Visiting parents in home country

[Ladyinpink11]

I will try and keep this brief. I am originally from a different country, have lived in the UK many years, my parents are still both in my home country. The plan was originally to move back but is looking less and less likely due to a number of reasons. I try and visit as often as I can- usually ever 2 months, but now every approx. 3 months, so they can see their grandchild. They come over about once a year. We skype every morning at breakfast. Still I have the feeling sometimes that it is never enough and feel guilty that I am not living nearer them. But then I think they could visit more often too! Do you think visiting every 3 months (for about 2 weeks each time) is good enough on my part?

Well, what did you think? Is it enough, not enought, to much for you? Do you feel guilty because they make you feel guilty or is it just how you are?

You do you. If you'd look to see them more offer to pay for their visits or visit more often. If you want less go less and reduce the calls. Its individual. Some want to go monthly, some annually, some never. There is no right amount

Honestly you are visiting them a lot

How is this sustainable with your relationship with your partner, all of you having time for friends, or just general downtime?

My DM had me before cheap flights and the internet. She saw her parents once a year and phoned once a week - as international calls are expensive.

Skyping everyday is massively intrusive. I love my DM and we live in the same country but a phone call twice a week is plenty.

You need to give up the guilt and concentrate on making your and your DC's life.

A lot of your finances must be spent on these arrangements.. Do they fully cater for your visits?

@Mitsky , that's so nice to that that you still had a great relationship with your grandparents. I hope that for my little one too!

@Windymcwindyson , yes they fully cater, cook amazing meals when we're there and take care of little one whenever we want a break or have a date

@AnnaMagnani you're right, I need to give up the guilt..we weren't always speaking daily but that's something that started when lockdown started. I think as someone else also suggested I'll try and cut down on the daily skyping as a start

I don't visit at all and neither I have ever invited them. I tried to speak to them online but after so many years and seeing that is all about them and my brother's family, I do not have any words coming out of me

I'd also add @Ladyinpink11 that I loved my foreign GM far far more than the British one who I saw more often.

Seeing my foreign GM - was special as it wasn't v often, she spoiled me rotten as it wasn't v often, it was exciting as it was always our holiday, she was really interested in me, she made me loads of handmade clothes....

Relationships are not necessarily about how often you see someone.

@AnnaMagnani Thanks:-) and very true, it often makes it very special that way round!

@Whoopaday , thanks for your reply! Can I ask, what do you mean by "it's painful to watch the kids"?

I think you’re going very regularly and much more so than many. I live away from my family and I’m the one who does 99% of the visiting.

That sounds loads! There would be lots of people that would be happy to be able to see family a fraction of that often. It takes the best part of 2 days and lots if money for us to get home so we can only visit every couple of years. They may come here in between that and we sometimes try to meet up half-way but haven’t done that yet post-baby. I do feel sad sometimes as my daughter is the only grandchild but for now home and jobs are here. We try to Skype once a week.

How far is your home country? If it’s France then you could reduce a bit but I would still go often but if it’s further afield or long haul, that’s madness. Also as the child grows it’s unsustainable. The cost of it must also be really high (even if it’s somewhere like France).

the daily skype is too much.

and the road goes both ways, as pp said.

I come from a long haul country and before going NC, I went every year for 2 or 3 weeks weeks and that meant I could never go anywhere else as that was most of my my leave and disposable money gone. Wish I hadn’t done that but that’s my relationship with my family, you sound like you have a good relationship with yours. But still, you’d want to get to see other places, and so would your child?

That's a lot of visiting. Unless it's really cheap and something like UK to France/Spain/Ireland, not long haul, then I think that's far more visiting than is reasonable.

I live ten minutes from my mum, we speak maybe twice a week and she collects the kids from school once a week.

My sister is in Australia and they speak every day, that is more to do with sisters homesickness though.

FIL live abroad and he comes here 2/3 times a year. We go there every other year. He has a great relationship with my kids.

@SunshineAndRainbowsToday , it's in Europe, so not long haul. Agreed, any further than that and it would be a bit much

@idontlikealdi It's funny isn't it- I think absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder! Sounds like you have a very good and balanced set up with your mum.

Watching kids being forced to FaceTime their grandparents every day and how disinterested they are. But then watching them FaceTime someone they only talk to every now and again is completely different. No one needs to do a daily phonecall or FaceTime and for children it loses the magic really quickly and becomes a chore and affects they way they view the people talking.

I had grandparents living in another country, probably only spoke to them on the phone rarely, not even once a month. But when i saw them they were so full of love they were my favourite and I didn’t feel closer to the grandparents I saw daily.