To never feel mum guilt.

[KarenNotAKaren]

It’s not really an AIBU because I know I’m NBU. But I’m really fed up of the concept of ‘mum guilt’ being peddled. I see it all the time not least on MN - women feeling bad for doing basic innocuous things like going to work or having a lunch with friends. Stuff men would NEVER even consider feeling ‘guilty’ for. What on Earth is that about?

It’s not an inherent feeling. I can find no research that states women intrinsically feel guilt over normal occurrences after they have given birth to children. I can honestly say I’ve never once felt ‘mum guilt’. I feel bad for things in life if I cock up, wether it’s towards an adult or towards my DC, but I don’t buy into the concept of ‘mum guilt’ at all. The way I see it, I’m trying my best even if it’s not the ideal outcome, there’s nothing to feel guilty for. We need to collectively stop this total nonsense, we need to stop validating it and we need to stop pretending that making perfectly sound and normal decision is anything to feel guilty about just because we have vaginas.

I totally agree with you. I dont feel mum.guilt either going out to work. Ive loved going out to work to get a break from my children and even weekends away every once in a while.

I don't really get mum guilt

Same!

I think it’s important for my kids to see me go enjoy weekends away with friends, they may actually realise I’m a human with my own feelings, interests and life. and then I am treated like a human being not MumBot only there to serve their needs.

It's not a 'thing' I 'voluntarily buy into', sometimes I just feel it and can't help it. It's rude to call it nonsense, it's like you're trying to make me feel stupid.

I only feel guilty when I can't give ds the attention he deserves because I have a newborn attached to me.

I think some mothers sort of enjoy it, they like pretending that the world will end for their child if they spend time away. I think it's also used a lot as a way to keep distance from partners (refusing to have anyone babysit, refusing to have a child free weekend away etc even when the relationship needs it).

I feel mum guilt as sometimes I get down and want to do better, especially around my period when I am feeling emotional.

I use it as an impetus to try and improve our lives. I don't feel guilty about superfluous things like going away for work or for an evening out. I feel guilty about things that matter to me, like consistency, making their home as good as possible, giving equal attention when I have a more high needs DC, understanding my children so I can parent them individually and how to navigate that when they have such different personalities, feeling too tired from work and life to do all the things I want to do with them. Etc.

It’s great you don’t feel it, it’s not something I think anyone should feel, we are all just doing our best. And I definitely believe as women we should be building each other up, and I also believe the load which my husband and I do. However I do feel it, I feel it when I can’t attend things for my kids because of work, or when I do not have as much time to spend with them as I would like to. Am I wrong for feeling this? Do you judge me for feeling this way? I just want my kids to be happy, and not miss out, and I feel bad when I can’t facilitate this. I think it’s important to acknowledge these feelings.

Me neither. And agree with you on not validating gendered nonsense aimed at encouraging women not to prioritise their own needs to a healthy extent.

I think what irritates me most, because it’s so damaging, is the idea that ‘mum guilt’ is as inevitable as bodily changes when pregnant. It isn’t. You’re choosing to allow some external force to make you feel guilty when you could resist that script. No one comes on male forums making jokes about ‘dad guilt’ because of going to work or seeing their friends.

I don't really feel mum guilt. I'm happy with all the choices I make for my children. I'm not perfect and will apologise for my mistakes but I do my best and me and my children are happy with that.