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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do men do this?

59 replies

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 12:59

Broke up with DP a few months ago. Been talking pretty much daily, mostly arguing but he made it clear he wants to be back together

I slept with someone and I told him when he asked.

He then slept with other women and did stuff with some too.

Says he did it cos he was drunk; missing me and to distract himself from the hurt. Says he didn't like the women or find them attractive, he just basically used them. Denies even wanting sex with them but that's gotta be bs if he kept doing it. :says he wanted to feel wanted.

Which gives me the ick

Why do men do this? Why not just talk it out with me?

AIBU: you're naive, he wanted them not you
YNBU: men are shit

OP posts:
Wadermellone · 28/01/2024 14:16

Why does he feel the need to justify his actions?

is it because he wasn’t that into the women? Did he make them believe he was?

Have you told him that you were really into the person you slept with? Really liked them? Had feelings for them. Found them irresistible?

He had sex cause he fancied having sex. I assume the women were consenting. You were both split. Why would he talk his through his feelings of wanting sex with you?

picklesandcucumbers · 28/01/2024 14:17

Yes. You both having sex with other people will help you get back together

Original poster
ihayemen · 28/01/2024 15:54

Because although we broke up we were suooosed to be working on our relationship and fixing it to be together

Sleeping with someone wasn't the issue, the lies were and acting like he didn't want them when he did

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 28/01/2024 15:57

Sounds toxic to me. Find someone else.

ManchesterLu · 28/01/2024 16:22

You're cheating on each other. Why do you think getting back together would work?

HowDoTheyGetThroughLife · 28/01/2024 16:24

You shagged someone first then don't like it because he did it too. Double standards.

x2boys · 28/01/2024 16:25

You slept with someone too🙄

Lovemusic82 · 28/01/2024 16:25

Why do men do exactly what you (women) do?

I don’t understand? You jumped straight onto someone else and then he did too, only difference is he tried to excuse it by saying he was drunk?

The relationship between you is pretty broken and toxic, don’t get back together.

x2boys · 28/01/2024 16:26

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 15:54

Because although we broke up we were suooosed to be working on our relationship and fixing it to be together

Sleeping with someone wasn't the issue, the lies were and acting like he didn't want them when he did

Did you want e person you slept with?

Original poster
ihayemen · 28/01/2024 16:32

I did it to feel wanted.. validation. I didn't want the man.

But I also didn't lie like ex did. He told me no women, then 1, then 3, turns out it was 6. He kept lying to me when I told him ee both need to be honest to fix this (he has a history of lying which led to our split)

I was trying to rebuild trust and our relationship, but he was still lying

And all theee women he might not have found attractive, but one of them he was trying to see again, spend time with and have cuddles - that's a relationship to me

OP posts:
Wadermellone · 28/01/2024 16:32

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 15:54

Because although we broke up we were suooosed to be working on our relationship and fixing it to be together

Sleeping with someone wasn't the issue, the lies were and acting like he didn't want them when he did

So how did you sleeping with someone assist on working on the relationship?

Did you tell your ex about how much you fancied the person you slept with? How much they turned you on? You had feelings for them and told your dp?

Wadermellone · 28/01/2024 16:34

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 16:32

I did it to feel wanted.. validation. I didn't want the man.

But I also didn't lie like ex did. He told me no women, then 1, then 3, turns out it was 6. He kept lying to me when I told him ee both need to be honest to fix this (he has a history of lying which led to our split)

I was trying to rebuild trust and our relationship, but he was still lying

And all theee women he might not have found attractive, but one of them he was trying to see again, spend time with and have cuddles - that's a relationship to me

If you weren’t together then you had no right to know

If him keeping things is a big issue in the relationship and you knew he wasn’t being honest, why did you keep pushing. Rather than just accept he didn’t want to tell you and call it a day.

You didn’t want the man? But slept with anyway? And not annoyed your ex didn’t want the women and slept with them anyway?

Sounds like you have massive double standards when it comes to your behaviour.

GreyBlackLove · 28/01/2024 16:52

This reads as though you are poorly matched, both using other people and on your part you are toying with someone who wants to get back together in "keep them dangling" sort of way. You both slept with other people, you're still arguing despite being broken up, you've created these double standards - best you can do is grow up and move on

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/01/2024 16:56

He doesn't owe you any information about what happened when you weren't together. He was single. I don't really understand why you want to know anyway?

Clarinet1 · 28/01/2024 17:09

It really doesn’t sound as though either of you really wants to have a worthwhile relationship with the other. You are certainly not going the right way about it. Just call it a day and you can either find someone who deserves you or continue playing the field or stay single for a bit.

ManchesterBea · 28/01/2024 17:09

What a prince.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 28/01/2024 17:11

What was your reason for sleeping with someone else? His, as a single man, was probably similar.

GreatGateauxsby · 28/01/2024 17:11

OneTC · 28/01/2024 13:01

I slept with someone

When's the wedding?

😅😅😅

my thoughts exactly.

delete, block, move on

SummerFeverVenice · 28/01/2024 17:12

I slept with someone and I told him when he asked.

So you broke up with him by sleeping with someone else and kept it secret until he asked. Then he decides to sleep around too.

This isn’t a man issue, I’d would do the same thing if my partner cheated on me and I’m a woman.

BIWI · 28/01/2024 17:13

How old are you @ihayemen?

Sounds like you have some growing up to do.

Original poster
ihayemen · 28/01/2024 17:18

Nobody cheated. We weren't together when we did what we did

OP posts:
Captnip500 · 28/01/2024 17:19

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 16:32

I did it to feel wanted.. validation. I didn't want the man.

But I also didn't lie like ex did. He told me no women, then 1, then 3, turns out it was 6. He kept lying to me when I told him ee both need to be honest to fix this (he has a history of lying which led to our split)

I was trying to rebuild trust and our relationship, but he was still lying

And all theee women he might not have found attractive, but one of them he was trying to see again, spend time with and have cuddles - that's a relationship to me

I am sorry OP but there is no hope for this relationship. Your sex lives have both moved on and it’s time for you both to emotionally
move on too.

You know he is a liar, that hasn’t changed since you broke up. What makes you think this relationship would be better the second time around?

Grimchmas · 28/01/2024 17:21

It's not men. It's him. And it sounds like it's well and truly over.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/01/2024 17:22

Whitefoxnight · 28/01/2024 13:03

I don't think you two should get back together.

I think they should!
Sound made for each other...

Coconutter24 · 28/01/2024 17:28

ihayemen · 28/01/2024 15:54

Because although we broke up we were suooosed to be working on our relationship and fixing it to be together

Sleeping with someone wasn't the issue, the lies were and acting like he didn't want them when he did

If you had broke up and supposed to be working on the relationship why did you sleep with someone else? He obviously just acted like an idiot and also slept with someone because he was jealous but if you’re supposed to be fixing this why are either of you entertaining anyone else?

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