Detached from my pregnancy and just want it to not be happening.

[Unknown987]

An unwanted 4th pregnancy. Abortion was never an option even though I did contact the clinic and had the assessment. Nearing end of 1st trimester and have had an early scan with hope of feeling something other than dread. I felt nothing but disappointment that there was a heartbeat. How evil am I?? My fatigue is taking over so my emotions are all over the place.
I feel nothing but emptiness towards my pregnancy. I haven't told anyone and refuse to let my husband share this news as I don't want to face it? I don't want this. I hide under my fatigue and nausea when speaking to husband who is getting more and more excited as the weeks go by so he's not really aware. I don't know what I'm doing in life now. I feel completely derailed.

AIBU and selfish for not being grateful for having this blessing? I know so many who struggle in this department and feel awful for typing what I have...

How old are your other dc?

i think the fourth kind of pulls along and has to fit with the family’s routine. I bet he/she will make you smile lots but do talk to your mw as antenatal depression is a thing and it’s best to get support early.

an unplanned baby can be a bit of a grieving process for the family you’d pictured so don’t be hard on yourself and let yourself have feelings.

Sorry you are feeling like this. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? It might be the shock of adjusting to this curveball in your life and your hormones wreaking havoc. If.you haven't make an appointment, and I'd also speak to your husband about this.

You are not evil, I would feel exactly the same in your position, please be kind to yourself.

I don’t want to pry but just want to clarify if abortion not being an option is your choice and not anyone else’s view?

Religious beliefs.

12, 9 and 2.

So you’re just starting to feel human again but going back to the start. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.