To ask what people who’ve been very ‘controlled’ or protected in their teen years turn out like?

[Ohoohoh]

When I think of my own teenage years I was very independent, largely because both my parents had very demanding jobs which meant they couldn’t be around as much. I can honestly say this did me a lot of good and taught me a lot about the world. I think the ages of 14-17ish are very formative and definitely for me shaped who I am today. By contrast, I know a lot of parents today are far more protective of teenagers and have far more direct ‘control’ (for lack of a better word) over their lives. AIBU to ask how this has turned out when these teens become adults in either your own dc, friends dc or yourself?

I don’t know exactly what you mean- there are different ways of being sheltered. For example, my best friend grew up free range in the countryside. She is extremely competent and independent but not streetwise and a bit fearful in a city at night for example. I grew up in a town, parents quite strict and involved. I was always more streetwise than her but definitely less independent minded and less skilled physically (she can fix things!)

I'm a great liar. I don't do it much though, and I am thankful that I no longer need to.

Admittedly I was a teenager in the early 1990s when there was much less helicopter parenting anyway, but I do remember that when I went to university you could tell which of the new students had over-protective or overly controlling parents. Sometimes it came out in the form of naivety or difficulty coping with some very basic stuff. Other times it came out in the form of a colossal sense of entitlement, eg expecting to be looked after and supported to a ridiculous level because they'd never really done anything for themselves and were used to being protected from anything difficult. And of course there are always some kids who have very strict parents who just suddenly go absolutely wild the moment they're allowed some freedom.

I was very independent as a teen, my parents were often out working. I wasnt alone. I have 4 siblings. I dont actually think so much independence did me any good, as a girl. I had no money sense, no life sense, got into reckless situations with boys; my mum was a busy woman she didnt explain a single thing about life, knowing your worth, predatory adults and boys etc. I thought I knew it all, tho. But I didn't. I mean I had a lot of fun but without boundaries its not all its cracked up to be. I don't see being independent at a young age as a badge of honour

I had a friend at school who couldnt move without parents' say so. They were very academic and wanted her to be the same. She had to study all the time, couldn't enjoy being young. By the time we left school her mental health was shot to pieces. No academic career for her. Her parents ruined her life. She still crosses my mind occasionally and I hope she recovered and got away from them.

From experience, the Yong adult I know who has been heavily sheltered from life is a compulsive liar, secretive so she can try and fit in and she's incredibly lazy because she doesn't have to put effort into anything as it's all for her in case she messes up or the big world and everything in it hurts her.
It's damaged her beyond belief because the secrets she was keeping turned out to be very distressing and unsafe and now she's locked down further and has limited relationships with anyone bar one parent.

Usually the ones that I knew who grew up in very controlling environments “rebelled” against most things that their parents held as important. Whether or not that had direct implications on their personal lives depended on how far they went to get away from the control.

My experience from the 90s. I was raised by parents who worked on a trust basis you don't take the X then we will let you have your fun, within reason.

One very good friend wasn't allowed outside her garden gate at 17 on school nights. Sh wasn't allowed to discos cinema etc.

i went on to work full-time study part time and had gig jobs at weekends to fund travel. She went off the rails at 18 and never really got it back on track.

I believe you need to make small mistakes as a teen on the way to being an adult.

This is such an interesting question mainly because 'typical' parenting has changed so much! I was a teenager in the late '80s and my very loving parents weren't the slightest bit controlling - they had no idea where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, what I ate, what I spent my money on, how much homework I was doing etc... And they didn't really care as long as I was happy/healthy and stuck my head round the door now and again.

I now have teenagers of my own and I know all of the above about them, pretty much all of the time. I don't know if that makes me controlling or just more engaged but my DCs are definitely less independent than I was. They are probably safer though!

Like most things hard to generalise.

I know one person who was sheltered, went to uni and went on an absolute bender for 3 years. But then settled down. I can imagine some do this and never come out of it.

Then I know others who were sheltered who just carried that on in their lifestyle.

It's hard to predict how people will turn out, although the idea of introducing your kids gently to adulthood over the teenage years feels like the most sensible approach to me. It's probably a lot safer for your kids first experience of alcohol to be chucking up after a couple of cans of cider round their mates house at 16 rather than passing out outside a nightclub at 18.

