Can people help me stop being so nice to men?

[Planejaneisstunning]

Who mostly just don't deserve it. I've often worked in caring professions and I have that sort of saviour complex maybe, I like to help people and if I see vulnerability in a man I end up liking them even more.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm too nice, too accommodating with them and it doesn't get me anywhere.
I'm not saying be horrible to them but I really don't need to be nice with them all the time.
Anyone else like this?

Well, when you notice you're doing it, stop.

I will try, but it's usually too late by then and they've lost respect.

When you're about to do something, ask yourself questions like this:

• Does this benefit or inconvenience me?
• Would this person do the same thing for me?
• Why am I about to do this thing for someone else's benefit?

It's fine to do things that benefit others. Generally, it's a nice thing to do in society. It's not nice, however, if you're always the one doing things for the benefit of others, if these things are a detriment to you, by being a drain on your time and energy.

Can you give an example? Is this in a work or personal capacity?

Can you provide more details? It sounds like you're maybe being subservient. Instead of focusing on not being nice to men could you commit to drawing better boundaries?

It's in all capacities tbh. I think I'm so scared of being seen as a bitch for some reason.
When I was younger I wasn't afraid to tell men what I thought.. there were a few who conveniently disappeared the day after being intimate, I know it happens but their entire energy changed and they 'suddenly' weren't interested. I gave them a good piece of my mind and didn't hold back, but all it did was made me look like a psycho, it didn't make them respect me any more.
A good example is a male friend I'm interested. I asked him to meet up once and he agreed. The next time I asked him he gave me the whole oh I'm busy I'll let you know.
So I pulled back, did the same, made out I wasn't bothered. Low and behold he messaged asking to meet up.
I replied saying yeah that would be great. However I should've made him wait a little and sweat like he did to me.
I'm thinking of cancelling.. it sounds like game playing but he left me hanging.

I also want more details. Do you mean, you catch yourself being deferential or overly polite, and think 'wait a minute, I wouldn't let a woman get away with that'? Or do you mean you flirt/ become inappropriately close with them (which is something else!)?

Why do you think you don't treat women like this?

I must admit I don't think I have a problem in terms of being too nice to men. Being pretty staunchly feminist, and on MN for 15 years, my knee-jerk response is probably mild misandry. But I do think we're all conditioned to accommodate men, and you do sometimes kick yourself for not calling them on the bullshit.

It's moreso with men I'm interested in. We're conditioned to be all chilled and laid back, don't expect anything etc.
I'm overly polite and nice and the result is that they all say I'm 'sweet'.

I think this is why my relationships fizzled out so soon when I was younger. I am cured now (but never get in to relationships)

Okay ... um, well ... this isn't about you being too nice to men. This is about you needing to be nicer to yourself.

You're not a 'psycho' for saying what you think. There's a real cliche that an woman must be a 'psycho' if a man rejects her sexually, and it's horrible.

But why should you care whether or not their respect you? They're not important.

You shouldn't play games with someone who messes you around. You just need to cut your losses - you're better than this. But if you're wanting to post on MN so we all tell you it's ok to play games with someone by cancelling, you might be on a hiding to nothing. It's daft.

I don't believe I'm a psycho but I think that's how they see me. One of them had the cheek to tell me to 'regulate my emotions'.
Yeah, I mean maybe I should cut my losses by cancelling.
I have an anxious attachment style and hot and cold behaviour makes me distressed.

Yeh it's hard to hold your own if you were raised to accommodate, capitulate, oblige..... I definitely was. My mother got angry with me when I tried to assert my "self" so, although this instant WHATEVER YOU WANT syndrome isn't obvious to friendly acquaintances, the closer you got to me, the more apparent it became that I was just handing over my self.

Interestingly my mother sees me as difficult, awkward, emotional, so, trying to raise this led me nowhere, so I wasn't raised with the skills of asserting myself. I just knew, give up, give I say yes, it's quicker.