Single mums-how do you manage

[Wonderingaboutlifeandeverything]

Financially?
I want to be on my own with my young Dd. I do everything on my own as it is and am happier when it’s just us. My main
issue is not wanting to share custody 50/50 as I don’t want to be without her when she’s little 😥
My second issue is worry about coping financially alone.
I’m degree educated and have years of professional experience, but that doesn’t guarantee a high wage these days.
Our house is in both our names, I’ve worked out that if we sell and split it, after buying my own car and having a bit in the bank for emergencies, I should have around £50-55,000 for a house deposit. I hope to be on at least £25,000 per year.
Will I survive on this, will I be able to get a house?
If you’re a single mum, how do you survive? Is it easier now you’re on your own or harder?

I cope because I have no choice, 4 kids and don’t receive a penny in maintenance. I would have loved 50/50 though but ex chosen not to see them instead. Financially I would be better off with 50/50

@Wonderingaboutlifeandeverything i have no answer as its early days for me too. I’m renting and the rent is nearly half my wage. I do have savings but want to touch them as little as possible. The only thing I will say in the kindest way possible is that your dd will be entitled to see their dad as much as they need so that may have to be 50:50 ( obviously you know what she needs best) I’m on €40k which is about £35k and we have 50:50 so no maintenance. It’s hard enough but manageable.

Maybe speak to a mortgage advisor and find out how much you could borrow, there are mortgages out there that will take into account your whole income including any child maintenance and benefits, can make a big difference. Do you think your ex would want 50/50?

I private rented and claimed UC help until I was able to get a better job/more hours

I did like being a single mum in many ways tbh but it was hard. He only had them 1 day a week so it was mostly just us

@Goinoutalone So how do you split it between you both? So if it’s 50/50, fathers don’t need to pay any maintenance? When do they need to pay maintenance?
He would probably say he wants 50/50, but I don’t know how that would work out with work etc

I’ve never had benefits before, what would I be able to receive, if anything?

On a £25k salary you're probably looking at £100k mortgage, so a purchase price of c£150k. Is that enough where you live op?

The majority of lenders will not include benefits or CMS.

I do take issue with yo saying you wouldn't like to be without your dc if you went 50/50 - I dare say her dad won't either - what's in your dc's best interest?

@BloodyAdultDC Excuse me? You take issue with it?
Its ok to say I don’t want to be without her, because I don’t! Hence having to stay at present in a situation where I’m miserable as sin.

@Wonderingaboutlifeandeverything
we do
Mon-Tues night each week with dad
Weds -Thurs night each week with me
we alternate Fri -Sunday so its 5,2,2,5 essentially

the parent who has them less pays maintenance as far as I understand. But I could be wrong.

I believe with 50/50 no maintenance is paid but there is no guarantee that's what he wants so do not focus on it.
Use a benefits calculator such as entitledto.co.uk and put in what you expect your circumstances to be. This will give you an idea of what you'd be living on.

We cope because we have to. When you were pregnant with your first did you go through a stage of worry? Did someone tell you it would come with time or instinct? The same applies here.

I'm sorry to say but if you're unhappy or there's any atmosphere in the house the kids will know. It doesn't always end badly. Life may not be the same but it could be better.

@CoffeeLover90 Thank you 🙏

Is your life better/happier?

I'm years on from this now but life is always better when you're not living with a person who makes you miserable. Always.

Look into part rent part buy schemes as well as what mortgage you could get
I was a lone parent from DC being 4 and 5, money was tight but got much better once they got to high school as I could work longer hours
ExDH only had them every other weekend and paid the least he could (worst was £5 a week)
BUT I was so much happier and more important in the end so were they

This is the bottom line.

50/50 residence is a tough one, i grant you. I was extremely lucky in that my ex didn't want this so it was never on the table. I had no doubts about leaving but I think it would have been exponentially harder if this had been an issue. On balance, though living between two calm, happy households will always be better for children after some adjustment than living in one miserable one.

Financially: you will cope because you have to.

I'm not going to minimise how daunting it is because it's one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. But I've never had a moment's doubt since doing it and my life is a million times happier. I'm also better off than when I was with my ex and my child is happy and settled.

Honestly if you're in an unhappy marriage, toughing it out "for the children" is always a false economy. No child benefits from that.

It really depends if it’s better or worse but inevitably the politics and juggling alone can be gruelling at least time to time.

Can you change careers?

£25k for a professional with a lot of years experience is quite low. 40 hours at minimum wage is getting on for £22k.

In general, I suppose the affordability is quite heavily dependent on where you live / cost of childcare / family support.

Depends where you live!

I’m a single parent but I do earn a good wage but working very hard - plus I have a good degree, a professional qualification and over 20 years fully qualified experience. But it’s still really tough - including money wise as my child seem to specialise in expensive interests and needs!

(Not mega expensive, I just mean things like musical instruments, drama hobby, 1-2-1 swimming for son with ADHD who adores swimming but wasn’t learning anything in group lessons)

I’ve managed ok. I did claim some in work benefits when I was part time but I am full time now and earn a good salary. But I live in the South East so still don’t own my own property but I have a good deposit now and am looking. 50-50 isn’t easy, we started off that way but it didn’t last as their dad couldn’t (or wouldn’t) get to after school club / nursery in time on his days. Gradually they came to me more and within 2yrs he had gone to work overseas where he’s worked 7 of the last 12yrs. I was glad to be able to have them more of course. It was horrible at first sending them for 50/50 care but I was always on good terms with my ex

I'm a lone parent and don't get any input.

I was lucky I bought my house 19yrs ago. Im v sensible with money now after becoming a mother, and try not to flit it away.

I have a decent job , that pays for everything but should the job go ,id be up the creek quickly.

So the aim is to save hard in the coming years to make a nest egg just in case.

@Wonderingaboutlifeandeverything 100% - took a while for me to realise but it is, DS much happier too

Maybe child benefit? Probably nothing else.

There are benefits calculators online so would be worth trying one of those to see if you'd be entitled to anything.

I was in almost the exact same financial situation as you are when I became a single parent about 10 years ago. I moved out of the city we lived in into a small town that was a 1hr commute away because that way I could afford to buy a house. It was tight money wise but I was entitled to child tax credits which helped massively. My ex did everything he could to weasel out of maintenance so I never relied on that. Not sure what it would be under UC.

my best advice would be to sit down work out all the money you’ll have coming in and set a very strict budget and stick to it. If you can make it so you can have a little spare each month to cover unexpected issue. Look at shared ownership schemes to make it easier to buy or consider moving if it’s possible to a cheaper area

also I know it’s so hard to come to terms with the idea of not having your child with you all the time but it’s best to do what’s in the best interest of the child so don’t rule out 50/50 unless it’s clearly not going to work. I’d suggest looking at counselling to help you process and come to terms with the feelings around it all. I’m 10 years in and there are still times it’s feels so unfair so it helps to have strategies to cope