you were to harm yourself, the bottom of the world would drop out for your kids and your parent, and that's the last thing any mother wants.

Seriously OP, this will all be forgotten far sooner than you can imagine right at this minute, so stop fretting and try and get some rest. Once you've had the opportunity to put things right tomorrow, everything will soon get back to normal, and you'll wonder why you got in such a tizzy about it all.

No job is worth this amount of stress and self loathing. It's just a job.
For context I once made a series of massive mistakes in a day that resulted in millions of pounds being sent to the wrong accounts. It took a huge effort from a big group of people to sort it out. It was a nightmare. I can't tell you the stomach dropping sickness I felt when I realised. It was huge.
It came from me taking on too much work and being under too much pressure. It blew over though. You will be fine. Nothing major will happen because of your oversight. Your health and sanity is more important than this. Don't do it to yourself 💐

You should be able to roll the spreadsheet back, especially if its on the cloud.

Check out something along the lines of "File --> Version History" to restore those password protected fields and otherwise, look at the Version History to see if any colleagues changed any data there.

After that, you should sleep well, assured in understanding and correcting any changes made there.

Best of luck to you.