how did your siblings & in laws go about sorting out the family home.

[TreeVase]

My PIL set great store by their home and it's where my DH and his brother & sister grew up.
Each child has two children, so six GC in total.

Every single item, spoon, picture, chair is sentimental in someway to someone.

No one sibling is closer than another, some GC will shout a little louder. The other DIL has sharper elbows than me but has been around for just a couple of years, I've been around for 30plus years, the SIL 20ish years.

How do we/how did you sort out the chattels of the estate. I sense emotions will be running high and no one should fall out over the crystal vase.

Are your in-laws still alive? We encouraged mine to have a clear out and sell whatever they can let go of and use the money for their pleasure. They have a house full of books, paintings, old furniture, silver, and metalworking machinery plus old sentimental tat from their own parents (think moth-eaten carpets stored in the loft for the last 50 years!). Whatever they want to pass to their children, grandchildren should be clearly written into a will.
What's been easier is that neither me, nor my partner want any of this stuff. I would love to have one of their coffee sets and two small paintings but I can live without. So, in all likelihood, most of the house contents would be going to the skip unless the other siblings want it.

I'm doing this right now for pils home. Their son, my husband, is doing everything to sort out the paperwork, bank accounts etc while still working full time. Their daughter lives a day's drive or a flight away. Were just round the corner. There are 5 grandchildren in late teens or early 20s.

I've set up a family WhatsApp group and post photos for people to comment if they'd like something set aside for them. So far there haven't been any arguments but I'm going for non-confrontational stuff first like the kitchen cupboards. I did send a photo of all their mugs to see if anyone wanted to choose one. They didn't have any clothes anyone wanted to keep but I have set aside some wooly jumpers and scarves in case anyone fancies getting them made into a teddy or anything like that later.

Today I'm going round to tackle the ornaments. I think that will be more stressful as everyone will have a favourite. Hopefully there are enough favourites to go round.
Haven't done anything with photos and letters and that sort of thing yet.

I've put some random things aside for the grandkids who say they're not interested. Just in case they feel differently later. If not they can throw away, but I feel like no-one has been left out.

I feel like I'm walking a bit of a tightrope in not wanting to upset anyone or overstep the mark but no-one else is stepping up. They'll be quick enough to complain if they're not happy though.

Put a number on every single thing that would be disputed. Draw a random order. Each person in order picks one thing. Repeat over and over. Regardless of value, people will need to decide whether to go for most valuable or most sentimental. I don’t know how you include GC, I think it would have to be to siblings only and they can use their turns to choose items for DIL and GC.

When we sorted DMIL's home after it was sold (to fund care), there wasn't much that the children wanted apart from odd bits of china and keepsakes, so the rest was allocated to grandchildren furnishing homes or sent to charity.

Only the children of the (presumably deceased?) parents get a say, surely? Their parents, their sentiments, their decisions. How long the various people who married in have been around, or how sharp their elbows are is irrelevant. Agree with @MadamNoo’s approach. Siblings only, systematic approach.

I think I will be in your footsteps, @User2292994 treading on similar eggshells.

It sounds like you've thought it through quite carefully.
MIL has been sorting through stuff ever since I've known her but an awful lot has also come in.
Anything that ends up on the family what's app currently gets fought over by two GC already or snapped up by the new DIL so I'm trying to think ahead about how to protect and support the siblings.

You need to stop thinking in terms of who’s been in the family longest for a start. As a previous poster has said you all take turns picking one item at a time. Monetary value comes out of the equation. You use your own turns to pick for your children.

Although if they are still alive you could just ask them.

I agree with posters above - children only (the children consider their own families when making their choices), and they take turns to choose. If there is anything left over that no one has claimed, the person / people who have been doing most of the sorting and clearing can decide what to do with it. (Eg if they want to bin / sell / give it away, that's fine and the person who hasn't been much help - there's always one! - doesn't get to swoop in and criticise.)

My H travelled down to his home house for a few months to clear out after but several things had been taken in between visits. He was angry but he left it at just bitching to me, he never fell out with his family. They're all he has left now. He was very, very hurt though. The stuff they took wasn't valuable, but things that would have been of sentimental value (H's own records for example). It's bad enough losing a much loved parent without having much loved family screwing you over.

My grandparents had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. After last grandparent died, one child just took photos of stuff and put it in a pdf document and emailed it round all children and grandchildren to ask if anyone wanted stuff. If more than one said yes, then they tried to divide stuff fairly. There were no major issues.

You need to remember it's just stuff!

I wanted nothing of value. I asked for one painting that made me smile, and some trinkets I used to play with as a child.

I feel very strongly it's just 'stuff' and have more than enough of my own that contains my memories.
Thank you for all your thoughts and ideas. I'll be supporting DH emotionally and logistically and trying to model good DIL behaviour.
I just know there's going to be tears.

The first thing to figure out is what you need to leave be until probate comes through. Some stuff you might want to remove for safe keeping so distribute amongst yourselves but document what is where in case you are asked if it’s of value. Also, pace yourself as it can be emotionally draining.

Anything that ends up on the family what's app currently gets fought over by two GC already or snapped up by the new DIL so I'm trying to think ahead about how to protect and support the siblings

I've been trying to divide things up into 2 piles, dh and his sister. There's a bedroom with twin beds so anything specifically relating to one or the other goes on their pile. So a cushion with "best grandad" on it given by a child of sil is on sil's bed. She can then sort it out with her family herself.

I sorted some photos today. I split them between the 2 piles when there was more than one similar. So each child has the same number of photos of their mum as a baby, their dad on his graduation day etc. They can divide them up between their kids however they like.

It sounds mad to go to all this trouble but like you say op I don't want the grandkid who shouts the loudest or gets on Whatsapp first to get the most stuff.

Today I went through the cabinet of china ornaments and sent 47 photos. I've asked everyone to say if they have something they particularly want. If more than one person wants the same thing we'll work out what to do. So far we're doing quite well. Not too much competition.

Someone should write a book on this. Or a list of rules and guidelines on how to be fair.

(Sorry for writing so much, clearing this house is pretty much the only thing I think about right now!)

When my mums house had to be cleared, we told siblings and grandkids to pick whatever furniture or anything they wanted. If more than one wanted the same thing we would have put names in a hat, never needed to though.

Don’t let things go in a “first come first served” way on WhatsApp, when one of the louder people says they want something reply saying “thanks for letting me know, I’ll give it one week to see if anybody else wants it and then if more than one person wants it we can decide what’s fair”. Every time keep saying variants of “noted, everybody else has one week to say if they’d like it” and stick to it. Gives everybody a much fairer chance to stake a claim to things they might really value.

Nobody should be taking anything til probate is sorted. Is there a will? Who’s the executor? They should be helping to negotiate this.

Thankfully my mother downsized last year and couldn’t physically fit lots of stuff in her new place so had house clearance people come in. I’ve told her I want nothing from her when she goes. I might take a ring or something but she knows it’ll be another house clearance.

Not sure it's any business of the way n laws is it? Isn't it up to the children to sort it out?