To have never experienced proper romantic love

[User5512]

im 43. Married for 16 years. I really don’t know what I saw in DH. I jumped into marriage within months of knowing him. He is emotionally unavailable, ganged up with his mother and bullied me for years. . He is ok now, but I always wonder if he loves me. Sex is just that. Sex. There is no warmth in it.

I am quite good looking, I have a promising career. However, there is emptiness in my heart. Wondering what it’ll be like to be in a hug with someone who feels like my “safe place”. What it might be to have sex with someone who really really wants me.

we have 2 children, and my days are quite busy (demanding career). I really don’t have the energy to divorce, date, etc again. But, there is emptiness, a deep longing to fall asleep in the arms of someone who I deeply love and trust.

Aibu to want a no frills affair? With who !??

Bump

How old are your kids OP? Would you be financially secure if you divorced him? He doesn’t sound like a keeper to me! Does he have any redeeming qualities? I need a partner to be like a best friend as well as a romantic partner. I don’t think an affair would make things better.

Are you definitely straight? I know a lot of later in life gay women who seems to have a similar experience earlier on…

What’s a no frills affair? Cos if you're looking for love then I’d suggest that this hypothetical affair would need to have all the “frills”

Kids are 15 and 9. I’m financially independent - fortunate to have a career.

Yes, he has some good qualities too. Great with the kids, they love him to bits. He is loyal, never seems too keen about other women. He has a great career too, we are at the same level professionally, in a similar field. We have very similar tastes and priorities in life. It’s just that I don’t really feel he is mine. This probably has to to with how he let his narc mother walk all over me and our marraige for years. He would tell her our secrets, fights. Let her get away with being nasty with me.

With this, there is a trust problem in our relationship . Mil died. So that’s no longer a problem, but I never share my insecurities/ problems with him. I’m afraid of showing my vulnerabilities. I don’t trust he won’t exploit them. I deeply long for someone to hold me, to listen as I speak. To gently kiss me and tell me it’s ok.

Yes. Definitely straight.

I've been mulling this over recently too OP although I'm divorced now (1 year) I feel sad and a sort of grief actually that I don't think I'll ever experience that kind of weak at the knees romantic love (and lust) but then again I'm not sure I'd really exists anyway outside of books and films

I don’t know what’s going on with me today. I just want someone to hold me, while I just cry.
I feel so suffocated. I just want to cry. Cry about my broken heart, about missing a dead loved one, about my worries. I just want to cry in someone’s arms.

I experienced love when I was very young, it only lasted a few months then he broke up with me, I still don’t know why. But I’m glad I had that experience. I’m not in love with DH, we were friends who started dating because we were lonely and now we have kids so we’re stuck. I often wish I could be with someone I love who loves me back, not having that is the greatest sadness of my life.

My friend is married to a lovely man who she calls her rock. They’re clearly in love. I see all of the little ways he puts himself out for her. A while ago she commented on how lovely my house is and she wants to swap places because she can only afford to rent. I thought you have no idea how much I’d like to be able to swap, because you have love!

This!

Darling, please feel hugged ❣️ I recall having those days… I was married for 18 years similar to you regarding mil the diff is she is still
alive. Nevertheless we divorced in 2018 I took the leap of faith. I am and was independent . Our kids were 7,14,12 and 8 at the time. Boy, did he fuck these kids childhood! He contributed to raising the kids as much as he felt like, he simply made my life hell. Looking back I would have waited until our youngest was 18 in uni to divorce. I remarried 3 years ago thinking of separating to devote my time to my kids finish raising them then find a compatible partner when my youngest is on her 20’. No planning in sharing a house with a man in future either. Think million times before jumping out; because despite you getting your freedom bsck; it may bite bsck at you if he isn’t mature as he may use your kids to take revenge on you. Be smart and best of luck xx

True love is gobsmackingly amazing.

However. It guarantees nothing. As they say it's better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all. The salient bit in that quote is "lost".

I have experienced first love where I literally felt I was walking in air when he asked me out. My second was love at first sight and I truly think we would be married for life. The third was a man so utterly perfect I was happy with him for 6 years and never found a fault.Unfortunately the first was wrong time, the second passed away and the third wasn't quite in love as I was

I mean the feeling of love is fabulous but ultimately life has to play the game too.

Have a virtual hug. Your pain is palpable, I’m so so sorry 💐💐💐

You wants frills, an affair will make you feel even sadder.

No answers unfortunately, I just want to add that I think the same x

Let’s be brutally honest: “romantic love” is a composite of lust, a yearning to fulfil an emotional need not met my your parents and other deflected childhood emotions. Fuelled by generations of literature and music.

I have experienced “romantic love” many times in my life (often unrequited). It never translates into the kind of durable love that sustains a decades long partnership. Or at least if it does this is in spite of the romantic love, not because of it.

Romantic love is mainly a confidence trick played on women by men, initially to persuade them to have sex and then latterly to persuade them to take on the burden of domestic responsibilities. It’s a very very poor compensation for the way it drains away girls self esteem and women’s freedom.

Its unavoidable obviously, it can feel wonderful (and awful) and is the source of so much incredible art. But at it’s heart, romantic love is a fantasy and honestly I think a life that bypassed it would be a healthier and certainly more productive one. I don’t think you’re missing anything.

I'm inclined to feel the same. I love my DH deeply but it's not this Mills & Boon fantastical love.

An ability to live together, to dovetail in terms of outlook and values especially if you have children or when things get tough is a real strength.

Sexual attraction isn't a bad thing either, as many here tell you it causes so many problems.

So, OP while things aren't perfect, you do have a lot going for you.