so miserable in my relationship

[MummySS22]

I'm in a long term relationship withy partner. We aren't married. We live together. Rented. Not owned. We have a 20 month old DS. I'm in my early thirties. DP is a few years older than me(late thirties).

I'm so miserable. We've no intimacy anymore, it on his terms. He does what he wants, when he wants, without consulting me. I'm talking nights out preplanned, holidays abroad with the "lads". He spent stupid amounts of money and when I ask why or how he throws it in my face that it's his money because he earns it. I don't have any of my own money and rely on him financially. He pays all the bills (and doesn't let me forget it) I have to ask for any money I might need for DS or housekeeping, fuel, shopping for groceries etc. Its degrading and ishouldn't feel scared to ask for things through fear of getting made to feel small. He works full time, I'm a SAHM. Not through choice. I'm actually a qualified HCP (private) but we can't afford to both work and put DS in childcare so he works and I stay at home. He thinks that because he works that that makes him exempt from doing anything else. He doesn't help with chores, he doesn't help with DS. And I mean nothing. Won't even dress or bathe him if I ask. He says all the baby care and house jobs is my job because I don't work. He so aks to me like crap, I have no say in anything at all. I feel so belittled all the time and just out and out miserable. He picks on me about my weight, or how I look. Just anything really.

I'm scared to leave, I have no where to go, no money or savings and I don't want to put DS in a position where he had to go completely without..I've no family or friends nearby and just don't know what to do. I can't live like this anymore. I'm exhausted, I honestly never get a break. I'm looking after DS and then I have to do everything for my partner as well. I'm literally just a slave at this point. I tried stopping doing things for.him and he just threw that in my face. When I try to say how I'm feeling he turns it round and throws everything in my face, tells me to leave and then says oh no you can't you've got no where to go. At this point I'm completely broken. I want to say he's a good dad but he spends zero time with DS. Financially he provides but that's about it at this point in time. What can I do. I can't go on like this.

He’s horrible. How far away are your family? Do they know what’s happening?

Where are your family. Tell someone you trust what is happening and get away from this piece of shit. He's already ruining your life. He will ruin your child's too if you don't get away.

Family, if they will help.
Try Women's Aid. You need out of there, and out of the relationship.
The way you feel right now, commit that to memory. That's what you're going to get away from, and it's why you'll never have him back when you say it's over.
It's reasonable to be scared, but you can still be scared and silently start finding out how to move forward, then make your plans. Don't tell him.

My parents are 50 miles away. I have no friends here as I'm not from.the area and only moved here when I was pregnant with DS to be a "family".
I also hav a diagnosed anxiety disorder, OCD and diagnosed fibromyalgia amongst other health issues. I just want someone to treat me fairly and all of this is really taking a toll at the moment. But I don't know how to even make plans to leave. No money, no friends to help etc

Wait until he goes to work tomorrow, then call your parents or a friend to come and get your. Pack a bag with essentials and anything else you can take and walk away. You can write him a letter detailing exactly why and leave it for him.

Be prepared that anything you have left behind will be lost to you.

Please get yourself out of that situation. You don't want your DS growing up thinking this is how women (or anyone for that matter) is treated.

I’m sorry if I’m missing something but is there a reason you can’t go to your family? If my dd rang me and told me she was being treated like this I’d be there in a flash to bring her home.

My dad and stepmom would help me but I know he will be upset and very angry and I guess I just don't want that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be honest.

He doesn't appear to be ashamed and embarrassed that he treats you like an unpaid housemaid and nanny.

Call your parents, leave tomorrow DC is young enough not to care. Start your life again with support from your parents.

Once you are on your own you'll be able to get back on your feet with UC paying towards childcare. It'll be a couple of tricky years but you'll be happy and independent which is far better than a lifetime of miserable years feeling alone.

What is actually going to make him upset? The fact that he no longer gets to see the love of his life? Or that you dared to stand up to him?

Who will be angry and upset? Your dad or partner?

Your dad, I imagine, will be fuming, but not with you.

If your partner is angry or upset then tough. You are upset too (and for a much more justifiable reason!)

Also please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed!

It is not your fault

You should feel proud and empowered that you aren't prepared to put yourself and your son in this position any longer!

Do you mean your dad will be angry?

call women’s aid

you might need to go to your dad and step mums as a short term step - if it’s a king way from your ex partner that could be a good thing

Go to your dads and stepmum’s. Just until you’re on your feet. You may get help with childcare if on your own, maybe work part time. Honestly you’ll be fine on your own, I’ve done it and listen, mine are grown up now and I’m nearing 50. Life goes by in a flash, it really does. Don’t waste your youth being miserable. As the child of parents who stayed together for the children, honestly don’t do it. He’s making you feel worthless and you are not worthless. You can do this. All the best

Call your dad and get out of there.

Get a job and childcare for dc and take it from there

@MummySS22 I'm so sorry, this is so heartbreaking. PLEASE do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. That is you carrying his shame - another burden he has thrown onto you just as he does everything else. He has much to be ashamed of. You have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of. If your parents will help, I really urge you to go to them. You deserve a better life and it's out there for you, I promise. But you need support and there is no shame in asking for help. One day you will help those people too, I'm sure, and you'll feel privileged that you can.

OP you've got to leave for your son.

Do you want him growing up thinking this is how you treat your partner?

Or, think it's normal if someone treats him like this?

Ask your family for help OP.

You must do it for your dc sake and yours.

Please don’t prioritise the feelings of your partner. He’s prioritising himself over you and his own child !

You need to get help to move out and he mustn’t know about your plans until you’ve left.

As pp said, wait til he’s gone to work, phone your parents and ask them to come for you the following day.

It gives you a day to pack a few things quietly and get the hell out of there.
Never go back, no matter how much he begs, love bombs or tries to black mail you !

You deserve better and he’s a terrible example to your dc !

Thank you everyone. Its just so hard for me. I have very bad anxiety and the thought of me and DS being all alone with no financial security or anything scared the life out of me. It sounds confusing and wrong but the thought of me and DS being by ourselves completely with no other presence fills me with anxiety too. I've tried to have a conversation again tonight to try and tell him how I'm feeling and he said I was gaslighting him and has gin off to sleep in the spare room! I told him I don't want to be with him anymore and he said mayb we need space I said I don't think space is what we need. Things need to change completely. No amount of space will fix this if you carry on thinking you are being acceptable. He's gone off up to bed and I've sat here roaring.

You need to go home to your parents and tell them everything.

I would be so upset if my DD was living like you are, and didn’t just come to me.

He might get nasty, so wait until he goes to work tomorrow? and just get out.

You cannot stay with him. He is treating you shit and doesn't want to parent his child or share the workload. He has no respect for you either. I think you should go to stay at your dad's if that's an option and then plan anything else.