People are less spontaneous now than they used to be

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I was born in the 80s, grew up in 90s and this is something I've just realised. People seemed to have much more time back then than they do now. Previously if you wanted to chat to someone, you'd give them a call on the landline, no scheduled "are you free next week for a call".
People would pop around and 9/10 someone would be in to offer a cuppa and a chat. Even meeting up, it was a case of "shall we meet in town at 12 on Saturday?" Now it's hard arranging to meet friends with a month's notice as everyone seems to be busy

What happened? I know I'm probably looking back on the 90s with misty eyes, but things just seemed a lot more..social

I meant in general rather than just myself. I was talking about my parents, relatives and friends parents from experience

Thinking about my parents and their generation, loads of the women didn’t work or worked part time in not terribly stressful jobs. This means they did the house stuff during the week and weren’t trying to do it all every evening/through the weekend, leaving more time for both of them. The dads all retired in their 50s as well and most of my friends had both their parents coming in days out with them with their babies or helping with some childcare. Well still both we working till we are 67 to get any sort of pension!

I agree with this so much, and thinking the same the other day. I don't understand what has gone wrong!

I prefer scheduling and planning. No wasted journeys and less queuing time, and no missing calls or feeling you have to stay at home in case you might miss a call. Can fit in more activities because you know when they are going to happen. We tend to have all our weekend activities scheduled months in advance (eg to get good theatre seats or time slots for an exhibition). Birthday parties have a STD sent at least six weeks ahead. I like that I know when things are booked so I can plan other things around them, plan shopping for gifts and outfits etc. Hate it when people try to suggest meet ups at the last minute, it feels a bit insulting to think that I'd otherwise be sitting at home doing nothing.

My late Grandparents used to meet friends in the pub every Friday. There was no planning and no expectation. Just if you're free, we'll be in the pub at 7, then whoever was around would turn up, if you weren't free that was also fine. The pub, time and day of the week didn't change. It was just a case of turning up and there would always be someone you knew there.

But in the 80s and 90s, the majority of people didn't have a mobile phone, so if you called them you'd be calling on the landline, and they either answered, because they were at home, or they were out, so you left a message. These days, if you call someone it'll be on their mobile, so they could be literally anywhere, and it's not always a convenient time/place to chat. You don't have to prebook a call weeks in advance, but texting someone "are you free to chat?" is just good manners.

Go to your local Pub of a Saturday night and you will find that people are still going out without much warning.

I think it is a northern cultural thing. I have no idea what happened but it is very often that friends of other cultures just text “what you are up to? Let go for a coffee before school pick up!” and we just go, while with the locals the most likely answer would be “let’s go! can you do Friday next week?” even when they have hardly anything special planned for many days. No idea why social conventions require such advance notice.

Think it depends where you are. Yesterday I had a text inviting DD2 to a birthday party and DH booked DD1s climbing lesson... both for this Saturday. I've never scheduled a phone call, unless its a group one. I've never lived close enough to family to just drop in... thats a personal thing not a general one. My friend lives near her parents and they drop in on each other!

Booking activities like swimming... its better than turning up and queuing for hours or going home

By northern I mean Northern Europe not north of England 😁

I don’t recognise most of the OP’s situation. Between local friends, we often text “fancy a coffee?” of a morning and meet up.

When the DC were small, yes, there was a lot of juggling the activities of the three of them around family life so we weren’t as able to be flexible, but now we are.

Teen DD often makes arrangements on the fly.

I think people are just busier than thirty / forty years ago, particularly women.
All my friends work, weekends are busy with kids activities catching up with household tasks not done during the week. Although I can't currently work, the difference at being at home all day and doing a few gentle chores, means we have more time at weekends...it's great, and if we could afford it, I'd love to stop working! But normally there just isn't the time / money or energy for catching up with people. Halfterm is already booked up, and I'll be back to full time work straight after half term.
Tbh when I'm working I just don't have time, energy or the financial resources to do anything spontaneous, the rare occasion everything's been done in the home, I just want to sit and have some quality time with my kids, not jump in the car and rush off somewhere.

Mobile phones and texting
Makes it easier to cancel things/change plans/less likely that you'll just pop by

It still happens IME. The only difference is in how we communicate it. I'm in my sixties - many times I've put up a message on 'crappy social media' asking is anyone up to meet at the pub in an hour and ended up having an impromptu session with friends. Similarly I have a group of people I know I can text saying "Are you free for lunch/coffee/pizza/yoga/drinks/movie later' and know there is good chance the answer will be yes. Maybe the fact that a lot of us are now retired makes this easier?

Being old I remember the times when many people didn't even have a landline so would turn up at someone's house on spec. It wasn't great tbh. You might have a wasted journey if they were out. The house might be in a mess, you might have been looking forward to a quiet night in. The worst times were when relations or acquaintances turned up when my parents were out (probably inconveniencing some other household ) and my siblings and I would have to sit making small talk and serving tea and biscuits to someone who was undoubtedly as bored by us as we were by them.

I think this is a really important point - I grew up in the 80s/ 90s, and most of the mums I knew either didn’t work or worked part-time. My mum worked a few mornings a week in a cleaning job, so it was hard work but not stressful. She had the afternoons to keep up with housework, which meant her weekends were mostly free. Both sets of grandparents were nearby to help out/ babysit. Parents didn’t seem to be as involved in school/ activities/ play dates as they are now.

