Inheritance one

[Yummymummy2020]

With partner a long time, have three children together. Didn’t get married, had planned to but things always came up (think deaths/serious illness in family. We split bills, I earned more and so paid more, took a bit to a lower paid job after having babies and reduced hours so pension will take a hit.
not to drop feed but for a few reasons things have been rocky relationship wise. Not cheating but partner has a temper since a family death (not physical but shouts and curses ect.) not In front of kids but it was and I said I was seriously considering leaving so this changed but I’m still aware I may decide to leave down the line if there are problems that arise again. Lost a family member who kindly has left a largish sum of money to me.m not insane but deposit for a small house in a ok but not fancy area amount so not crazy money but generous and kind. Partner seems to see this as joint money. I would have years ago to be fair but now things have been dicey I don’t. I want to put a good chunk aside for my children and also replace money in my pension as a safety net if we do split. He was not happy to hear this and feels he should have a say in what it is spent on. I’m just not sure if I’m being awful or not. We don’t have a joint account and I don’t think I plan to get married anymore in case he does become abusive. Also not to drip feed but I’m not mean with money, I pump anything I have into the place we rent, the kids and my unpaid leave time. He didn’t think he should have to help with that and it took a massive row to get help with it so that will illustrate the general attitude. He has stepped up since but I am still bothered by it. Just wondering what others think, if I am being unreasonable I will take it on board for sure as I only have a newborn so a bit all over the place!

Also not to drip feed we are planning to buy rather than rent but he does not want to contribute to a deposit just wants me to use my money but wants equal names on the deeds. He can save he just thinks if I have it I should pay it but I would rather us both save so it’s more equal if we split.

Buy the house in your name and move in with your kids. Leave him behind he sounds horrid.

Leave him. Buy a house in your name only.

I think you should just leave him. You’re clearly done.

What he expected you to cover maternity costs and now he wants your inheritance?

id say that this is a wonderful time to buy a lovely little place for you and your children and he can fuck off

Please leave him and use the money to buy a house for you and your children. It’s very worrying that he’s being aggressive, his behaviour might escalate to physical abuse (as you say) and the other unacceptable thing is him wanting to buy a house with you where you’ve funded the deposit yourself but the deeds are joint.

Can you soften the blow and pretend that you were told you had to keep the money for your kids. I hate lying but I think that might be easier for you than telling the truth.

However obnoxious he is it is sending a very clear message to him if you treat the money as yours and yours alone.

Are you sure that this money isn't a good opportunity to split with him.

It's a tricky situation.

YANBU at all. It's not like you want to fritter the money away or spend it on yourself, you are suggesting really good sensible uses for it (lots of people don't save enough in their pension) and it's really selfish of him to want you to use it for his benefit instead.

One of the advantages of not being married, it’s your money not his

do what you want with it, but if you do buy but something yourself, in your name only, he can pay rent, formally, to live there

Buying a house jointly with an aggressive man who you have been considering leaving in utter foolishness. You know it really.

Fuck that! It’s 100% your money (thank goodness you didn’t marry him) and he has no claim to it whatsoever. Cheeky fucker. Cautious about crying LTB as a kneejerk response as I know it’s not always as simple as that, but at the very least, keep your money AND DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN!

It’s your money, buy on you own if you can, if not hold onto it. Do not buy anything with it that he will benefit from. It’s good you aren’t married.

I agree with the other posters OP, allowing your partner to get his hands on YOUR inheritance would be foolish in the extreme. If you want to stay with him, just tell him you've already made arrangements for it to go into your pension. The relative would have left it to you AND your partner, if that was what they wanted. Presumably they didn't say in the Will that they left 'X' amount to 'YummyMummy2020' AND (insert partner's name)? So unless they did just that, the money is for you, and you ONLY! Please follow your instincts which are screaming at you by the sound of things, and get rid of this sponger before the relationship goes downhill further.

It sounds like you've checked out already. Use the money to move on.

You know there are deep cracks in your relationship as you were planning to leave him previously.

You need to be able to keep your exit options open. Having a property in joint names that you are mainly funding will seriously restrict your options.

It's only worth buying a joint property if you're properly committed to the relationship and there is fair financial balance. Unfortunately you've currently got neither.

Thanks everyone, I wasn’t sure if I was being very selfish about it. I want to make sure I’m not in a position of having no money to leave if I chose to down the line. The reason why I haven’t left is for the vast vast majority of the relationship he was the most lovely person. Unfortunately when the death happened he became depressed and I suppose I have been clinging on to the old days as such. Back then foolish or not the possibility of a split would not even have occurred to me but I suppose in some ways it has made my eyes open a bit to the fact things could work out very differently. Given the hit to the pension will be from raising the children I feel it’s fair to want to put money into the pension to counter act this impact as obviously not being married and the potential split will mean I will have mine he will have his and that will be it. Then of course to put some away for the children too for college ect. I definitely see it as a red flag to only use my money as a deposit, so thank you so much for your opinions as I feel I couldn’t mention this to friends and families, as I’m sure you will agree, I know bloody well what they will say! Thank you again!

You're not married. It's your money not his.

If he wants to share finances then he needs to marry you.