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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel lucky to be a single mum

11 replies

Edsspecialsauce · 28/01/2024 16:03

Just to be clear, I'm not saying it's plain sailing! I'm also very aware of the privilege of having a good job, someone to co parent with, secure housing and family around. This is not a universal experience.
I've been a single mum for exactly a year today. Co parenting with ex. He has kids one day of the weekend and one day after school.
If I compare my weekends now to this time last year, I'm just so much happier. Having a lovely day with my family one day and then a day to remember who I am, do housework, study, see friends, read, lie in bed, see family.
My ex wasn't really a bad man. He was just lazy. So previously I would have been trying to cram all of what I said above into one day, and never achieve any of it. He would never take the children out on his own so usually I would take them out and come back to him lazing around, then I would have to do everything else.
I remember feeling resentful 99% of the time. Resentful that we both worked full time but all the life admin/ sorting, decluttering, DIY etc would be my responsibility.
It also made me less social. He never enjoyed going out in the evenings so I wouldn't either. Or I would go on my own but feel guilty so I would come back early.
Now I go out, because it's his job to parent that day, and guess what, he can do it. He can parent his own kids on his own.
If I had stayed with him, I think I would have had a breakdown. Yes it's stressful doing every drop off, every pick up but one, but now time to do everything else where I'm not expected to parent at the same time, I can handle everything else.

None of my coupled up friends have this amount of time. Maybe they don't want it, maybe family days out are more important to them. Who knows. But if you're someone stuck with a partner not pulling their weight, just think that it might not be as hard as you think to leave. And you might find you're ultimately much happier.
Kids are happier too.

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 28/01/2024 20:01

Came across this and just wanted to say, I'm really pleased for you. It's worked out how it should do.
I'm a single parent too but no involvement with the ex at all. But I've no resentment. Hope someone sees this and takes the plunge if they need to. Its not always negative.

FlyingSoul · 08/02/2024 23:01

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LilBus · 08/02/2024 23:04

Good for you I’m glad you’re happy. I’m the opposite end but that’s because I get no time off and ex isn’t involved.

Glitterbaby17 · 08/02/2024 23:05

I am glad it’s working for you. I just feel burned out and that my poor kids are forever getting short changed. Come home, out tv on to keep them calm while I make dinner, reading books, more tv while I clean up. Older one waits while I put little one to bed then has her book. It’s often 9 and she’s only 6. Then I’m trying to do admin, washing etc late at night. Is just grim.

notknowledgeable · 08/02/2024 23:07

Single parent with no contact at all with the father - it is the best life!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/02/2024 23:29

I like being a single mum too.

It is difficult and often stressful though.

Its funny things that I sometimes thing “oh this would be easier with two” - my Ds has adhd and needs close supervision with homework. I often think on a Sunday “oh it would be nice to just sit down and concentrate on this with him whilst someone else made the lunch”.

CoffeeLover90 · 09/02/2024 06:43

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Hi, I've one DS he's 4. I work full time too, quite a high pressure job but hours are a little flexible for when I need it and the pay is good.
Honestly, wish there were some tips or tricks to this but I think we cope because we have to, there's no alternative really.
What I wish people had told me at the start of this- lower your standards. Don't aim for a show home, cook chicken nuggets if that's all you can manage. Take any help offered. Take time for you, even if its just a long shower, a bath or reading a book.
You'll do great.

Meadowfinch · 09/02/2024 06:56

I'm with you OP. I've been a single mum for 13 years and I feel very lucky. Before that ex was like yours, just lazy. He has seen ds for 6 hrs a week since. Does 12-20 nights a year.

But I can raise ds decently. Feed ds properly, ensure he is cared for and safe. Support him with homework and out of school activities. Not have to argue every step or come home to find ex couldn't be bothered to take ds to a club.

I listen to coupled-up mum friends and am so grateful I don't have to put up with most of the things that cause them hassle. Always being let down at the last moment. Spiteful in-laws. Financial issues.

I've had a lovely time raising ds and he's turned into a kind, thoughtful outgoing young man. I've managed my career and our house alongside. We've coped fine.

Caroparo52 · 09/02/2024 07:06

Being a working fh single mum has been happiest time of my life. ditching uselesss selfish EDHs getting divorced was my best move. You know where you stand and lets face it just removes the adult baby from the equation

Prunesaregreat · 09/02/2024 07:12

I'm a lone parent to twin ds. Father not involved from day one. I absolutely love it and always have.

babbi · 09/02/2024 07:18

I’ve been going it alone for 8 years now and can honestly say it’s been the best thing for me and DD .
I truly believe that it’s given me the time and headspace to be the kind of mother I wanted to be without dealing with a selfish adult baby absorbing time that was due and owed to DD .
It was scary at first but I developed balls I never knew I had and it motivated me so much in so many ways because I wanted to do so well to give my daughter the childhood she deserved.

Because I was fighting for her so to speak my confidence grew and grew .
I am killing it professionally and earning money I could only have dreamed of as she was my inspiration.
Simply put , I couldn’t give in to fear as she needed me so I got in with it .
I would like to hope that’s it’s set a good example to her .

Good luck to all the single mums out there .

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