How to cope with overbearing parent?

[Sunshineonmywindowmakesmehappylikeishouldbe]

I know a lot of people no longer have their parents or are estranged, and I am grateful to be close with mine.
It's just that my Mum really likes to mother still even though I'm in my mid 30s, haven't lived with her in a very long time and am fully independent.
We've just been away for a couple of days (paid for ourselves) which maybe exacerbated things.
She was constantly reminding me to not forget my passport, even though to my knowledge I've never forgotten it before a flight and managed to never miss a flight.
Constantly running through the checklist..tickets, passport, purse, etc. and I'm like yes, I'm capable of organising myself, don't worry.
She will ask if we can leave at 9am, I'll say yes and ensure I'm ready for 9. Then at 8:30 she'll start asking if I'm nearly ready, it's annoying.
I'm recently single and she kept saying we 'need to find me a man' even though I've said several times I am fine.
I've recently moved to a new area and she keeps telling me 'You need to be going to bars and things at night/if I were you I'd be doing xyz'.
I do go out and do things and she knows this.
Constantly asking me if I've got an oven, a microwave, cutlery, plates and so on even though it's been over a month.
I've had to tell her to knock before coming in the room and not just walk in.
It's just the way she is, it must sound like I'm being mean but I don't need to be constantly fussed over and treated like a child.
I told her about a month ago that she needs to give me more privacy, i.e. not just walking into the room, and she got quite offended.
Not sure what to do.

We went to a place I used to live in and she was asking, are you sure it's this way? Are you sure this is right? Isn't it the the other one instead?

As a mum, I will say that when you're so used to having been "in charge" for years, it's hard to switch off from that.
For two decades it's been my job to make the arrangements, get everyone out the house, on time and appropriately dressed with the right paperwork, make sure everyone is fed and watered to their satisfaction, and ensure that everyone has a good, happy and safe time. Obviously now my young adults do a lot of that themselves - but I psychologically I still have to check, remind, make certain - as if something goes wrong they will turn to me to make it right, which may ruin the outing, or cost me a lot of money (eg in the case of forgetten tickets or missed travel connections).
You are older than my kids so you and your mum are further along in the process but you're still her little girl and she still wants to look out for your needs. If you travel more and she sees how competent you are, perhaps you will slowly take over the mothering "in charge" role, especially as she gets older. Maybe there's a touch of travel anxiety there on her part too; I know that's the case with me as I don't travel nearly as much as my kids these days.

I agree with pp. once a mum, always a mum.

And if your mum is menopause age, the anxiety kicks in. Remember, you will be her age one day, and you may well be the mum.

Well, stop going on holiday with her for a start!
Make sure she doesn't have a key to your house.
Phone her less often.
Tell her (much) less about your life.
She needs to understand that you are an independent adult.

OP I literally no noone who acts like your mum. I am not surprised you are incredibly frustrated. Maybe you need to put some distance between you and stop sharing so much of your life. She doesn't need to know so much of what you do in your own time.

I am surprised by the early replies which suggest this is normal mum behaviour. It absolutely isn't and sounds incredibly suffocating. I feel particularly suffocated just thinking about allowing this dynamic from your mum until such time as it changes and you then act this way towards your mum as she gets older. Just both act as the adults you are and avoid all of this co-dependence.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable

What a miserable way to treat your own mum.

This does sound like it could be rooted in anxiety on her part, but that doesn't mean you have to be ok with it.

I told her about a month ago that she needs to give me more privacy, i.e. not just walking into the room, and she got quite offended

She should have been practicing not walking into your room without knocking many many years ago, and her job as a parent was to make you independent.

Tell her that she's done a great job and you don't need the level of input that she's offering and take a step back and put some boundaries in. Her getting offended isn't a reason to not have your own needs around the now adult relationship you have with her.

Thanks for the replies, she is of menopausal age, however has always been this way to an extent. I'll try to be more tolerant.

once a mum, always a mum

Possibly but I don’t think I agree with this.

Part of being a parent is adapting and parenting the child you have. What’s described here is very smothering and very damaging as it instinctively makes people step back.

My dad had a very irritating habit of saying ‘well, you know what you SHOULD do?’ and it was almost always terrible advice! I’m not sure what you can do though , if she gets offended when you mention it!

I don't yet have any children but maybe I'll indeed feel the same! A lot of it is anxiety, like if my father/brother are going even a mile over the speed limit she'll be clinging onto the sides of the car.
I'll just try to be assertive and firm yet kind, I don't want to hurt her.

It's OK to offend your mum.

You are trying to move to an adult-adult relationship while she is still in adult-child.

In order to make the change, both of you are going to have to change your behaviours, and at times neither of you will want to and be offended. But that's OK, this is a relationship with another 30, 40, 50 years in it. It would be unrealistic to know someone for all that time and them never piss you off. In the grand scheme of things, the time you spend offended at each other will just be a blip.

Keep going, keep communicating - tell her you don't want to go on holiday with her again as she made you feel like an 8-yr-old. Tell her that you love her but she isn't part of your dating life.

I sympathize as my mum is a bit similar! She’s a great mum and loves me a lot, but I feel it’s hard for her to get the right balance between caring and controlling.

If she’s staying with us and I’m at work she goes and finds things to do, like reorganizing my drawers or ‘tidying’ the already-tidy master bedroom (bedroom for my DH and I), which DH and I find intrusive rather than helpful.

She also does odd things like topping up all my hand soap and washing up liquid with water, and washing our clothes on a very hot wash, even stuff that should only be hand-washed (or that wasn’t even in the laundry basket).

I’ve told her that, while I appreciate the kind gesture, I actually don’t need her to do any tidying or washing for me and would much rather she just relaxed and hung out with the kids when she’s here.

I’ve learned over the years that her actions come from love/good intentions and that ‘telling her off’ will backfire. Instead I have to speak to her gently with praise and gratitude. When I do that, she seems to understand, at least for a month or two (before she reverts back to old ways)!

Need to find you a man???? Not likely, I should say. If you have just severed a relationship you need a breathing space not the complications of being pushed into another attachment by your mother. Especially while you're trying to get your mind straight.

She sounds a bit like Mrs Bennett from "Pride and Prejudice", over-ambitiously hunting down prospective husband's for her daughters.......

I’m a mum of an adult daughter.

I agree with the poster who said that anxiety and the menopause often go to gether. It does sound like it is her own anxiety she is giving voice to. Perhaps she’s stuck in the mum habit of checking you are OK instead of herself.

Theres also a possibility I suppose, that after so many years of looking after and out for others, she’s forgotten how to say what she wants. Sometimes people put their wants on other people, so it doesn’t seem so selfish, eg to say I want to leave at 9am.

I also agree with the other poster who said that treating your adult children as adults is the natural order of things. You have a right to ask this of her. I’d suggest try doing this in small incremental steps, but tell her bluntly if this doesn’t work.

I think there can be a tendency of mums to always about our children no matter their age.

My own Dd went through some difficult years as a young adult. She is now very happy with a partner. I think some part of my mind is glad to relinquish that worry I used to have for her, onto her partner just knowing he will be there for her.

Id hope I’d be ready to step up if anything went wrong for her. Perhaps this is something your mum has got hung up on.

Her behaviour is most likely to be from a place of love but that doesn’t make it any less irritating.

She’ll change when you have your own kids.