I have always tried to give ds plenty of independence. He has grown up streetwise from socialising in the neighbouring cities plus going to a large school as well as lots of conversations with me about the ways of the world.

Those who have been more pampered have taken ages to get going in the world of work.

By the time ds was just past 18 he was working in a 40 hours a week job and building up savings. He isn't into degrees but his work ethic is brill.

I really don't think it helps to throw money at them for years and let them sit about at home. One of his friends is doing a degree but only does a 4 hour a week part time job alongside!

I've been wondering this. I know a woman who has two daughters aged 15 and 13. She's a very attentive and devoted mother but my God, does she mollycoddle them! She drives them to school and back, she won't leave them alone in the house for even 5 minutes (despite one being 15!), they're certainly not allowed to go shopping with their friends or anything. She sends them to bed really early and sits and does their homework with them. Both girls are intelligent and capable but she treats them like babies.
I've been wondering how they'll develop, how on earth they'll cope in the real world. I'm wondering if they just won't develop the confidence to be independent and will stay at home forever. I think my friend would love this. It concerns me when parents don't give their children the space to grow and develop confidence.

As PP said, I learnt to lie well as I we weren't given much freedom at home. I spent a lot of time visiting my "nice" Grammar school friends where we got up to all sorts. I have tried to be more hands off with dd.

I think the right balance is being given plenty of responsibility, but also having parents who are interested in your life. Freedom without responsibility and parents who don’t care what you do doesn’t teach you much imo.

A lot can also depend on the personality of the child. I had strict parents, I was a naturally conforming child and respected the boundaries. I wasn't allowed go out drinking at 15/16 and I didn't. I went to uni at 18, enjoyed the freedom a lot but didn't go mad.
A friend had slightly stricter parents, she was the type to climb out windows to go drinking and was always telling them she was somewhere different to where she actually was. We've lost touch now but I think she turned into a relatively normal adult.
I think generally though that over-strictness or control will lead to boundaries being broken and lies being told as kids will want to do what they want to do.
I worry about my teens and what they are doing but I try really hard to keep the conversation flowing so that they could tell me if something serious was wrong.
They think we are really strict parents (and I am surprised sometimes what their friends are allowed do!!) but we're really not that strict - I do worry though!

This is fascinating I'm definitely stunted and still very immature struggle to make decisions, am lazy, lie. My mother treated me like a primary school child as a teenager. My sister still treats me like a child. I try to give my children as much independence as possible

Three girls that I knew as teenager who had very controlling parents ended up as teenage mothers. They often weren't allowed out late, to go to parties, helicopter parents who needed to know where they were at all times. It does make me wonder if rather than discussing safe sex, they ignored the subject altogether or advised abstinence only.

Well I moved out at 18 and never went back. I made many bad decisions, relationships, financial, health, career wise etc. But they were my mistakes to make, and not dictated by someone else.

I agree with PP that it’s hard to generalise because “sheltered” takes many forms. My parents were pretty strict in terms of school work, not drinking and smoking etc. so not a huge amount of rope to hang myself there, but at the same time I had a lot of personal independence in terms of going out and about by myself on my bike and had my own money from my PT jobs etc. so went into town with friends etc.

I think parents now are more relaxed about things like schoolwork, sex and drinking etc but they also smooth the path for their dc a lot more and get involved in things like friendship issues/ uni applications which my parents just didn’t get involved with.

I didn't do anything dramatic and nothing awful happened but it took me longer to find my place in life than my peers. I was very naive and Young for my age. I went to uni and got my degree but I was in minimum wage jobs until my mid-twenties because I had no idea who I was, or what I wanted, having had it all handed to me until I was 18. After that I've gone on to do just as well as others. This was less usual I the 80s and 90s but I see it reflected a lot more with the younger generation, attitudes to careers and relationships and settling down, and the need for parental support into adulthood.

Similar to @Darkenergy above, I certainly didn't rebel or tell lies as many posters suggest (although no doubt that does happen). I have a decent job, sensible with money, nice relationships with people, but even as an adult I continued to find it hard to make decisions for myself, stand up to people, and worry a lot about doing the wrong thing or making mistakes. I've still never smoked or barely drink for example and I'm fairly sure this is because of the way I was brought up (I would never have dared do it as a teenager).