Big argument with DP- was I in the wrong?

[Applesandpears332]

my DP and I were having a normal chat about a friend’s divorce.
we disagreed about whether his friend was being unreasonable. All fine so far- civilised discussion.

He then brought up my current divorce which is on going ( broke up with exH 3 years ago, but taking forever). It’s a constant source of stress and worry for me, so i immediately felt sick. I said please don’t bring it up- don’t want to talk about it.

he rolled his eyes, and made out I was being ridiculous. I got annoyed at this because he was dismissive of my feelings, so I admit I was short with him ( but not shouting or yelling at this point ). He then starts saying I’m completely over reacting, and keeps going on about it. I get more annoyed and say stop talking about it, as it’s triggering. He then starts saying I’m mad and completely over the top.

it ended up being a blazing row and I did shout at him because he just wouldn’t stop. I just wanted him to stop talking about it, and to be considerate of my feelings. He is now saying I acted like a crazy woman ( I really wasn’t) because I raised my voice.

he says AIBU because I lost my temper at him, and didn’t need to shout at him. I think he is BU because he never accepts that sometimes he contributes to an argument starting.

If he’d just said ‘oh sorry’ and moved on with the conversation, it would’ve been fine. But he is so sensitive to any criticism.

His favourite line is ‘oh, so it’s all my fault is it?’ If I try to discuss an issue we’ve argued over and try to explain my viewpoint. He doesn’t seem to get that sometimes we’ll see things differently. I’ll often say that I can see where he’s coming from about stuff, so I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong.

we don’t argue often, but the few times we have, I’m the one who’s expected to apologise. He has never said sorry - even when most of our disagreements have come from different priorities/ misunderstandings.

who is in the wrong here? ( I suspect it’s both of us.) he wants me to apologise because I lost my temper and so I’m completely in the wrong.

Thanks for reading this far.

What did he bring up about your divorce? I mean I suspect he is being unreasonable because if you don't want to talk about it then that should really be the end of it. But could he be feeling like you're refusing to let him in each time he tries to speak to you, and then boom its blew up?

Everyone loses their temper or walks away when their feelings are repeatedly dismissed.

People who say 'oh so it's all my fault is it' are manipulative.

Why’s your divorce taking so long and what about it did he bring up? Is he frustrated because he thinks you could speed it up a bit?

Why can't he bring up your divorce? I don't think it's necessarily very healthy to have this big looming "thing" in the background of your relationship that can never be brought up or talked about.

She told him politely that she didn't want to talk about it, he should have left it there not continued to push, call her mad and crazy and lost his temper. From the rest of what OP has written, it sounds like he's a verbally abusive bully

We do talk about my divorce- and he’s on the whole very supportive.

my ex is very abusive and has made it a very stressful situation. He has recently been very difficult about our kids - I just wanted a weekend of not thinking about it.

Neither of us want to get married so the divorce won’t really affect our relationship ( apart from me being less stressed)

I married a man like your DP and believe me it doesn't get any better. He is a massive hypocrite, never apologises and everything is my fault if I react to his issues. I am projecting massively here but just dump him and concentrate on finalizing the divorce and maybe try the freedom program as it sounds like you are attracted to manipulative men.

This is my fear. He just can’t see that in most arguments - both sides can have a point.

i find it really worrying that he can’t ever compromise. Having come out of an abusive relationship, I’m really cautious about being stonewalled again.

it makes me doubt myself. I don’t think I’m expecting too much to expect my partner to apologise now and again

I agree he shouldn't have lost his temper.

But I do think it's important to be able to talk about stuff that matters to both parties - you can't just say "I refuse to talk about that" and expect it to just go away.

Anyway, OP has clarified that they do talk about it regularly so it doesn't really matter, lol.

But it's not the case that she was refusing to discuss her divorce, which affects them both. She just didn't want it brought up as a sidebar/weapon in the conversation about his friend's divorce.

He felt criticised by her upset, and went on the attack. This is the behaviour that needs addressing.

Gaslighting
It wasn't my fault... yes it was. He started to talk about the divorce, you asked him to stop, he didn't
You ended up upset, anxious and triggered.

Who's fault?? 🚩

I don’t think he’s the right person for you, move on. Sensitive subjects are for you to bring up if you want to talk about them, not him.

I don't see that it was brought up as a weapon, it reads (to me) that they were talking about x's divorce and so OP's divorce came up as a related topic.

Anyway, as I said, I agree his behaviour was poor but it wasn't clear in the OP whether they ever discussed the divorce - she's clarified now.

You have swapped one abusive arsehole for another type of abusive arsehole.

Tbh it all just sounds like too much hard work.

It really (imo) shouldn't be this difficult.

He rolls his eyes, says that you are ridiculous & overreacting.

Why would you be with someone who can treat you like that?

He doesn't sound like much of an improvement upon the last one.

You don't have to put up with it.

It doesn’t sound like a great relationship, is it too soon perhaps? Would some counselling maybe help you to decide if this might be another unhealthy relationship- just unhealthy in a different way? Good luck!

@NeverDropYourMooncup @Peachy2005 i think you are right.

He is usually a lovely bloke, caring, good laugh and we get on well. But sometimes is just so inherently selfish that he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. ( very set in his ways)

he is very different from my ex, but as pps have said, I may be swapping one arsehole for another.

I thought I was ready for a relationship( ditched ex as soon as he became abusive, so didn’t think I was attracted to dickheads)

but I realise that the whole experience has made me doubt myself more - kind of like ‘lightning doesn’t strike twice’ and maybe I am the crazy one.

I see NAMALT posted on here a lot, but I really feel sometimes that they ARE all like that! Urgh…back to the drawing board.

My DH has an ex who is a complete nightmare. She was abusive in their relationship and continues to be difficult. Sometimes when something happens he goes on a rant about her, gets stuff off his chest. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk about it and will say he's fed up of her being a topic on conversation in the house. I always respect his feelings on the matter. Although her behaviour does affect my life, ultimately he is the one who has to deal with things directly and he's the one with trauma from the relationship. I'd never keep on at him if he didn't want to discuss it.

Similarly if I say to him "can we not talk about this right now" he respects that and we change the subject. I know some discussions can't be put off but I don't understand why someone would push to discuss something that was upsetting to their partner if not necessary.

He is s in the wrong. You asked him to stop and he didn’t.

i would not be apologising and would insist he does

Tbh - and I know we only have a snapshot, and from your perspective, to go by - but i think he's not right for you. He seems argumentative, uncompromising and unwilling to accept any responsibility