In contrast, I work five days a week and while I try to do a few bits of housework in the evenings, I tend to have to catch up at the weekends (and this is with a DH who does his share). DD has two activities at the weekend (in part because we both work so after school activities aren’t possible for half the week), so that takes up time. Parents are expected to be more involved at school etc. We don’t have any family nearby (and because we were older parents, our parents were older grandparents and have health issues or have passed away).

I also think there’s more to do - more tv to watch, new things like podcasts and social media, new/ more available leisure activities, and the expectation/ pressure (partly social media but not just that) that you will do more with your weekends. I feel that women are expected to be devoted mothers and great wives and have a busy social life and have a successful career and look great. It all creates pressure to do ‘stuff’ and be busy all the time, and even if you’re aware of these impossible expectations, it’s hard to resist the pressure.

I think it’s down to people packing in as much as they can into their lives and living life to the full.

I absolutely loathe having nothing to do on a Saturday or Sunday, even though work can be pretty full on Mon-Fri. I like to plan things in advance so that I can make the most of the weekends, bank holidays and every day of annual leave. This makes it harder to be spontaneous.

There are a lot more activities to do and places to visit, and we are more aware of them (social media). Life is busier now, definitely, but I absolutely prefer it this way.

We had more time because there weren't so many people. I'm in rural Essex, and have lived in the same area all my life. My earliest clear memories are of the late 1980's. So many fields and open spaces have disappeared over the last 40 years. My local woods have been hacked down to make way for a new housing estate. And at the other end of the village a massive housing estate has been built that is more like a mini town. Everywhere you go you see disgusting rabbit hutch new builds jammed on top of one another. My local town is a totally different place. I believe the population has nearly doubled. The traffic is now so bad I feel like a prisoner. I gave up yoga, for example, because it took me too long to drive there.

When you jam too many people into one area, it has a psychological effect. People feel squeezed and pressured and rushed. And everything become more difficult – driving, parking, walking the dog, etc. If you could jump in a time machine and visit your home town in, say, 1960, the first things that would strike you would be the space, the fields, the peace, and the slower pace of life. In 1960, there were three billion human beings on Earth. Today, there are eight billion and we're heading for ten.

@mitogoshi sounds lovely. Do you mind if I ask where you live?

I'd say a big change is that, when I was a kids, we were all just out in the street playing. But now people are too afraid to let their kids out so we all have lots of organised clubs and activities instead. So people are often busier with this at weekends.
When it comes to communication, I think that is because of mobile phones. If you call someone on a landline and they are out and busy they aren't there to answer. Whereas with a mobile you could be anywhere. And messaging is so easy you often don't need to call.
I find post covid it is generally hard to be more spontaneous as everything seems to need booking. It's annoying as I'm not always sure what time I can get somewhere. I'd much rather be able to just turn up.

I said similar about there usually being a parent (usually a mum) at home.

I’d also add that many people lived closer to each other. My parents and DH’s parents see friends and family all the time because they’ve lived in the same area for most of their lives. There were more opportunities there for them that by time we grew up there were little for me or for DH so we moved as teens.
I saw my own grandparents several times a week because both sets lived 5 minutes down the road from each other and were a 20 min drive from our home. My mum would drive us to her parents, have dinner there and my dad would come by from seeing some friends after work or already at his parents and take us to his parents and we would be there for a bit and be home by 8:30-9 pm for bed.

DH and I could move closer to his parents but it wouldn’t be in our best interests or our children. Our oldest is autistic and there is only one SEN school in their area and it may not meet his needs and/or like many would have a waiting list. Where we are there are four and he goes to one and does half-terms activities in the school nearest to us which we are on a waiting list for and through one from his school.

I don’t mind a bit of spontaneity but to be honest, I don’t have the energy for it with a 3 mo who is still learning to settle with DH and making sure our other two have time with me and keeping on top of their schooling and often rather use the energy I have left for some solo self-care than meeting up with others.

Totally agree with what you've posted. People used to also have parties, dinner parties, people around all the time. People are generally more insular nowadays.

I'll have to think about that and get back to you.

Wow, how old are you that dads were retiring in their 50s??? My late DF retired when he was able to claim national superannuation at 65. I'm not in the UK, but seriously doubt super was available to men in their 50s in recent times?

My late DM worked, and did housework at the weekend, but still had time to visit friends. No, she didn't have a stressful job, but surely there are still lots of women without stressful jobs - not everyone wants a career.

However, what my parents, nor I, have done is subscribe to the manic over-washing, over-cleaning, can't have anything messy for more than five minutes sort of life than many MNers seem to have (and which I haven't encountered in real life).

My sister and I live 3 mins apart - we never pre arrange - knock on door - either in or out - great !!

If you rang back then and they were busy or out they just didn’t pick up. You wouldn’t think anything about it. Now, they’ll pick up and tell you they’re busy or out. So it’s more obvious.

We've also discussed similar about travel in the last 30 years. It's become increasingly difficult to have any spontaneity - everywhere now needs tickets pre booking or reservations made. You can't just explore many places unless you've strictly planned where you need to be, what you're going to eat. Exhausting!