To wonder if everyone with a baby and an older child feels like they just ignore the eldest?

[Spinachpesto]

I feel really sorry for ds(3). As lovely as his 6 month old sibling is, he just doesn’t get a look in. She is going through an exceptionally fussy and demanding stage but when we’re in the house I feel like he’s just abandoned in front of paw patrol

Very much the opposite. On days I have both 9 month old and 3.5 year old, I barely make eye contact with the baby! 3.5 year old is very high needs, shall we say. Luckily so far the baby is more easy going...

ww had a nearly 3 year gap and DD1 carried on at nursery for 2 days per week using the 15 hours funding and my dear parents had her for two mornings. Kept our sanity as I could focus on baby during those times. I did have to carry the baby a lot as she was clingy but it left hands free for the 3 year old. DH made sure he was home by a reasonable times most days to pull his weight as well.

Now they are teens and I only see them when hungry or to ask for a lift somewhere 😁

I hear you. OP. I've felt really guilty about this in the year since DD1 came along. It's not that I ignore DS4, it's that he has to wait for things that he didn't previously, and doesn't have my undivided attention. Though I think my guilt/worry is actually nothing to worry about because he absolutely adores his baby sister and takes great pride in helping to care for her (helping to give her some milk, getting a nappy and wipes, choosing an outfit for her etc.). I was worried in the earlier days that he'd resent her for taking up so much of my time, but thankfully it's the opposite.

Though, he does still love bedtime when he gets that 1-1 time whilst we have a cuddle and read a story, and I try to fit in a 1-1 play date or dinner date wherever I can.

I have a DS3 and a 3MO DD. I set out a Brio track every morning with him and I lug DD around to various activities for my DS (swimming, gymnastics etc). He doesn't get much direct attention from me in these activities but it somehow helps me feel better. I still push DS in the buggy to these activities too (long walk - approx.10km round trip) and it gives us a chance to chat while DD naps.

Sometimes, but at other times youngest gets dragged round activities aimed at the oldest, so it balances out. My youngest loved the sling, so would nap/cuddle in there for a good chunck of the day while I did stuff with the oldest. Didn't even wake up when I traild the toddler around soft play.

Also the other way around. Not saying you need to ignore the crying baby but baby does have to come along for the ride and sometimes that means they do so whilst crying. It happens. The crying is hardest on you rather than them. I bet if you recorded how much time baby was actively hard crying through a 24 hour period it would be less than it feels like it is in reality-because it feels 24/7.

when is the baby crying and what do you do when they are? My babies unfortunately were criers especially the youngest but they had to get up every morning for the school run. And they had to go to scouts and gymnastics and swimming and chess club and ballet and school fairs and parents evenings and doctors and dentists and to the park and bike rides and every other blinking thing we had to do with the older ones and there was no choice. A lot of the time they weren’t happy but they are part of a family and there’s no halfway to doing that.

I made a real effort to make sure they all got some 1-1 time each day. This has been much easier since covid and wfh. I try to make sure each child gets a couple of hours 1-1 time each week. So even when my babies were a couple of weeks old my husband would care for them whilst I took the older one out for a few hours on the weekend or out to dinner in the week.

It's a very difficult juggling act.

I used to sit down with DC1 (aged 3) and baby to watch kids' programmes with her, sing along, talk about her favourite little characters.

@KThnxBye the baby does those sorts of things and I don’t think she minds (I think she quite likes the chaos in fact!)

It is more when we’re all in the house together which I do minimise for this reason but I also worry that the days are quite exhausting for them. Mum guilt!

Sometimes it’s hard for the older sibling. There is some tolerance expected but, ultimately, the older child needs the parental input more. I think it gets easier once baby is in nursery

There's a period when DC2 was a fussy baby that left me with virtually no memories of DC1. There were lots of times where I had to just give DC1 a snack and put the TV on when DC2 was unsettled.

I was so angry at all the people who told me that second babies "just fit in" and it completely put me off having a third.

Yes and it affected dd1's behaviour. As soon as I could I started taking dd1 out on her own to have "mum and dd1 time" and it really helped.

I did feel a bit like that sometimes. I would just make sure to make an extra big fuss of him throughout the day. Everytime I got a spare minute from the baby, I would hug him and tell him how much I loved him. When the baby was still breastfeeding and glued to me, I would take her in his room at bedtime for story time, rather than just having DH do it all the time because baby was feeding. Basically I just learned to do everything with one hand, so I could do more stuff with him. It's hard, but it won't last. Recognising it is half the battle.

Same with me I have a 1yo girl and a 13yo boy and I feel he gets ignored or told off constantly, he's even said to me u hate me don't you 😮 because of the face expression and tone of voice hange when speaking between them, I have to remind myself daily to allow him some slack ( he gets told off for very good reasons though) although my tiredness etc maybe makes me snap abit more and expect him to know better, I kind of forget he's still only a child too. It makes me so sad