To feel I have actually fucked my life up completely and there’s no way back now

[sdlk]

I was in a relationship just before covid hit, we moved in when covid happened. I completely believed this man was right for me. We talked a lot about starting a family, I was early 30s and he late 30s. Both on the same page with it all, I was so happy. Two years into the relationship I was unexpectedly pregnant. We did talk about if we were ready etc and he said he would support me whatever. We went ahead. From mid pregnancy things went downhill. It was awful. I moved out and he didn’t see our son for 5 months after birth. Since then things were better in that way, he has seen him every weekend (and except when travelling to see his elderly mum at a weekend). He pays on time and will often get ds extras. He’s since apologised for his behaviour while i was pregnant and said he still loved me etc but even after he said that his shitty behaviour continued so I haven’t gone back there. He is not a good partner and is a below average dad to ds… everything, and I mean everything, is left to me. I have tried to get him to do more, I’ve explained endlessly what I have to do and how I have to juggle work etc but he literally does not care. He has a budding career in finance that he went into late in life and he is focused on pound signs only.

I managed well until ds hit 20 months last week and I just feel I’ve hit a wall. Before then I was juggling things well, house was tidy, I was mentally ok and positive, I had hope for the future etc but now I suddenly feel like fog has lifted and I can see how gruelling and awful this is going to be forevermore. Financially things are starting to show that I hadn’t considered before, like I can’t pay as much into my pension as I can’t work as hard as my ex as all responsibilities for our son is on me. That’s just one small area. I don’t have chance to date, I will probably never have another child now either as by the time I meet someone I will be practically 40, that’s if I meet someone at all which is unlikely. I can’t believe this is my life. I’ve not had a meal out without ds in nearly two years. I can’t even consider a gym membership, there’s no point. I really don’t know how I got through the last couple of years so well but maybe it was because I had no choice and now it’s starting to hit me. There was a leak downstairs last night and it was all on me. Had no washing machine for just 24 hours and bloody hell things start to fall apart. It’s me heating the home for our son so my bills are higher than when I would just get by as a single person and put a jumper on. I can’t even begin to consider going abroad … the list goes on. I don’t know why I’m posting really. I’m just very sad tonight and as much as I truly adore ds and would never ever want life without him, I just can’t believe my life in general has turned out this way.

Your life isn't fucked, it's just different.

It's hard when they are little and totally reliant on your for everything. The days are so long, but the years are short. I promise its not forever.

Gym, meals, dating etc will all be easier soon enough of that's what you want.

It sounds like you've had a really overwhelming day or 2 and everything has come to a head for you.

Instead of thinking of everything as one massive problem, split it all up, for example, the gym. Is there one nearby with a creche facility? Could you arrange to go there for an hour or 2 per week?

How often does his dad actually have him? Can you make a plan for a meal for that time?

Are you claiming CMS and getting everything you're entitled to claim?

It's so hard being a single parent, so you have my sympathies 💐

Ok so you have -
A (healthy?) DC
A job
A secure home (do you own or rent?)
Your health (a presumption as you don’t mention any serious conditions)

So, useless man aside, the basics are there. Your DC is only 1 and that does tend to be a mum burnout age - back to work, a mobile toddler whose understanding is still fairly limited, perhaps regular night wakings or early wakings still. It will get easier - his understanding will improve, the routine will get easier, in a few years he will go to school and there will be no childcare fees for those hours.

Your life is not fucked, far from it actually, but right now you’re in that phase where hobbies and a social life still haven’t come back and it feels like ages since you last did anything for you. All I can say is this gets easier as well - can you take a day of annual leave each month just to get some treatments done, or meet someone for lunch, or just to go for a hike somewhere?

Give it time. When you’re 40 you’ll have a school age child who is way easier to manage, much lower childcare costs, and your mojo will come back. You probably won’t even want to go back to nappies/no sleep - most of my friends who had a baby in their early 30s then a split, didn’t want to go back to all of that.

Take it 1 day at a time xx

single mum here, and wouldn't have it any other way- You are just having a moment! But you are the boss in your own home, no negotiations, no compromises, and you have your beautiful boy more or less all to yourself - some ages are easier than others, but for the most part, raising children alone is great - you will get over this sad moment, and probably have others too, but you will be fine, and will enjoy life with your son. Exercise, yes! there was a time I couldn't do much, but as they grow, there is so much you can do together. Boating, football, hiking, camping, my son got me into football, I play centre back now in my 60s. We still hike together, ( he is 30)

@StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips @Naptrappedmummy

thanks for posting. I just feel so bloody stupid. How did I not see him for what he was? I would never ever have committed to a relationship with him or talked about a family had I known. And I should have known, looking back it was obvious he was a bit of a deadbeat family man and a workaholic. It’s my own fault. I could have been part of a loving family now, we could be planning a holiday for summer and sharing the load. I can’t get out of my head how much I have messed up.

It gets easier! DD is 7 now and my best pal. Just had a lovely break together and looking forward to more. Also I now have a DP with kids and that is great too. It's normal to hit a wall at your stage. I got over it by trying to meet other single parents and also looking at single parent holidays. A great life is possible but it can feel lonely in the early stages.

But equally you might’ve met another useless man, or no man at all and be in a panic about never settling down. Or you could’ve had a child with disabilities or a serious medical condition. Or twins, and then end up single with 2 kids to look after. The list goes on.

It's tough and his shit. And I'm sorry because I've been there and it's crushing at times and people telling you are strong doesn't make it easier but you've got this and the days will get easier and the load will seem lighter.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I could tell you stories about the shit I put up with for years that would make your toes curl, but it didn't feel that bad until I got out of it.

My kids are all a bit older now, and it's a joy, they are great company, we do stuff together, it doesn't feel so lonely either, it's just so tough when they are tiny and you're in the midst of it all and can't see a way out.

It does get better, I promise you.

Thank you for the encouragement. I can’t believe how this has hit me like a huge wave suddenly. I am lonely, have loads of friends and a busy life but everything is on me and that is isolating however many people you have in your wider life.