Feel like I've finally reached the end of my tether

[hullaballooB]

Just feel like I'm drowning in everything I'm expected to do, everything apparently seems to stop if I don't get it done. DH is absolutely useless and piles everything on me because he can't cope as it "affects my mental health". Work is crazy and I feel like I just get treated like crap. The only thing keeping me going is my young DC. Today I've cried non stop and my heart is pounding, every time I think of everything that needs doing I feel like I'm going to faint, I think I'm having a panic attack. But the problem is I can't afford to have a panic attack because there's so much that needs doing that no one else will do! Don't know what I'm going to do.

I managed by getting rid of everything that wasn't being used, clutter etc. I then stopped doing everything that wasn't necessary. Then make lists. However your DH doesn't get to kop out, your MH is now massively impacted. Were is the most pressure coming from? Are your standards too high?

And when you tell DH that it’s affecting your mental health too….?

What’s your support like outside of DH?

What things do you need to do? Sometimes adding things to do (eg decluttering like pp suggested) feels horrendous but getting something like that done might be a massive help? So weigh that up I guess.

That sounds very difficult. But the first thing is to pare it right down. Ditch ANYTHING that doesn't need doing. What's the absolute minimum? Often it's not a lot. Also, discuss with hubby. He shouldn't be dumping it all on you.

Unfortunately I feel like I am already scaling back what needs doing and don't think I can't cut much else out. The house is a complete mess because apparently everybody else can ignore the washing up or clutter etc so it's only me that does it. We are drowning in debt and every bit of the finances is managed by me because DH says he can't handle that because it might affect his depression. Our Dc are very young and still need lots of input but they won't go to DH because he just snaps at them and sits on his phone so they only ever want me. I cook all the meals because he says he can't cook. I'm just absolutely exhausted. He has Sundays to do his hobby because he says he needs time to himself but he works Saturdays so that means I never get a break. He's just got home and I've told him he needs to have the kids for a bit so I've just come for a lie down and I just feel like I don't know how I'm ever going to get back up.

We are drowning in debt and every bit of the finances is managed by me because DH says he can't handle that because it might affect his depression.

Hows his depression likely to be if his marriage collapses, or you lose the house because he won’t attend to your finances? Both your mental health needs to be protected, he doesn’t get an out.

I think I might be considering how much of the pressure is coming from being married to a lazy man.

Who ran up the debts? What would happen and where would you be if you separated?

What help is he getting for his depression? Does his mental health ever affect his ability to do the things he likes?

Just cut your losses and get rid of him.

@PriOn1 it was done jointly as we had a huge unexpected house problem which we needed to borrow money for.

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend he is on treatment but won't go to the drs to discuss the fact that it doesn't seem to help.

Honestly, your life would be so much more manageable if you separated from this selfish and entitled man.

Do you have any equity in the house?

Just a tiny plaster over a massive wound but for now could you leave after he comes back from his hobby and have all of Sunday afternoon/ evening as you time?

He has the morning so only fair. Just go and sleep on a parents/ friends/ siblings sofa?

Every week I mean?

There is no quick fix. But sometimes having an aim to work towards and a plan of how to get there can relieve some of stress. The first thing you need to do is accept there is no quick fix and that you will need to make some tough decisions about things.

My home seems to run a bit smoother when I stay on top of the laundry, so my suggestion would be to take a few days off work if you can and try to get this under control.

Tell DH that you are struggling and he has to start taking some of the load off you, so he can do his own laundry and ironing as a start.

Once your laundry is under control then do a big declutter, kitchen, bedroom, bathroom etc. If you don't need it or haven't used it, then get rid.

Think about using supermarket home delivery. I was sceptical, but now I use it, and I love it. Work out a couple of weeks orders, even if its easy cook ready meals, and just rotate.

Do what you can to relieve the stress for the next couple of months. Then once you can see a bit more clearly, then you will be in a position to take proper stock of your life, debts, marriage and decide what needs to be done.

You have taken the first step by asking for help.

@Createausername1970 this is really helpful thank you. I feel like the online food shopping would be a good thing for me to start, at the moment the thought of going out and doing the shopping feels so overwhelming so I think this would definitely help.
I also think having a few days off and getting on top of things would help but unfortunately it's just not possible. My employer wouldn't let me at the moment. Because DH works Saturdays and is then out 3/4 of the day on Sunday it means I just can't keep on top of things and I think that's really impacting how I feel.

Is it really necessary for him to work Saturdays? Does he get paid overtime or get a day off during the week. Separate the chores and only do essential. Online food delivery is good and make sure your DH does washing up if you cook. I don't think his mental health is going to be affected by that.

Here we go, another hobby

You need a hobby too, op

@Cornishclio unfortunately it's part of his contract so he does have to do them, he does occasionally get them off though. He will do the washing up but only after I've asked him a thousand times and then he will say he's not happy because I've nagged him. But if I don't keep asking he would just leave it for days (he has done before). I've literally not stopped crying today so he said he would help, I asked him to put some washing in which he did but then just left it dumped on the floor next to the dryer because he said he had done his bit.

Unfortunately he just sounds lazy then. It won't always be that hard hopefully as your children get older. Re the money issues have you posted on MSE forum to get advice?

Does your husband have ADHD or ND as constantly forgetting stuff or being disorganised can be a sign of that. If he works 6 days a week though those are long hours so I can kind of understand why he is struggling too.

@Cornishclio we are on a debt management plan but payments are still pretty high. He hasn't been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he has adhd as my job is working with people with SEN. He does work 6 days but without trying to be too outing he only does this for about 3 months a year and then the rest of the year he works shorter hours than I do, just due to the industry he works in. His attitude is the same whatever time of year it is though. I'm not just trying to bash him as I obviously do love him I'm just really really struggling with keeping up with life at the moment and didn't know where else to turn.

Reduce the DMP if it is too high. Are you doing a managed one through Stepchange or self managed?

If your husband has not been diagnosed encourage him to do so as there is medication to help him focus. My son in law has ADHD and his diagnosis and medication has made life much easier for him.

Even though he is using his mental health has a get out he doesn't see you are struggling too. So tell him unless he helps you will end up having a breakdown and then who will do everything?

Can you teach him a few basic dishes like spaghetti bol or shepherds pie or risotto etc etc?

He ain't sounding very loveable OP, and if he loves you he must be showing it in ways that don't work for you.