I’m uncomfortable with my partners mum looking after our baby

[xaxayxey]

My partners mum has always been somewhat unstable when it comes to her mental health. She’s very reactive to any situation and can easily go from 0-100 and this makes me super anxious just being around her. My partner has admitted he knows she isn’t mentally stable and suffers from some kind of PTSD. She’s raised her hands to my partner in the past and on more than one occasion screamed at him while I was in the room. Most of the time she is a pleasant kind lady but she’s so unpredictable it just makes me nervous how she will be around my baby girl.
She already lives in a house with 2 big dogs and she recently “rescued” an XL bully dog that originally showed some signs of aggression towards her other dogs, granted this has since calmed down but it’s more the size of the dogs that worry me.
In my mind my baby won’t be stepping foot in her house and I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of her looking after our baby on her own. She can come to our house or we can go out somewhere whenever she wants but I feel like these boundaries I’m setting in my own mind could be taken the wrong way. AIBU? And how can I tell my partner my feelings without making him feel like I’m trying to make things hard work between him and his mum.

Please don't let your baby be around those dogs. And I think you need to just tell your partner that you can't trust his mom to look after your child and let him think what he wants. You're not trying to make it hard but sounds like she genuinely can't be trusted. Hopefully you get someone who has dealt with a similar situation.

Of course she should never look after your baby. Do you think your partner wouldn’t understand your feelings?

In your place I’d be reluctant to spend any time with her at all if she’s shouted at your partner and caused scenes in front of you.

My mum has MH problems and only has supervised access. You can manage the conversation delicately but she knows she’ll never be alone with the children. As you say people with MH problems can be unpredictable and that is not what you want around your kid.

As for the house / dogs, same thing, i wouldn’t have my kid around a banned breed, bred for aggression. I respect her right to have whatever dogs she chooses but I wouldn’t even have my kids unsupervised around my parents’ ancient kindly labrador as i know small kids can annoy any dog who isn’t used to them.

Definitely YANBU. No way would I allow someone who loses their cool to the point of screaming and near violence look after my child. Plus the dogs wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near. I like dogs and big dogs don’t bother me but an XL Bully with a history of aggression is asking for a disaster.

As for how to tell your partner - my husband approached it delicately with me on the contact thing thinking i’d be upset and i agreed immediately so it was a short discussion. Your partner may well just agree.

You don’t need to restrict access or anything just she won’t be able to babysit sadly x

Yanbu. No child near a bully dog especially if they don't know the child. Ignoring the mh issues of your mil.

Totally agree with PP. YANBU. If in your shoes, I would be honest with DH as you are in this together and you will need his support to manage his mum. GL xx

If she behaves like that with 3 big dogs, one of which has shown aggression, the dogs will respond to her heightened emotions and aggressive behaviour. It’s a very dangerous situation for a baby. Just talk to your partner. Show him these responses if he doesn’t listen to you. He needs to look at this from a safety angle, and really think about what could happen.

It would be a firm no from me on the dogs (to be honest I wouldn’t leave my small baby in a house with any dog anyway - without me there) and another firm no on the reactive mother in law. Your DH will hopefully agree with you. If you are still pregnant wait until the baby is born before talking about it. Some men don’t realise how helpless and vulnerable small babies are until they are in their arms.

Not in a million years would I let any age child of mine near the dogs, never mind the mil. Absolutely tough luck if she or your dp don’t agree.

NO WAY!!

OP

Hopefully your partner will understand and he should really as its his baby girl to
As parents we have to protect our children

There is no need to leave your baby with anyone for at least a year. There's no benefit to a young baby in being left with anyone other than its primary carers. I also wouldn't want my baby in a house with 3 large dogs.

I would broach the dog thing with your partner and agree his mum comes to yours to see the baby. You can broach the no babysitting thing much further down the line. My children have never been left with either grandmother - there's just been no need . It's not inevitable.

Well you don’t know their financial position. Some people have to go back to work sooner and would prefer to leave baby with grandparents than a nursery.

Not this particular grandparent though, I would add!

Yanbu. You can't put your baby in danger just to be polite .

Your a parent now, never feel guilty about setting boundaries that protect your child. If that upsets anyone, even your partner, then so be it.

My children would never be in a house with those dogs. MIL would be welcome to visit or go out with us but based on what you've said definitely wouldn't be babysitting.

Completely reasonable. Definitely a hill to die on. Hopefully partner agrees

@xaxayxey A reactive, aggressive woman takes on a reactive dangerous type of dog?

You would be absolutely insane to risk your child by allowing them in her reckless “care”

Please follow your instincts.

Look up attacks on children by Pit Bulls and their crosses.

I’d not leave ANY baby where someone had a dog

My son had a collie fly at him ( son was not anywhere near dog- a baby on floor)

Thankfully I was able to lift son out the way as the Collie only had 3 legs so wasn’t as fast as could be.

A massive strong “ Pig/ Hippo” dog could do terrible damage to a man, never mind a sweet baby.

I agree, I was very particular about who I left my children with, especially when they were preverbal. I just wanted to mention that you don't necessarily have to make an announcement to that person that you aren't leaving the baby with them. Just don't leave the baby. It worked well for us in terms of keeping egos intact, and spending time with the unstable family member as a family unit but not having them babysit. To their credit they would never be around my children when at their worst, the related adult would go and visit alone. Yes people with mental health issues need support but children don't need to witness "episodes" - the person in our family had enough self awareness to know this without us spelling out "you are not allowed to babysit our kids."

Say looking after a baby when you are older can be a stressful experience, especially when you are already responsible for 3 other lives and are struggling with PTSD, so you don't feel it is fair to put your partner's mother in that situation? I mean it may be that when you've seen her around the baby you change that in the future so you are not saying never, ever (although you are also free to change that to decreasing the amount of contact)