How do you feel about your ex if you have primary school aged children?

[RulersPencilsCrayons]

So for context we are separated 3plus years, he won’t agree to a divorcee. My solicitor said he should get legal advice when I initiated legal proceedings but he refused so we have to wait 5 years I think.

Because the children are relatively young, we have to see a lot of each other.

But he really irritates the hell out of me. He winds the children up, not unkindly but he creates chaos and I suppose tries to be ‘fun dad’ still and then leaves me to out them to bed when they are wired.

He has the most irritating habit of loud ‘comedy shouting’ think, dads army style or some mothers do have em.

He has totally destroyed my relationship with my kids because he’s been so lax, I’ve had to step up and be the ‘strict parent’

He’s here now (I think it’s too late for primary kids to be not in bed) and I’ll have to tell him to go home. Again making me look like I’m not fun.

what do other people do?

It’s very awkward as we both work in the same place so I see a lot of him.

How do other people feel about seeing their exes if they still have a lot of contact because if kids?

You see a lot of your ex because it sounds like contact is at your house.
When I split from my ex we rarely saw each other. I had to look out for his car arriving but the kids walked to his car, he helped them in, then drove them away. When he dropped them off they got out of the car, said goodbye then walked up the garden path themselves, rang the doorbell and I let them in. They waved to their dad as he drove past.

There’s something called no fault divorce now which means you don’t have to wait 5 years

I agree that 9pm on a school night is too late. Depending on what time they need to be up and how young they are, they should have been fast asleep a long time ago. If he wants to play Disney dad then he needs to do that at his house and not yours. It’s only by having to deal with grumpy kids in the morning that he’ll understand why strict bedtimes are necessary.

I understand it’s not seen as a good thing as being the ‘strict one’ but that’s the role I took with my kids and my ex was the opposite.

I have always explained to the kids why I am saying what I am saying and been honest with them. It’s not a bad thing to be the strick one and my kids appreciate the openness and respect me for it.

make it work for you and them and they will see that you are not really strict but providing sound advice and parental guidance

Is he at your house seeing the children? If he is, put a stop to that straight away.

He doesn't get to dictate what routine you follow in your house leaving you looking like the bad one for making them go to bed.

what do other people do?

Not have him at my house unless absolutely necessary for starters. The rare occasions he is (mainly birthdays) he’s a pain in the backside, either lax or goes into Sargent mode. I can’t relax when he’s around and I spent a fortune getting a place to not be around that.

My kids talk to their dad on FaceTime most nights for 10 mins. I drop them off on his time, pick them up the next day and generally leave it at that unless it’s an emergency. They usually come home very overstimulated and that’s hard enough work to decompress without trying to wrestle him out of my house as well. If he can’t have them at his place then could there be a contact arrangement elsewhere?