Family estrangement - wondering whether to try reconciling or not

[Celia24]

I'd like some advice. Basically I had an aunt I was very close to for the first 20 years of my life.

However her husband was a huge problem. A well known tabloid did a story on him, revealing he had been jailed for attempted rape as a teenager. And his behaviour has been questionable since. Tried it on with a relative while married to her etc

Her brother is my father. They fell out badly and while she and I never had words, one day I just never heard from her again. Then when I was early 20s we exchanged a few texts and it was done again. My grandfather told me she mistreated him in his later years and I was angry about this.

At the same time my aunt, my father and my grandfather all had a very unhealthy dynamic. I'm sure a lot of their problems stem from their upbringing which was very difficult.

I saw her briefly at an event a year ago. We stared at each other but didn't speak. For the last 6 months, I've dreamt about her alot/reconciling. I'm always in a serious relationship with a man who has encouraged me to forgive her for myself, which has caused these dreams to ramp up.

Do I need to:

yabu - leave it forever, too water under the bridge

Yanbu - consider reaching out

Reach out but be prepared for it to lead nowhere.

Life's short. Reach out and see where it leads.

The other issue is I wouldnt want to upset my father. Reconciling could cause an issue with him and we are very close.

But just in the last year, I have dreamt about her so much and about reconciling. Seems like something I need to at least listen to.

Sounds like you’ve decided to contact her.

Is her horrible DH still around? If so and they’re still together any contact with your aunt is likely to be very limited.

Unless your boyfriend has knowledge of dysfunctional families wouldn’t pay heed to his opinions about ‘forgiveness’ etc.

When you say ‘reconciling’ you didn’t fall out: she ghosted you, twice. It’s likely that would happen again.

@Loopytiles she's still married to the horrible DH. I assume they'll be together til death.

She ghosted me.to begin with. I then ghosted her after some texting early 20s. I'm now in my early 30s. Lately the idea of lifelong estrangement has become too terrible to contemplate.

On the other hand, maybe id be better off just going to therapy. It makes me sad - we were very close.

Go for it.

I would leave well alone.

You know it will upset your Dad, so no, don't contact her.

Move on.

Go for it if you want but I'm no sure what the point is. Can you not just remember the good times you had with her and leave it at that. It's always going to be tricky if she is still with the nasty husband.

Does she live close to,you? Does she have any other family she keeps in touch with. Do you know for sure she mistreated your grandfather?

In a way @ADoggyDogWorld he was the one that fought with her surely knowing it would cause a rift for the entire family.

So for example my mum feels the pain of the rift too, they were good friends. She accepts she can't speak to her against but misses her.

@MyselfYouselfMeYou we live about 20 mins apart.

She has no family left, just her husband and friends. Shw couldn't have kids and her parents are dead.

I don't know for sure she mistreated him, only what he told us aged 90. A part of me just wants to have the conversation - even if we don't meet again afterwards.

Beware of wearing rose tinted glasses and think what kind of outcome you envisage @Celia24

How will you feel if she rebuffs you? and how will you feel if you reconnect but ultimately one or the other of you ghosts the other again. How will you feel if you make a reasonable relationship but your father finds out and it then causes big problems between you and him?

You've got to answer these questions honestly and if you go ahead, be prepared for the consequences. The saying is no pain, no gain, and only you know if the risk of the pain is worth the potential of some kind of reward.

@martinisforeveryone all good questions

I joked about therapy earlier in the thread - maybe I should do that first.

I also wouldn't speak to my aunt without speaking to him and asking how he'd feel about it.

It may well help you work out your thoughts, talking one to one. Remember if you do go ahead, what's said is always said and can't be unsaid. Take your time.

Is she wealthy? If you got in contact might people wonder if you are doing it to get in on any inheritance? I know someone who successfully did that. It was an unpleasant racist and sexist Uncle and I could never understand why this person hosted him so regularly until he died.

You can't turn the clock back.

The aunt you knew and trusted until you were 20 is a different person now, and perhaps not a very nice one from what your grandfather said. You can't go back. You might be able to create a new relationship which might have some elements of the old, but it won't be the same.

Do you know the reason your father and her fell out? That could be significant.

It seems to me that you want to rekindle that warmth but honestly, it's unlikely to happen. As well as other things, her husband is still around.

I think some therapy (if you can find a good therapist who looks under the surface) would be a good idea, if nothing else to process what are clearly strong feelings on your side. It seems like you have a lot of hope. How will you cope with disappointment if it goes wrong, which honestly speaking seems like a real possibility?

If you have faced the dangers of this and can accept that it might go wrong, ideally without bringing too much of your own agenda to renewed contact, then go for it. It might go wrong, but it might go right.

Did this aunt allow her DH around you when you were a child, while knowing he was a convicted rapist?

I couldn't get passed that snd I'm not sure I could associate with someone with such poor judgement as to marry a convicted rapist, especially given how few cases even get to court, let alone result in a conviction.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees yes I was around him as a child. Eventually my mum felt he was sort of grooming me and had strong words. Finally I was stopped from visiting them.

When I was old enough I continued to visit. My uncle gave out about his regrets but I mostly ignored it and my then boyfriend kept me safe.

She didn't know about his criminal past when she married him.. unfortunately he didn't tell her and it came out in the tabloids weeks after their marriage

his behaviour has been questionable since.

I presume you are currently childless.

If you aren't or plan to have children in the future, do you really want him around your child?

Eventually my mum felt he was sort of grooming me and had strong words. Finally I was stopped from visiting them.

I saw this after I posted.

Stay away from both of them. He's a risk to children and young people.

@DancesWithDucks I think your response is a good, measured one. Thank you. I'll think on it.

I reckon therapy is a good place for me to start here. After all, I don't want to regret reaching out before I really worked through things.

@Reugny yes I'm currently childless but partner and I thinking about starting a family in next couple of years.

He'd never be permitted around a future child.

I'm sorry but I really think you have a rose tinted view of this woman.

She allowed her DH attempt to groom you.
She married an absolute creep.
She stayed with a convicted rapist.
She may have abused her father.

She doesn't appear to have many redeeming qualities and is a danger to any future children you may have.